Friday, Jan. 25, 2008 | 2 a.m.
It was Sir Winston Churchill who said he had nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat, which, if you take out the toil and rearrange them, would make a pretty good horn band.
But it won’t get it done if you’re studying hotel management during a budget crisis.
To help Gov. Jim Gibbons balance his books, UNR is considering a temporary surcharge on registration fees while UNLV is proposing cutting all nonessential or cost-ineffective programs.
Except football.
But there are other ways the Rebel athletic department can do its part to offset the $283.6 million hole in Big Jim’s wallet:
• Talk Rollie Massimino into giving back some of that secret contract money he found under the table.
• Stop spending recruiting money on USC quarterbacks who can’t play or have the pain threshold of Richard Simmons.
• Stop spending recruiting money in minor sports on players from Sri Lanka and the Faroe Islands when there are dozens to choose from at Bishop Gorman and Las Vegas High.
• Win a few football games.
• Or schedule a few more against Wisconsin, which seems a lot easier.
• Hold a telethon to raise money. (But don’t do it on the mtn., because then nobody with a satellite dish or basic cable will see it.)
• Eliminate spring football practice, because it apparently doesn’t do a darn bit of good.
• Put Lon Kruger in charge of making ends meet. Have you ever seen a guy do so much with so little?
• Because UNLV hasn’t received any money or those new scoreboards from its new Internet service provider it was promised last summer — and seems to be getting by without them — send that check straight to Carson City if it ever gets put in the mail.
• Nickname Rebel defense “The Junk Bond Dogs.”
• Create a new bowl game for 2-10 teams. Sell the rights to Comedy Central.
• “Introducing new coach Steve Wynn, and his assistant, Andre Agassi.”
• Fine Mike Sanford $20 every time he uses the expression “School Up North” to describe Nevada-Reno. There should be a law that you cannot belittle or disrespect your in-state rival until you can beat it at least once.
• Talk Cliff Findlay into pledging $100 for every football player who leaves the program between now and the start of two-a-days.
• Goodbye Thomas & Mack Center. Hello Jed Clampett Arena.
• Change school colors to red, white, blue and yellow. Then instead of buying new uniforms, the Rebels can wear Hot Dog on a Stick hand-me-downs.
• Are restricted-earnings coaches — or whatever the NCAA is calling graduate assistants this week — really necessary?
• Hold a bake sale at Cox Pavilion.
• And a carwash in the parking lot.
• Let Snoop Dogg play wide receiver for a small fee.
• Upon further review, Runnin’ Rockefellers isn’t such a bad nickname.
• Save on costly pregame basketball fireworks by having Gucci Row ticket-holders wave leftover sparklers from the Moapa Paiute Travel Plaza Fireworks Smoke Shop.
• If baseball games were shortened to three innings, you wouldn’t need as many pitchers.
• “Hi, I’m Curtis Terry, and could I interest you in a magazine subscription?”
• Let the football assistants’ combined salary ride on one hand of blackjack.
• Or put it all on 2 and 10 on the roulette wheel.
• Instead of flying charter, travel to Fort Collins in the Partridge Family bus.
• Make those football players who undercharged their buddies at Abercrombie & Fitch stand in the median and hold a boot.
• “Will Play Defense for Tuition and Fees.”
• Bring back John Robinson.
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