Monday, March 5, 2007 | 7:19 a.m.
You know them and well, you probably don't love them. But unless you were sitting next to them at center court at the Darling Tennis Center, you can probably tolerate them until the second tiebreaker.
Reintroducing Muffy and her friend Tad, talking backhand winners and topspin lobs and all things tennis at the Tennis Channel Open:
Muffy: It's about time you showed up, Tad. You missed the first set and 16 replay challenges.
Tad: I couldn't find my thermal insulated boots with the little alligators on them. And my old man wouldn't let me drive his Lexus, because it got all dinged up in the dirt parking lot last year. By the time I got home, it looked like Eddie Murphy's ride in "Beverly Hills Cop." Hey, where's James Blake, the defending champ? He's supposed to be playing that Sam Querrey dude.
Muffy: Blake's not playing.
Tad: Is so.
Muffy: Is not.
Tad: Is so.
Muffy: Is not. Listen to us, we sound like tournament director David Egdes and Etienne de Villiers, the big shot from the ATP Tour. He apparently couldn't figure out his own rules for a round-robin tournament when a guy gets tired - er, has "respiratory distress" - like Juan Martin Del Porto did against Blake before quitting on Thursday.
Tad: Who could be expected to understand those rules? They make the NFL's quarterback rating formula look like third-grade arithmetic. Maybe they should just get rid of this crazy round-robin format and play "real" tennis. You know, when a guy wins, he advances. When he loses, he goes home. Then at least when I finally show up, I would know who was playing.
Muffy: Well, maybe if they had a better field, they wouldn't need these gimmicks. But Roger Federer and a lot of the good players are being wined and dined by sheikhs at Dubai instead of freezing their McEnroes off here. This round-robin format guarantees local fans get to see guys they know, such as Blake, play more than once should too many replays be used against them.
Tad: Provided they don't lose a couple of toes to frostbite. Were you out here early in the week? I went to a tennis match and the Iditarod broke out.
Muffy: I suppose you're right about the weather being a major factor in holding down attendance. I've seen more people show up to watch Roy Clark strum a banjo. But have you checked the ATP schedule in April or May? What are you gonna do when there aren't any open dates?
Tad: Bring a thermos and a Saint Bernard, I guess. I heard those blankets they gave away on Las Vegas night were going for $200 a pop on eBay.
Muffy: Better check the replay, Tad.
Tad: Hey, that replay system they use to determine if a ball is in or out works pretty good, doesn't it? Listen to the fans when they show one. "W-o-o-o-o-o-o" it's like the sound a calliope makes. Or the sound male tennis fans make when Maria Sharapova shows up in a short skirt. Pretty cool.
Muffy: Pretty unnecessary, if you ask me. The line judges almost always get it right. They must be eating their carrots. John McEnroe would be amazed how often they make the right call.
Tad: Speaking of the right call, who made the decision to put an air hockey tournament on the plaza behind center court? What does that have to do with tennis?
Muffy: Not much, I guess. But I thought it was pretty cool. Where else can you see Denang "Blade" Brown and Michael "Ricochet" Rosen play air hockey for free?
Tad: Well, in my rec room, for starters. But I guess you can never get enough air hockey. The world championships are at the Riviera in three weeks.
Muffy: Don't knock air hockey. There didn't seem to be as much as that "Tennispalooza" stuff as they had last year. I saw guys playing tennis on a platform and another guy cut his finger while stringing a racket like Carlos Santana plays the guitar. "Blood on the strings!" shouted the emcee. Wasn't that a Bob Dylan album?
Tad: Pretty good, Muffy. But forget Dylan. And forget Tennispalooka, or whatever they call it. What we need is Gladys Knight and Clint Holmes and Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi. A mixed doubles event on center court. That would really boost attendance.
Muffy: Provided the wind didn't blow.
Tad: Right. I'm going to speak to Mayor Goodman about putting a dome over this place. Or installing some of those valet parking heaters at center court. Makes more sense than spending $400 million on a new arena for an NBA team that may or may not be coming. At least pro tennis is already here.
Muffy: You're joking, right.
Tad: Yeah. The NBA probably is never coming. But I'm not joking about losing any more toes.
Muffy: Then all things considered, you think the Tennis Channel Open is a good idea?
Tad: Oh yeah. It's got more potential than that Korolev kid from Russia who beat Blake. I'm sure it's going to get bigger and better. Warmer, I'm not so sure. But the guys with the alligators on their mittens and the designer sunglasses will figure it out. Give them another year or two to work out the kinks.
Muffy: It's sure nice to have pro tennis back in town, isn't it? I'm thankful to be able to watch Lleyton Hewitt and a lot of guys I've never heard of - I mean up-and-coming stars - knock the fuzz off the ball in my own back yard.
Tad: I'm thankful for something else.
Muffy: What's that?
Tad: That Pacman Jones isn't a tennis fan.
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