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October 21, 2014

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Getting ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

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Rick Lax

Think you might be about to be chased by a zombie? You might want to purchase one of these at the Zombie Apocalypse store.

In case you haven’t heard, the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Already.

I know, I know, you were waiting until December 22, 2012—you were waiting for the day after December 21, the supposed last day of the world. Well, wait no longer; the end is now.

Recent facts: In Florida, a guy spit blood in an officer’s face. Then, also in Florida, some guy bit off a homeless man’s face. Then, more face eating in Staten Island. Oh, and a guy in Jersey threw his intestines at police officers. To the untrained eye, these events are unconnected. But to those of us in the know, the message is clear: The zombies are here.

The Center for Disease Control spokesman, David Daigle, put out a statement denying the existence of a zombie virus. "The CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead,” Daigle said. But really, that only shows that the zombies have gotten to the CDC and are controlling the brains of its officials.

Thoroughly freaked out, I drove to the Zombie Apocalypse Store on Spring Mountain. We told you about this store back in March, and, well, we were right.

Once there, I asked Mike Monko, President of Zombie Apocalypse Inc. (and owner of the store), what I should buy to defend against these zombies popping up across the country.

“What’s the best thing I can do?”

“Run. Avoid.”

“But if that’s not an option? If they’re too close?”

“Destroy the brain or separate the head from the body.”

“How do I do that?”

Mike shows me to a Kukri Machete. $27.

“What else you got?”

“You can shoot their heads off.”

Mike takes me to the Hornady Zombie ammo section.

“Very effective,” he assures. “Same result as the machete.”

I head to the in-store shooting range—carnival-style, no actual bullets—and practice my shot. I wind up with 1,200 points, which, Mike assures me, is probably enough to survive a zombie attack.

So when the zombies hit Vegas, I’ll be prepared. And if you’re not, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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