‘American Idols Live’

By Joe Brown

Wednesday, July 2, 2008 | 2 a.m.

Start painting your homemade “I heart David” signs, Las Vegas. This year’s herd of freshly manufactured pop stars is on the move and headed our way. The “American Idols Live!” tour — sponsored, appropriately enough, by Pop Tarts — kicked off Tuesday in Glendale, Ariz., and the Thomas & Mack Center is stop No. 4 on the 53-show, 49-city, 72-day trek.

Independence Day is so yesterday — for the rest of the summer, the “American Idols” tour is where the real national celebration is happening. A spokesman for the Thomas & Mack Center says it’s on track to sell out 11,000 seats by Saturday’s show.

Just six months ago you didn’t know their names. Today many of you could still pick at least three of them out of a lineup. So here they come, your American Idols: David Cook, David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, Jason Castro, Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Kristy Lee Cook, Michael Johns, Ramiele Malubay and Chikezie Eze.

1. Results ... after this break

We hear that in addition to the usual awkward group medleys and duets (with “Brady Bunch”-level choreography), each of the Idols gets a miniconcert on this year’s tour. Which means Archuleta will be haloed in golden light for “Angel,” White will do “Let It Be” at the piano, Castro will warble “Over the Rainbow” and Kristy Lee Cook, bless her, will reprise “God Bless the USA.” Poor David Cook has to sing his crummy coronation tune, “The Time of My Life.” But we’ll also get some songs they didn’t sing on the show: Smithson will rock Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life,” and Malubay takes on the Jackson 5 hit “I Want You Back.” Of course The Ten will be performing without the benefit of the judgment of The Three. So, just in case you need them, here are some choice Simon Cowellisms: “That was just pathetic.” “I never want to hear that song again. I cannot stand it. I’m allergic to it.” “I’ve been known to call someone the worst singer in the world ... but you by far are the worst singer in the universe.”

2. Idol gossip

There are “American Idol” fans — and then there are the people who watch the show primarily to write about it, read about it and talk about it online afterward. The best medicine for post-“Idol” hangover is the top five recap sites: Television Without Pity (“Each performance brings us closer and closer to the end of culture,” it says), TVgasm, Weetapidol, the Los Angeles Times’ “Show Tracker” blog and USA Today’s “Idol Chatter” blog, run by the excellent Ken Barnes and still buzzing with daily updates long after the anticlimactic coronation of King David C. (A quick catch-up on recent “Idol” headlines: They are traveling on a girls’ bus and a boys’ bus. David Cook is dating former contestant Kimberly Caldwell. Michael Johns was sporting a mustache this week. Blake Lewis was dropped by his record label, Arista. Taylor Hicks is playing “Teen Angel” in “Grease” on Broadway. Ruben Studdard just got married in Alabama. Paris Bennett is pregnant and may name the child Egypt ...)

3. You’re going to Hollywood!

Hollywood, Fla., that is: In February, the Walt Disney Co. announced it was developing an “American Idol” theme park attraction at its Hollywood Studios park. When the attraction opens in January, aspiring singers will audition before a live audience, including three judges who could be selected from the crowd. The gimmick could serve as a farm team for the show — each day’s final winner will receive a “Dream Ticket” that will allow him or her to jump the line at one of the regional auditions. And if the Fox network thinks this will work in Florida, what do you want to bet they’re thinking of a Vegas variation, too?

4. You look pretty tonight

Arguably the best part of the “American Idol” season begins soon after the crop is winnowed down to a manageable 24, and identifiable characters start to emerge as in a Polaroid picture. That’s also when the annual, inevitable crop of scandals, revealing photographs and sex tapes begins to bloom on the Web. This year’s season got off to a good start with the revelation (with easy-to-find online photos) that 24-year-old contestant David Hernandez worked as a stripper at a club in Phoenix. For three years. But the rest of the gang was disappointingly uncontroversial. Keep your fingers crossed for some on-the-road shenanigans (Michael Johns sneaks aboard the girls’ bus!). Until then, future “Idol” contestants, get busy on committing those misdemeanors and making those home videos.

5. Idol 4-Ever

Speaking of future Idols, the cycle is beginning again: Cattle-call auditions for the next season begin July 17 at the (aptly named) Cow Palace in San Francisco, and will continue in seven other cities, including Phoenix (July 25) and Salt Lake City (July 29). Visit AmericanIdol.com for details. Come on, Las Vegas, with all the talent we’ve got around here, let’s get some local contenders in season eight!

And for those of you (OK, us) who are in serious withdrawal from our national distraction, we can always wallow in the beyond-awful “Canadian Idol,” which is currently in full swing. Catch up on the imported cheesiness at www.idol.ctv.ca, and on YouTube, of course.

Joe Brown can be reached at 259-8801 or at [email protected].