When our children aren’t perfect

Sun readers

Sunday, April 22, 2012 | 2:03 a.m.

Earlier this month, a story detailing the arrest of Christine Gulick and Devon Cooper, who allegedly committed a string of crimes, generated a rich discussion in the comment section. One reader wondered why people turn to crime. Others wondered about parenting. So we asked for readers’ thoughts about parenting, including whether good parents can have “bad” kids. This is a sampling of the letters and comments we received. You can read a Sun editorial on the issue and add your thoughts here.

• • •

I write as a wife, mother and student pursuing a degree in business, all while raising three children in a middle-class family. My husband and I have found that while raising a teenager for the very first time (15 years old), we have been tried, tested and sometimes angered beyond measures with some of our child’s choices. We are very active parents engaged in our children’s education, keep the kids engaged in extracurricular activities and place emphasis on continuing education.

Reflecting back to middle school, it became disheartening to watch our son struggle to fit in and try to find his way through. In return, there have been some bad decisions made on his end and disappointment on ours. We sought help from pastors, counselors, pediatricians, mentors and whoever else was willing to offer their voice as guidance.

What worked? We have always had a close relationship with all of the kids, but during this period, it was a strain on our relationship with our son because we could not understand what we were doing wrong. Punishment didn’t work and being pulled out of sports was ineffective. He had no desire to try and we were completely lost. We began engaging him in “all in” conversations where there was nothing left off the table. We make sure we don’t allow him to become disengaged (children will withdraw, especially when they feel they have let their parents down to a point of no return), and we also began to relate with stories of our teenage years. It helped him to see that we’re really no different. Oftentimes, children view parents in their current condition and see no relation to how we were as teenagers. By having these conversations, it helped our son to see that we’re imperfect and we, too, have made foolish decisions. Regardless of our close relationship, we’re OK if our son or daughters choose to confide in their doctor, youth pastor or mentor instead of coming directly to us. Our stance is to have them talk to someone rather than carry the weight of self-made solutions.

— Nikki

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I do not believe there is a “good” or a “bad” child. Labels like that are judgments according to our own experiences and expectations.

Society must be reminded that kids are not “Mini-Mes” whose parents are graded on their parenting skills or “how their kids turn out.” Parents do the best they can in every situation. Things like education, awareness and mentoring go a long way in developing effective parenting techniques, but not every mother or father has the opportunity, time or desire to learn how to parent. The bottom line is most of us teach our children what is expected of them, model appropriate behavior and put a lot of heart into parenting. Yet when they reach 18, the children-turned-adults are ultimately responsible for their own actions. A parent can only trust they have done their best at that point and hope the children make good choices from there.

Christine Gulick and Devon Cooper are adults. They are responsible for the consequences of their actions. Growing up, I’m sure their parents did their best. Gulick and Cooper took it from there.

— Marsha Calder

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I could write volumes on what it is like to have a “child go bad.” I have lived in Las Vegas since 1964 and raised three children. The “troubled child” was introduced to cocaine at the age of 11 by a neighbor whose father was an addict. The other two went on to become an attorney and a school teacher. All three children were raised basically the same with the same love, privileges, environment and emotional support. The one who walked down the wrong path has spent the past 30 years in and out of various rehab hospitals and is currently in prison. Our family, including three generations, was decimated over the years by the actions of the one. Until the drugs destroyed reasoning and health, this one was capable of brilliance in many areas, was polite, caring, funny, loving, artistic and much, much more. I have such empathy for the mother of Christine Gulick and for all the mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, grandparents and friends who have been put in the same position by their loved ones.

Every time I hear the old Merle Haggard song, “Mama Tried,” I silently send up a prayer for all of us who tried.

— Linda

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I’d like to give my views as a retired elementary schoolteacher. Most of the parents of the children I taught, just like my wife and me, were devoted to our children and wanted them to grow up to be responsible adults. We read to them, took care of them when they were ill and tucked them in at night. We made sure they were clean, well fed and properly dressed. We worked with them on their homework; listened to their concerns; hugged them; gave them guidance; and showed up at their concerts, plays and athletic events. It wasn’t always easy but very worthwhile. Then there are children who weren’t so lucky. Their parents were involved with their careers, hobbies or other interests and the children’s needs were secondary. Or there are the few whose parents were alcoholics, drug addicts or had serious health or mental problems. This last group was dealt a bad hand. The only mistake they made was having children they couldn’t raise properly. A child isn’t a pet or souvenir. It takes a lot of your time to properly raise one. If you don’t think you can spare that time, then don’t be a parent. There’s always a need for loving aunts, uncles or friends who can give a child additional love and support. It’s your choice.

— Richard J. Mundy

• • •

I am the mother of Christine Gulick. Her father and I did the best we could.

At an early age, she started showing signs of trouble. We put her in therapy, she was hospitalized, and then she was sent to a place in Utah where they deal with problem girls. She was there a year. Even after the intense therapy, she still did things that caused concern. Then she started on the drugs.

I never gave up. I kept pulling her out of trouble, took care of her kids, gave her a place to live, etc. I kept hoping to see that little girl I had raised. Nothing seemed to help, and it was like I was enabling her to run amok. She abused me both mentally and physically; she stole from me and put me in some really bad positions. Anytime I tried to help her get off the drugs, she would do fine for about a week, then off she’d get high again. I was determined to get my kid back.

Then I realized I wasn’t doing her kids any good. They had been in and out of foster care (I had my license) much of their lives. I finally decided it was either her or her kids. I couldn’t do both. Since the kids were the victims in this mess, I chose to raise the kids. I had to give up on my daughter.

I ask myself every day, what could I have done differently? Did I do something wrong? Finally I realized that no matter what kind of mother I had been, she had a choice. At some point she had to start making better choices. She couldn’t blame anyone but herself for the choices she made.

She was taught right from wrong. She was disciplined when she misbehaved. I now feel no responsibility for what she has become. She made the choices she made because she wanted to. No one made her want to do the things she was doing. She chose to do them.

I love my daughter and I pray for her every day. I pray that she will get the help she needs and will someday be able to be a part of her children’s lives. I have doubts, but I also have hope.

I am sorry for the people she has terrorized. I feel bad for them, but I no longer feel responsible. That falls to her.

— desertrose718

• • •

Could be simple family values and parent support. ... I think it is all about having the parents keep you busy, studying, in sports, active and saying no to certain things. Once parental control is lost, so is the child.

— petef (Peter Fritz)

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I don’t know these people, but as the father of a felon, I would caution all those quick to judge to be aware we have a criminal “justice” system that is predatory and self-serving. I watched my son be processed — not defended — for what amounted to taking charity from a stranger when he lived on the streets. I’m proud of who he is today. ...

“Could be simple family values and parent support ...”

petef — You said it best. For me it started getting better when I discovered my kids were worth listening to and that respect has to go both ways.

— KillerB

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Take them places, show them stuff, read to them. But above all, love them enough to get them talking, saying their own ideas in their own way. ... The best thing we can do is treat them with dignity and respect, work with them and listen to how they think and what moves their soul. “In their own words” is the key. Compare and contrast out loud for them. Tell them secrets and stories. You’ll get stories and secrets and insight, and they’ll feel their connections to us and grow from the reflection.

— airweare (Joe Lamy)

• • •

I have a brother and a sister. We were born in 1953, 1956 and 1959, with me being the oldest. I was small, shy and lacked confidence. My brother tried to emulate whatever I did. My mom set the rules, dad enforced them, and my brother and I followed them. It was a quiet time in society and we were easy to raise. My sister came along in 1959. My parents were older, discipline was a little more lax, and their marriage had started to have problems. My sister was gregarious, outgoing and a risk taker. Attempted boundary setting and discipline was met with a hail of resistance by my sister. Society was just entering a tumultuous period of the 1960s.

My sister was sexually active early, used drugs extensively, married early, lost a child due to violence by her drug-dealing husband and has many problems, even today. My brother and I are not without issues, but we are a world apart from my sister.

What are the causes of the difference? Personality (passive versus aggressive), family (good marriage versus one in trouble), societal state when growing up (stable versus huge change), parental discipline (tough and accepted versus less consistent and fought every step of the way).

All these things, plus “blind chance,” contributed to the difference between my brother and I and my sister. It really is a complex mix of factors.

— wtplv (Michael Casler)