Monday, Aug. 8, 2005 | 8:18 a.m.
It's not hard to figure out when school is about to start.
First, classes always seem to begin just about the same time we figure out which 15 mph speed limit zones are for nine-month schools, and therefore can avoid slowing down and the near-miss rear-end collision with the woman yapping on the phone in the Urban Assault Vehicle behind us.
Of course, during the school year that same woman will be speeding through the 15 mph zones for a different reason. She'll blow past the crossing guards of one school because her kid is late for another. Honestly, the roads around schools are the scarier than the Beltway at rush hour.
But the next sign that school is about to open is every available inch of aisle space in grocery and discount stores is stuffed with supplies.
In addition to the packages of pens and pencils, boxes of crayons, bottles of glue and piles of notebooks, there are myriad electronic gadgets pupils apparently need and plastic receptacles to keep it all in. (As if any of them will enable kids to locate a single new pencil three weeks after the school year begins.)
There also is a fair amount of stuff I don't understand, such as oriental-style area rugs. Presumably, these are for the college-bound students who will -- trust me on this -- toss out anything Mom bought new and instead use stuff she and her roommate procured from Goodwill.
Finally, there is luggage. Back in the Stone Age, we didn't use backpacks until we got to college, and that was only because it was the best way to carry books and a Sony Walkman at the same time.
Hold your laughter until I mention that it played cassette tapes. (My car in high school had an eight-track tape player, and no, it wasn't a Model T.)
But recent studies have shown that backpacks should no longer be the book-toting method of choice because the loads have become so heavy our kids are stooped over like octogenarians by the time they're in sixth grade.
So now they have rolling bags akin to the ones their parents take on airplanes for business trips. This alone is probably one of the main reasons kids can't ride their bikes or walk to school anymore. They have to pull half a locker's worth of stuff home every night.
Of course, they probably wouldn't have to carry as much home if they spent more time studying in school and less time dealing with proficiency exams, anti-drug programs, leadership and peer counseling programs, citizenship activities and all the other stuff we shifted from home to school. In exchange, they do the school work at home.
Once they've chosen this year's set of luggage, it's time to choose the year's notebook motif.
Strawberry Shortcake or Hello Kitty? Spider-Man or Star Wars? SpongeBob or the Simpsons?
Remember when the choices were red, blue, green or black? Whoopee.
The only way a notebook looked hip was if you decorated it yourself. My friend Cheryl once decided to make a collage out of my art history notebook by smooshing mustard between the pages. She added ketchup on Tuesday, a pickle slice Wednesday, a bun Thursday and on Friday, the hot dog.
Then I had to tote the thing home under my arm to study.
A rolling bag would've been a gift from heaven.
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