A conversation between Sharron Angle and God

By Jon Ralston

Friday, July 16, 2010 | 2:01 a.m.

The voice on the other end startled Sharron Angle, its sonorous resonance booming through the phone line.

“Sharron, I am calling again to tell you what you must do.”

Angle: “Yes, Lord, I am listening.”

God: “You have prepared for this all of your life, my child. You are my instrument on Earth to take on the devil. Remember how I told you that you must run against Harry Reid?”

Angle: “Yes, my Lord. But are you still sure? I am dropping like a rock in the polls. Is this another test? How many times must I be tested? Last time you told me to run against a man who might as well be God — sorry, no offense — and Bill Raggio beat me.”

God: “I understand your frustration, Sharron. But you have a calling. You needed to taste defeat so you could understand what it is to win. How do you think you won the Senate primary?”

Angle: “Because Sue Lowden said that stupid stuff about chickens?”

God: “Do you think she did that on her own? No one could have been that inept as a candidate. It was divine intervention. You are the chosen one, Sharron.”

Angle: “Maybe I should have asked this first, but how I do know this is really God?”

God: “If the voice doesn’t do it, how about me telling you about some of my other conversations with Nevada Republicans, who have the hotline to heaven?”

Angle: “Oh, please do, Lord.”

God: “I acknowledge that my first chosen one for the U.S. Senate did not work out too well. I called John Ensign and told him it was his calling to be a U.S. senator. I actually had even higher plans for him — the presidency. But then he strayed, Sharron. The ways of the flesh. And so I called him again and told him that I never intended for him to do this. Those are the exact words he wrote to Cindy Hampton. Look at the letter. There’s the proof, Sharron.”

Angle: “And what else did you tell him, Lord?”

God: “I told him I wanted to restore him to his wife and Doug to Cynthia Hampton. So it was written, so it was done.”

Angle: “Thank God.”

God: “You’re welcome. Now, Sharron, most people are well aware that Harry Reid is possessed by the devil. Why else would he say the things he has said? Mephistopheles is very powerful and he has allowed Reid to do much damage. I called Dina Titus and Shelley Berkley to do an exorcism, but they refused to pick up. Most Democrats, as you know, are godless. And I called Rory, but he seemed not to know who his father was. So now I rely on you, Sharron.”

Angle: “What would you have me do, my God?”

God: “You must continue to do what you are doing, especially on there being no separation of church and state. The Lord must be in everything, Sharron. Don’t worry about the polls. I will guide the hands of voters in November. It is predestined. You must know that.”

Angle: “I do, my Lord. But it was so much easier when all I had to remember is the buzzwords. Now some of these people actually want me to talk in depth. And who are these people you sent here from Washington? They are trying to change me.”

God: “You know D.C. is a den of iniquity, Sharron. Trust no one who comes from there. They are agents of that devil’s acolyte, Harry Reid. Who do you think was calling on that radio show and tricked you into saying that BP has a slush fund? Harry Reid. Who do you think got those advisers to tell you to back away from your past positions and make you look like a flip-flopper? Harry Reid. Who do you think got all those people to contribute to your campaign to help you beat Lowden? Harry Reid. What the devil didn’t know was that I wanted you to win, too.”

Angle: “That’s diabolical, God.”

God: “Excuse me?”

Angle: “I mean that’s very, um, God-like. So what’s next, Lord?”

God: “Just keep doing what you are doing. I can promise you this, Sharron. Harry Reid will say some crazy stuff in the next four months. I will make sure of that.”

Angle: “One more thing, God: Can’t you do something about all those liberals in the media?”

God: “Yes, my child. They are a plague, worse and more numerous than locusts. But fear not: When you win, they will see the light and the truth about the devil named Reid.”

Angle: “Thank God.”

God: “You’re welcome.”