The Douchie Awards are in!

By Xania Woodman

Sunday, Dec. 27, 2009 | 12:38 p.m.

When last we caught up with Hot Chicks With Douchebags author Jay Louis, he was dodging poisoned arrows and eluding death threats. Well, not really, but there were a lot of Las Vegas nightlifers seeking legal counsel about what they should or could do to this guy for including them in the book version of his popular Web site of the same name.

Whether you think him a hero or villain, Louis is daily giving us something new to Tweet about, and most of it, he told the Weekly back in 2008 (“Vegas Gets Booked”), he gets from loyal followers.

He’s just the messenger, kids! Don’t hate!

And this time of year Louis is also the arbitrator of fierce competition in choosing the crème de la crème of douchiest man-scaped, fake-baked, juiced-up, Jerzey boys and the Hotts who lick them on camera for the 2009 Douchie Awards.

Tiger and Elin make timely appearances as “Celebrity HCwDB of the Year,” from among the 37 categories, which include “Douchiest Hand Gesture” (winner: The Hypothetical Gun), Jerziest Jerz (winner: Guido Buttchinsky), Clearest Proof of Natural Selection (winner: The Incredible Yolk), and the coveted “HCwDB of the Year” (winners: Smoot and Crystal).

No one is safe from Louis’ Tolkien-tongue and thesaurus of Sniglets, portmanteaus and Jabberwocky gibberish: “Also note the white ‘A/X’ letters on the shirt reappear seamlessly on his belt buckle. That's some Criss Angel kinda poo right there.”

Despite his telling the Weekly that he doesn’t really like the word Guido, thanks perhaps in part to shows like MTV’s Jersey Shore, orange fake tans, bridge-and-tunnel hair and pretty much the entire Garden State takes a firm beating at Louis’ hand.

But it’s not just the douchebag quotient of the world that gets the fame and glory. As the book and site’s titles imply, Louis and his audience of everymen are very much about the “Hot Chicks,” who are lauded for “Sexiest Back Curve,” “Best Golden Globes” and “Best Golden Globes II.” (Ass-men: forget applebottoms and seek out the codename “Pear”).

Louis does nothing to hide his Pavlovian response to seeing a perfect specimen, just as he does not hold back from tearing down the über-macho Eurotrash she might be dangling from. Of Alana’s posterior, Louis writes appreciatively: “It's like a ski slope of cotton candy made out of suckle flesh that ends with two half-baked loaves of doughy challah bread wrestling to pick up a raisin.”

You get the picture.

Just as Vegas has figured prominently with just about every well-known VIP host, DJ and party girl being sucked into Louis’ world of nonsensical wordplay and haphazard mockery, so too does Vegas step up and acknowledge our apparent collective douchitude. Winner Hairy Belafonte gets the award for “Douchiest Hair," his “Vegas spectacle” of a mohawk appearing to have been captured at one of Vegas’ fine pool parties, as does the winner of “Douchiest Tattoo.” Elsewhere in the chart-toppers you can almost make out some familiar Vegas cocktail uniforms on the occasional and unfortunate Hott.

Not content with his mere author status, Louis cops to having his eye on populating a gallery wall or two with the winners of the category “Most Likely to be a Part of the HCwDB Show at the Guggenheim Museum in 2023.” Two of the winners, Pool Pear and Ass Pear in Chains look to have been shot at Vegas pool parties, as well.

While we can certainly appreciate (though perhaps not always understand) Louis’s humor, we would humbly suggest for his own security that he steer clear of Rehab this summer, lest he should run into some of his esteemed award winners and establish a new ‘bag category himself, namely The Punching Bag.