Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007 | 7:08 a.m.
I see where David Beckham is listed as "doubtful" for tonight's Los Angeles Galaxy game against D.C. United in our nation's capital, which, I suppose, is just one more thing to be disappointed about in Washington.
But it also lends more credence to this theory of mine - that the English soccer star was brought to Los Angeles only to sell advance tickets to bad soccer games. And replica jerseys with his number (23) on them. And posters with his face on them. And so that his wife, Victoria, - aka Posh of the Spice Girls - could play a gig at the Hollywood Bowl or the Whisky a Go Go if she succeeds in putting the band back together for a VH1 special.
And that David Beckham has no intention whatsoever of ever playing soccer for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
To sort of paraphrase what Andy Warhol said, I sure hope you enjoyed those 16 minutes of somebody famous playing exhibition soccer a few weeks back.
That quarter of an hour spent running up and down the pitch in a "friendly" against his British mates from Chelsea at the Home Depot Center in Carson, Calif., is the only glimpse we've had of Beckham on the playing field.
At least the soccer playing field.
He spent Monday at Skydome - er, Rogers Centre - in Toronto, mostly hanging out with A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Joe Torre and maybe one or two other New York Yankees somebody thought he should be introduced to before their game against the Blue Jays.
Several of Beckham's Galaxy teammates accompanied him to the game and were given Blue Jays jerseys to walk around in, which gave them something in common with the Toronto lineup when Frank Thomas is resting.
Beckham has been spending so much time with his new teammates that he knows most everything about them, except, perhaps, what kind of soccer players they are.
It's supposed to be another 10 days or so until Beckham's sore left ankle is fit enough for him to start bending the ball like himself. And his L.A. teammates seem cool with that, for two reasons:
First is the one they'll never admit: that the longer Beckham sits, the longer they'll be able to get away with impersonating professional soccer players. A lot of neophyte fans who don't get Fox Soccer Channel may think Major League Soccer is as good as it gets, when, in fact, Beckham, the great Pele, Franz Beckenbauer and Diego Maradona could probably beat Real Salt Lake all by their lonesomes. Today.
Pele's 67 and der Kaiser is 61 and Maradona weighs about 300 pounds after eating and drinking half of Argentina. But have you seen Salt Lake's midfield since Freddy Adu bolted for Portugal?
The second reason Galaxy players don't mind Beckham lingering on the 55-day disabled list is that he's really hurt.
"I know when he got here (his ankle) was like a balloon, and you kind of looked at it and went, 'Is he going to play on that?' " said Landon Donovan, the closest thing the Galaxy had to a star until Beckham arrived from England (via Real Madrid, his most recent club team) with as much fanfare as the Rolling Stones, Harry Potter and fish and chips.
But I still think his ankle is a thinly swollen disguise to prevent Beckham from bending it like himself for as long as possible. Because just as soon as he starts playing, the novelty of watching him dissect defenses with his pinpoint passes will begin wearing off.
While those who gather to watch soccer at the Crown and Anchor pub appreciate the subtle way Beckham dominates a game, soccer midfielders generally don't score a lot of goals. Generally, they set them up.
To wit, in 265 games with Manchester United, Beckham scored a grand total of 62 goals. In 116 games at Real Madrid, he scored 13 .
Put another way, Beckham had just one more goal in Spain than he has tattoos, and unless he can punch like Mike Tyson or blow the roof off the place like Motley Crue, average American sports fans will soon tire of him, because average American sports fans generally do not pay good money to watch somebody pass the ball. Unless it's Peyton Manning or, for you old-timers, Bob Cousy.
So if you do not watch soccer at the Crown and Anchor pub and do not know a 4-4-2 formation from a 442 Oldsmobile, you most likely are expecting Beckham to score goals in bunches in L.A. Like Wayne Gretzky did.
Gretzky has a showbiz wife, too - if you can call Janet Jones' acting in "The Flamingo Kid" and "American Anthem" showbiz. Gretzky also scored 894 goals. Yeah, I know, he also had 1,963 assists. But he didn't get to host "Saturday Night Live" because he passed the puck to an open teammate.
That's why the Galaxy and MLS should continue to perpetuate this myth that they actually signed Beckham to play soccer.
Because if that ever happens, it just might wind up spoiling a good thing.
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