Why here, why there, why now?

By Ron Kantowski

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 2009 | 2 a.m.

Our team in the United Football League, one of about six or seven new pro football leagues that has wisely chosen one of the worst times in our nation’s economy to start up from scratch, apparently will now be known as Las Vegas-Los Angeles.

And you thought we didn’t need a bullet train.

Last week the U-Full said it would start play this fall with eight teams and that Jim Fassel, the former Giants (and Utah) coach, probably would be the Las Vegas coach.

On Monday that was reduced to four teams.

And the season was shortened in games, from way too many to like six.

This has to be the worst case of shrinkage since George Costanza went for a dip in the Hamptons.

Jim Fassel is still going to be the Las Vegas-Los Angeles coach. Let’s hope he enjoys Barstow Station.

The UFL on Monday blamed the economy for halving its planned number of teams. In a related story, Michael Phelps, Scott Norwood and Bill Buckner want to know if there is a statute of limitations on blaming the economy for bad stuff that happens.

The league said Monday it has acquired an additional $30 million, to go with the previously announced $20 million, in startup capital. One of the big investors reportedly is the husband of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, so at least there’s the chance of a bailout when the other half of the UFL folds.

Despite the reduction in league members and our city’s history for failing to support minor league football, we are still going to have a team — sort of — in the startup league that will go up against high school and college football on Fridays and Saturdays.

Only we’ll have to share it with Los Angeles.

Las Vegas-Los Angeles, New York-Hartford, Conn., and San Francisco-Sacramento will join the Kansas City-Omaha Kings for the inaugural season.

Actually, Orlando, Fla., will be the fourth team, all by itself.

Still sounds like all hyphen, no cattle to me.

In another board room filled with fools looking to lose somebody else’s money — I mean visionary businessmen with a great idea — a plan is being hatched to revive the United States Football League, which folded in 1985 after three seasons. RIP, Boston-New Orleans-Portland Breakers.

There go those hyphens again.

USFL2 or Son of USFL probably won’t be announced until March. But like death and taxes and all-expenses-paid spa junkets for investment bankers, it’s definitely coming, at least according to a telephone conversation I had with Mike Dwyer, the founder, chairman, chief executive and starting quarterback for the new Washington Federals.

(That last part, about Dwyer being the starting QB for the Washington Federals, is a joke. There isn’t going to be a team in Washington.)

There will be 12 teams elsewhere — including one in Las Vegas, of course, because we have such a solid reputation for supporting minor league football (wink-wink ... wink, wink, wink) — that will play a 16-game season from February to June beginning in 2010.

At least the new USFL picked the right time of the year to play experimental football that very few will watch.

Dwyer said former USFL stalwarts such as Bobby Hebert will be involved in the reincarnation of the league (not as players, it is hoped) and that a forthcoming announcement of the commissioner would blow people’s minds. I’m thinking it might be Capt. Sully Sullenberger because it’s only a matter of time before birds start flying into engines.

One of the highlights listed on the new USFL’s Internet home page is that field goals of 51 yards or more will be worth four points. So will safeties, doubling the chance of a 4-4 tie.

When you click on “Coaching Candidates” you are greeted with a slick pop-up that asks “Do you have what it takes to be a USFL coach?”

Well, I am the proud owner of a Rick Neuheisel San Antonio Gunslingers jersey and know most of the words to the Philadelphia Stars’ fight song.

Can I be offensive coordinator for the new Pittsburgh Maulers?

I hate to sound like Mikey, the Life cereal kid who hates everything, when it comes to the viability of minor league football in Las Vegas, because there is a time and place for everything. I’m thinking Fresno or Bakersfield during the Clinton administration or when He Hate Me was in his prime might have worked.

But these are the grim facts: The country is broke, the state is broke, UNLV is broke, the Clark County School District is broke and Station Casinos are going bankrupt.

The UNLV basketball team can’t sell out the Thomas & Mack Center with $7 balcony tickets, attendance at Wranglers hockey games is down and barring a secret 3-for-1 ticket offer, there may be entire sections of empty seats at our upcoming NASCAR race.

Plans for our new sports arenas — both of ’em — have been put in mothballs.

The price of gasoline is going back up, our unemployment rate is worse than in all but four states and A-Rod is a baldfaced liar.

And the U-Full wants Joe the Football Fan to pay $20 to watch a guy from C.W. Post throw the football to a guy from Colorado School of Mines.

All aboard the bullet train.