New Assembly leaders show holiday spirit of asking

By Jon Ralston

Friday, Dec. 17, 2010 | 2:01 a.m.

The holidays are a time for giving, and I think I know who the state’s lobbying corps have on their Christmas lists.

That’s because, in the spirit of the season, a pair of newly minted Carson City leaders has provided the lobbyists with a wonderful suggestion for where their generosity should be spread this year. It’s a heartwarming pitch: Your money or your bills.

Of course, that’s not exactly what Speaker-elect John Oceguera and Majority Leader-to-be Marcus Conklin say in separate fundraising letters sent this month. It’s subtler than that — slightly — as they seek to get checks before donations are statutorily prohibited early next year (30 days before the session).

But the message is the name, even though the salutations don’t read: “Hi, we’re in power now, so give us a little money before we have the ability to take a lot.”

Check out these excerpts from both, with some helpful translation from polispeak to humanspeak:

Oceguera: “As we near year’s end and reflect one last time on this incredible election cycle, I want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who helped so much in this past year. I am humbled and honored to move into my role as Speaker-Elect of the Nevada Assembly.”

Thanks for your contributions. Don’t forget I’m the man.

“... We were able to elect 26 Democrats ... We feel very fortunate to maintain such a solid majority in the Assembly.”

By solid, I mean I can still do whatever I want. Capice?

“I, too, had a very difficult campaign this cycle, with a barrage of negative mail against me.”

So difficult I won by 14 points. Oh, the humanity!

“I know many of you helped to get me across the finish line. But, because this election cycle was extremely expensive, I need to ask for your help once again. Please help my campaign …”

It is true that I had to spend more than I hoped and that the GOP’s ineptitude helped us lose only two seats. But even if that hadn’t happened, I am still the speaker — did I mention that? And I want more money!

“We all know the challenges we are facing and how difficult this next legislative session is going to be.”

Don’t make it more difficult for yourself, if you know what I mean.

“I ran my campaign on a platform of openness ...”

That is why I am openly asking you for more money right before the session, when you are most at my mercy. If that’s not open, what is?

“As always, I hope you will feel free to contact me any time. I hope you and yours have a happy holiday season.”

But don’t forget my gift or the new year will not be kind to you.

Conklin was equally subtle, putting “Re: Happy Holidays” before the salutation, as if this were a Christmas card:

“I was honored to receive the support of 61% of those who voted in my Assembly race.”

I cannot lose in this district, and I will be powerful in 2013, too.

“As you are aware, because we have lost so many of our veteran legislators, there will be changes in our leadership and committee assignments this session. I’m also honored to have been selected as Assembly Majority Floor Leader for the 2011 legislative session.”

In case you missed it, I am super-powerful now because of the changes in the election. And you know what that means ...

“We recognize all too well the challenges facing our state and the difficult choices ahead.”

You, too, face challenges in the 2011 session and have difficult choices about who you need to support. I will make it easy for you.

“I remain confident, however, that by working together — truly working in a collaborative and cooperative manner with everyone involved — we can weather our current economic crisis and pave the way for a brighter future.”

By collaborating, I mean you give me money and I will be a much happier collaborator. I weather my economic crisis — not enough money in my campaign fund — and you weather yours — I keep my hands off your money during the session.

“This campaign has been very expensive, and unfortunately, I have to ask for your help one final time.”

OK, I’m lying. There’s no way this is the last time I will ask you for money. And it’s not unfortunate at all. It’s what greases the wheels of this wonderful system.

“And most of all I wish you and your family a happy and joyous holiday season.”

Oh, yes, least of all ...

These holiday greetings are so touching, so sincere, so heartfelt, it’s only a matter of time before Hallmark steals them.