Ron Kantowski on how UNLV’s athletic department can help Gov. Gibbons close the state’s budget gap

Friday, Jan. 25, 2008 | 2 a.m.

It was Sir Winston Churchill who said he had nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat, which, if you take out the toil and rearrange them, would make a pretty good horn band.

But it won’t get it done if you’re studying hotel management during a budget crisis.

To help Gov. Jim Gibbons balance his books, UNR is considering a temporary surcharge on registration fees while UNLV is proposing cutting all nonessential or cost-ineffective programs.

Except football.

But there are other ways the Rebel athletic department can do its part to offset the $283.6 million hole in Big Jim’s wallet:

• Talk Rollie Massimino into giving back some of that secret contract money he found under the table.

• Stop spending recruiting money on USC quarterbacks who can’t play or have the pain threshold of Richard Simmons.

• Stop spending recruiting money in minor sports on players from Sri Lanka and the Faroe Islands when there are dozens to choose from at Bishop Gorman and Las Vegas High.

• Win a few football games.

• Or schedule a few more against Wisconsin, which seems a lot easier.

• Hold a telethon to raise money. (But don’t do it on the mtn., because then nobody with a satellite dish or basic cable will see it.)

• Eliminate spring football practice, because it apparently doesn’t do a darn bit of good.

• Put Lon Kruger in charge of making ends meet. Have you ever seen a guy do so much with so little?

• Because UNLV hasn’t received any money or those new scoreboards from its new Internet service provider it was promised last summer — and seems to be getting by without them — send that check straight to Carson City if it ever gets put in the mail.

• Nickname Rebel defense “The Junk Bond Dogs.”

• Create a new bowl game for 2-10 teams. Sell the rights to Comedy Central.

• “Introducing new coach Steve Wynn, and his assistant, Andre Agassi.”

• Fine Mike Sanford $20 every time he uses the expression “School Up North” to describe Nevada-Reno. There should be a law that you cannot belittle or disrespect your in-state rival until you can beat it at least once.

• Talk Cliff Findlay into pledging $100 for every football player who leaves the program between now and the start of two-a-days.

• Goodbye Thomas & Mack Center. Hello Jed Clampett Arena.

• Change school colors to red, white, blue and yellow. Then instead of buying new uniforms, the Rebels can wear Hot Dog on a Stick hand-me-downs.

• Are restricted-earnings coaches — or whatever the NCAA is calling graduate assistants this week — really necessary?

• Hold a bake sale at Cox Pavilion.

• And a carwash in the parking lot.

• Let Snoop Dogg play wide receiver for a small fee.

• Upon further review, Runnin’ Rockefellers isn’t such a bad nickname.

• Save on costly pregame basketball fireworks by having Gucci Row ticket-holders wave leftover sparklers from the Moapa Paiute Travel Plaza Fireworks Smoke Shop.

• If baseball games were shortened to three innings, you wouldn’t need as many pitchers.

• “Hi, I’m Curtis Terry, and could I interest you in a magazine subscription?”

• Let the football assistants’ combined salary ride on one hand of blackjack.

• Or put it all on 2 and 10 on the roulette wheel.

• Instead of flying charter, travel to Fort Collins in the Partridge Family bus.

• Make those football players who undercharged their buddies at Abercrombie & Fitch stand in the median and hold a boot.

• “Will Play Defense for Tuition and Fees.”

• Bring back John Robinson.