Packing for Florida, packing heat

Frank Cerabino

Sunday, Aug. 4, 2013 | 2:02 a.m.

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — News item: State Rep. Dennis Baxley, professional mortician and legislative sponsor of Florida’s “stand your ground” self-defense gun law, said it doesn’t make sense for tourists to boycott Florida over the law, because it was written to protect them.

“If you’re here with your family and you want to feel safe that if you defend yourself or your family from a hotel invasion, or if somebody is trying to carjack you, and you have to meet force with force, the state of Florida is going to stand with you,” Baxley told National Public Radio.

We need to get this news out to the rest of America. I feel we’ve neglected this angle in our efforts to market Florida as a tourist-friendly vacation destination. Maybe I can help.

Dear Traveler:

You probably already know that Florida offers hundreds of miles of beaches, golf courses galore and destination theme parks that are fun for the whole family.

But that’s not all. We here in Florida also want you to know that we’ve taken steps to make it easier than ever to shoot a Floridian.

That’s right. We’ve put the “justifiable” back in “homicide” and turned the state into the nation’s biggest open-air shooting range. And we’ve done it just for you.

So if you’re thinking of heading to the Sunshine State, put a concealed weapons permit on your to-do list. And then pack that gun along with your sunscreen and golf clubs, because you’ll never know when the time is right to add a little more excitement to your Florida trip.

If you do, you can feel confident that as a first-time killer of Floridians, you’ll get to take advantage of the most shooter-friendly laws in the nation. Just say the magic words “I had a fear of great bodily harm” and you’ll be free to enjoy the rest of your vacation without all that muss or fuss you would get from some other states.

No duty to retreat. No arrest. And if the teenager “invading” your hotel room turns out to be a housekeeping worker bringing you fresh sheets, and that shiny object in his hand was actually a key instead of a knife, we’ve even got a little immunity-from-civil-liability clause written into the law to shield you from a future wrongful-death lawsuit.

That’s right. We want you to know that Florida is going to stand with you. If you say the valet parker looked like a carjacker, hey, it’s fine with us.

So what are you waiting for? It’s time to make some lasting vacation memories.

When you arrive, please stop by one of our many tourist welcome centers and pick up a complimentary T-shirt for your kids with the message: “My parents got to kill a guy in Florida, but all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

During your Florida vacation, you’ll truly relax when it sinks in that so many other people around you are armed and similarly encouraged not to back away from public confrontations. It’s like being part of your own action-adventure movie.

We’re confident that once you get back home, you’ll want to tell all your friends about Florida and why they should come with loaded weapons to our state parks or to ride up and down our highways ready to exchange gunfire, if necessary.

It’s the vacation experience of a lifetime. Or the end of a lifetime.

So come on down to our little sure-fire vacation paradise.

We’ll leave a light on at the ammo store for you.

Frank Cerabino writes for The Palm Beach Post.