Immortality for sale

By Brendan Buhler

Monday, March 24, 2008 | 2 a.m.

Meet Mony Vital. He’s immortal, or at least he says he is, and he’ll be happy to teach you how to be, too.

Of course, it costs you anywhere from $450 (for six months of immortality) to $2,875 (for lifetime immortality), but who, besides Mony Vital, can put a price on eternity?

Installment payments welcome. He does pets, too.

Mony Vital did other things before he was immortal. There was the 18-month period when he was a breatharian, and didn’t eat anything or drink even water, living instead off prana, or light energy. But tonight he’s in the rented backroom of a crystal shop, explaining everlasting life to 20 people.

Oh, he doesn’t trot out the big I-word. He just says death is a custom and you can live as long as you like.

“It is a secret in our world to keep you down like a slave,” Vital says.

Then he holds up two sheep dolls, which represent all the dying suckers.

“The sheeple,” say a couple of audience members, nodding.

Vital smiles. But Vital always smiles, big and wide, like his eyes, which are locked on yours.

“This conversation is not for everyone, of course. It is only for those who want to control their future,” he says.

“Your belief system changes your DNA instantly.”

The audience goes um-hum, and Vital explains how Vital Energetic Balancing and the Quantum Prayer System work.

“In Newtonian physics, everything runs in wires. But in the quantum world, there are no wires,” Vital says. “I’m all energy, yet I don’t have wires coming out of me.” He slithers his hands down his chest and across his bottom. No wires.

The whole universe is one consciousness and at night we receive information from it, he says — instructions, if you will. These instructions regulate our life force. But sometimes they get garbled. The average life force number is shockingly low in the United States — only 56. Fifty six!

But Vital has discovered a way to fix your life force. It’s right here on his laptop, a program called the Quantum Prayer System. It prays for you in “millions of frequencies of prayers — they’re not religious, they’re just prayers.” And it channels and amplifies those prayers to you. “Imagine everyone in China chanting your name. That powerful.”

But wait, you are saying, how can the Quantum Prayer System work for me?

Well, it is very simple. The program needs to ascertain your energy signature, for which it will need your date of birth, place of birth, home address, phone number and e-mail address. “Nobody else in the universe has this energy,” Vital says.

He demonstrates the program using an audience member’s energy signature. A series of bar graphs pops onto the screen. This woman is very judgmental and has fungus frequencies. Does she have fungus growing maybe someplace personal? No? Well, does she eat mushrooms? Yes? Ah. That is very bad.

“How come the computer knew all this?” Vital says. “It is 97 percent accurate.”

It is so sensitive that it can detect frequencies from long ago, even frequencies that have rubbed off on you from friends, family members or your dog or cat. You can catch bad frequencies over the phone.

Oh, and Vital has dietary advice to help you from becoming acidic and getting cancer. You must not, of course, eat mushrooms. Or salt. Or tea, green or black. And fiber is meaningless, fiber is for sick people. No herbal supplements. No soy. No garlic. No citrus. And most especially, no tomatoes. “There is nothing good about a tomato.”

Back to the Quantum Prayer System. It is so accurate it can tell, on a scale of 1 to 100, how your organs are. Even parts of your organs. He pulls up the numbers and a color diagram of a woman’s reproductive system, which he examines.

“The pee comes through here,” Vital says, pointing at the fallopian tubes.

There are problems. Frequency problems. But not to worry, Vital will now send out the correct frequency instructions. He pushes a button on the screen. A white line scrolls back and forth across the diagram for two minutes. Fixed.

You know, it is amazing how accurate this system is, Vital says. Once, a friend of his was driving home and thought she would stop at McDonald’s for a hot apple pie. (The audience gasps in horror.) No, don’t worry, she didn’t eat it. Didn’t even buy it. But you know, when he looked at the system later, he could see the frequency: McDonald’s Apple Pie.

“Wow,” says one guy. “Oh, wow.”

That’s nothing. One time, Vital says, he was in the Amazon rain forest, planting crystals at energy vortices. He was wearing these rubber waders so he could walk through water, and an ant got into his waders and bit him on a sensitive personal area. Oh, it hurt. When he got back to camp, he called his girlfriend at home in California. Didn’t tell her anything, just asked her to turn on the computer and look him up. And she could tell, looking at the computer, that he’d been bitten by an ant. A red ant.

“Consciousness mathematically causes that curve to move and tell you exactly what is happening,” Vital says.

Now the guy who went “wow” has an important question. If the computer has a frequency and is conscious, can he use it to find gold on the gold frequency?

“I don’t think people who want gold want it for its frequency,” Vital says, crushing the guy.

Later, Wow Guy rallies and asks if the computer’s frequencies can block the frequencies the government uses and if Vital knows what frequencies the government uses. Well, Vital says, the government has this technology already. Everything is about control. There are also chemtrails, which most people think are the contrails left by jet engines but are actually powders the government is dropping to experiment on you.

“Wow,” says Wow Guy. “This is like science fiction.”

“Being on the program will protect you,” Vital says.

“Because we’re all in your computer,” Wow Guy says.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“We’re all in your world!”

“You got it, yeah.”

“So Mony is ... God.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Vital says. And smiles.