Friday, Dec. 29, 2006 | 7:24 a.m.
Oh Rapid Roy that stock car boy, he too much to believe You know he always got an extra pack of cigarettes rolled up in his T-shirt sleeve ... "Rapid Roy (the Stock Car Boy)" by Jim Croce
If Jim Croce were still alive he would be amazed to learn that his pal Rapid Roy would be in violation of a new Las Vegas Motor Speedway policy that will go into effect March 9-11, 2007, better known around these parts as NASCAR Weekend.
For the first time since the speedway put out the welcome mat for the real-life Rapid Roys of NASCAR, the tens of thousands who come to see them light up the track won't be able to light up in the grandstands.
Unless Tony Stewart, whose nickname is "Smoke," decides to watch from the other side of the catch fence, the massive grandstands will be smoke free this year.
Yeah, and pigs will fly and somebody named LeRoy will cheer for the Busch brothers.
But I swear on a king-sized bag of pork rinds and a cold six-pack of Bud tall boys that it's true.
If you don't believe it, go to the speedway's Web site, click on "Visitors Guide," click again on "FAQ" and click one last time on "Prohibited Items."
Then read down the page, past Umbrellas, Coolers, Illegal Drugs, Fires, Grills, Fireworks, Weapons of Any Description, Folding Chairs, Glass Containers, Pets, Scaffolds, Noise Makers, Horns, Helium Balloons, Beach Balls and Dale Earnhardt Jr. Drinks Wine Coolers Bumper Stickers on the list of 200-mph contraband.
"NEW POLICY FOR 2007," reads the bold print. "LVMS officials have decided to make the superspeedway's grandstands smoke free for the 2007 NASCAR Weekend. In addition, the seating areas at The Strip for both NHRA POWERade Drag Racing events will be smoke free as well. Speedway officials cited the U.S. surgeon general's report in June about the dangers of secondhand smoke as one of the reasons for this new policy. Smokers will be allowed to smoke on the concourse level." (That's right, you can smoke in the place where they serve the food.)
As comedian Jeff Foxworthy might put it, "If you are detained by the authorities for firing up a Camel in the grandstands during a caution flag at Las Vegas Motor Speedway ... you might be a redneck."
You might be upset, too, if you don't do all that clicking on the Internets, or whatever President Bush, the country's biggest NASCAR dad, calls it, and you and about 40,000 of your closest friends were planning on turning the Dale Earnhardt Terrace into the world's largest humidor.
Maybe, as the president says, we're not going to have a draft. But we are going to have smoke-free grandstands at LVMS, even if you don't read the bold print on the Internet.
That's why the speedway sent a letter to the tens of thousands who decided to renew their tickets, anyway. The reaction from the e-mail database was spectacular indifference.
"I think we got about 10 e-mails," said Jeff Motley, speedway director of public relations. "Seven said we were great guys and three said 'I can't believe you're doing this.' "
Actually, Las Vegas Motor Speedway isn't the first NASCAR track doing this. California Speedway and Infineon Raceway, also in California, home of NASCAR's most liberal fans, were the first two. But if I were a betting man, I'd wager a carton of Kools and the nest egg in the surgeon general's 401(k) that Lowe's Motor Speedway in Charlotte won't be joining the smoke-free ranks anytime soon.
But who knew that when Nextel replaced R.J. Reynolds tobacco as title sponsor of the series a few years back that the Winston Cup would wind up being used as an ash tray by fans entering the track?
Certainly not Rapid Roy, that stock car boy.
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