Ron Kantowski wonders if the buc will stop with this reality show

Monday, June 4, 2007 | 7:08 a.m.

When I was a kid, we didn't watch much TV during the summer, mostly because we were playing baseball and the only thing on was reruns or, worse, variety shows hosted by singers such as Sonny and Cher, Mac Davis, Helen Reddy and the Hudson Brothers. The most I can say about these shows is, like my college days, I vaguely remember them.

For whatever reason, I seem to recall "The Hudson Brothers Show" more than the others. Perhaps it was because one of them (not Rock) married Goldie Hawn. Or maybe it was because of Australian Rod Hull and his Amazing Emu.

The Emu actually was a hand puppet that would attack its owner during every skit. In 1999, in what can only be described as a remarkable coincidence, Rod Hull was attacked by a TV antenna - he fell to his death while trying to fix it. I'm not sure what possessed Hull to climb onto his roof, only that it couldn't have possibly been reruns of "The Ken Berry Wow Show."

So, I wonder, will today's kids remember the spin-offs of so-called reality shows that are filling lots of summertime TV time blocks the way I recall Captain Wilton Parmenter of "F Troop" fame doing a prime time soft shoe during the summer of 1972?

Probably not. Although they may forever recollect that John, the scientist/exotic dancer (I swear I'm not making this up) and short-lived star of CBS' "Pirate Master," was cut adrift for stuffing a couple of compasses down his pants (again, this really happened) and suggesting the pseudo-buccaneers mutiny against the pirate captain, who didn't look anything at all like Willie Stargell.

The real reason I watched the debut of "Pirate Master" was because I received a press release that said Cheryl Kosewicz would be sailing the low-ratings seas.

Back in the early 1990s, Cheryl Kosewicz was a UNLV women's basketball player. She made the Lady Rebels as a walk-on, which, although impressive, would not seem to qualify one to pursue sunken treasure as a prime-time pirate.

But after her UNLV playing days and four years as Bob Blum's sidekick on Lady Rebel radio broadcasts, Kosewicz went to law school and became a lawyer. Aye, Matey, now I see the pirate connection.

Kosewicz became a deputy prosecutor with the Clark County District Attorney's office and did another stint as Lady Rebels analyst until last fall, when she moved to Reno to become a deputy district attorney.

In that Kosewicz conceivably could be sailing the Carribean for the next 33 days, one might assume June is a slow month for crime up in Washoe County.

Anyway, upon tuning in I was surprised to discover that hers isn't the only connection to sports. One of the pirates on the red team (Kosewicz pillages for the black) is Christian Okoye, who during his NFL career as a Kansas City Chiefs running back was known as "The Nigerian Nightmare." In the debut, Okoye became known for laughing a lot and checking out the bare midriffs of the female pirates.

The show's premise has the pseudo-pirates undermining one another to uncover the lost treasure of Henry Steel, who, depending on your point of view, was either the captain of a pirate ship in the 1720s, a figment of the scriptwriters' imagination, or the point guard at Western U. portrayed by Robby Benson in the forgettable 1970s basketball movie "One on One."

Here's what happened in the first episode: The female pirates put on halter tops and sports bras and got all wet while they and their male counterparts went sailing for Spanish dubloons on a set that looked like "McHale's Navy" or a ride at Disneyland. Then John, the scientist/stripper, stuffed the compasses down his pants, got voted off the ship and when last seen, was floating on a raft toward the Zanzibar Chippendales.

Kosewicz was one of the stars of the first episode. Captain Jim Bob or Joe Don or whatever they are calling him the producers must be Alabama football fans made her one of his two "officers." That entitled her to a bigger portion of the booty and to wear this funky getup, which was supposed to be a pirate uniform but was more remindful of the outfits that Paul Revere and the Raiders wore on "The Ed Sullivan Show."

On the bright side, at least that Sanjaya kid didn't swash buckle onto the set to join the cast for a lip-synched version of "Indian Reservation."