Crowded GOP field makes its case to run against Harry Reid

By Jon Ralston

Sunday, Oct. 11, 2009 | 2 a.m.

Two weeks ago we brought you the first in a series of debates — that one for governor — moderated by Channel 13 anchor/damage control expert Nina Radetich. Today I have a transcript of the to and fro between the GOP U.S. Senate hopefuls at the same venue, the Thomas & Mack Center:

Radetich: Welcome back to the campaign 2010 debate series at the T&M. We have a crowded stage up here. If any of you feel you don’t perform well, call me later. I may be able to help. Politico wrote last week, “The only thing stopping Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid from being rated as the most vulnerable Democratic senator is the quality of his opposition.” We are going to show people today how high the quality is. First question: What qualifies you to take on the Senate majority leader? Let’s start with Sue Lowden.

Lowden: I am qualified because I know Harry Reid the best. He actually was my husband’s lawyer. And we gave him campaign money. But now we don’t like him anymore.

Danny Tarkanian: It’s good to be back in the place where my dad won so many games. My dad is Jerry Tarkanian. Remember him? Now what was the question again?

Sharron Angle: Why am I qualified? Because I was the first to announce. Isn’t that enough?

Mark Amodei: I need a job. Enough said.

Chuck Kozak: Hey, I played hoops, too. And I could school Danny any day of the week.

Bill Parson: I am just happy to be here.

Mike Wiley (pulls out AR-15 rifle): I believe in the Second Amendment. And if there are any black helicopters outside, I will shoot them down. Anyone want to buy this rifle?

Radetich: Mr. Chachas has just arrived.

John Chachas: Sorry I’m late. I had to MapQuest Tropicana Avenue after my chartered flight from JFK landed. Why am I qualified? Because I am smart and have oodles of money.

Radetich: Thank you, gentlemen and ladies. Next question: Harry Reid says he has killed Yucca Mountain. Could you please explain your position?

Amodei: People up North don’t care about it. My only votes will come from up North. So I don’t care about it, either.

Wiley, Kozak and Chachas (in unison): Excuse me, what’s Yucca Mountain?

Lowden: I’ll take that one. Yucca Mountain is a proposed nuclear waste dump I opposed as a state senator in some meaningless vote but have since learned to like after I toured there with my unbiased friend, Bob List.

Angle: There is no tax issue at Yucca Mountain. Therefore, I don’t care. But I may start an initiative to make sure it is not taxed.

Parson: I worked at the Test Site. Does that mean anything to anyone?

Tarkanian: I am opposed to Yucca Mountain. And so is my dad, Jerry Tarkanian. The former coach.

Radetich: Thank you. Next question: Why are you more qualified than your opponents?

Angle: Have I mentioned I was the first to file? And no one can get to the right of me. Just try.

Wiley: OK, I will: I am not just against health care reform — I am against health care. I would like to shoot health care with this rifle.

Parson: My resume is really, really long. It takes up a whole page and more on the Internet. Go see it. Lots of military stuff.

Tarkanian: I could go to my right better than anyone. Just ask my dad, Jerry Tarkanian.

Kozak: I played hoops, too, darn it. And I could dunk. Could you dunk, Danny? I don’t think so.

Radetich: I can’t believe Politico wrote that about the quality of the candidates. This is very impressive so far. Final question: Why should we replace the Senate majority leader if when we are such a small state and have such a powerful person there?

Chachas: If he’s so powerful, how come the country and the state are in such a shambles? Thanks for having me, Nina. I have to get to my home in Ely. Can anyone tell me how to get to Ely?

Lowden: The New York guy is right. What has Harry done for us except get us a lot of pork? And who would you rather see on “Meet the Press” on Sunday: Harry or me? I rest my case.

Amodei: It’s time for a change.

Kozak, Parson and Wiley: Yeah. What he said.

Tarkanian: My dad, Jerry Tarkanian, was a powerful person for many years. I know about power. He was the coach.

Radetich: That’s all the time we have. What a memorable, enlightening debate. Sen. Reid has his work cut out for him against this field.