Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 | 8:23 a.m.
Seeing as how September is half over, it's almost too late to talk about Halloween.
If I waited until it was actually October all the spooky stuff would be on the clearance shelves and the Christmas season already would have started. And some stores already have Christmas stuff on display. I am beginning to wonder why they even put it away.
Of course, we're discussing what we can buy for Halloween because this is America. And in America holidays mean buying stuff. Shoot, in America waking up with a pulse means buying stuff.
We have television commercials that market pull-up diapers to 2-year-olds rather than to their parents. These spots are obviously trying to attract the attention of the tots, who will then recognize the package in the store, where they point and holler from the shopping cart.
So, as capitalism's success or failure relies more and more on marketing products to beings not able to actually hold jobs, obtain credit or carry wallets, it seems only reasonable that the hysteria of finding the perfect Halloween costume has extended to the American pet.
Ye gods.
Let me admit right here that during a weak moment at Smith's last week I purchased a pumpkin hat for The Cat.
"I should buy a video camera for this," The Other said when I unveiled the purchase.
See? Capitalism works.
But Halloween costumes for cats do not. The Cat, I have discovered, has retractable ears. And they are somehow connected to his claws, because the farther back and flatter the ears become, the more prominent the claws become.
An amazing animal. I must read up on this phenomenon after my hands heal.
Dogs are much better at this sort of consumerism. Most Halloween costumes on the market are designed for dogs and modeled by dogs.
For example, the Web site for Doctors Foster & Smith, a pet products company created by two veterinarians, has 15 Halloween costumes for dogs.
The Rambark includes dog tags (of the military variety), a camouflage-print hat and suit complete with "pretend doggie arms for a military salute."
"Pretend" doggie arms?
As if there are other kinds?
Oh, but evidently there are. The cowboy and cowgirl doggie costumes come equipped with "realistic arms."
Realistic, except for the fact that they are human arms hanging off a dog.
But dog owners don't have to hook up with some exclusive catalog or Web site to obtain costumes. Most drug, discount and grocery stores that carry costumes for kids carry costumes for dogs.
Now we're talkin' creepy.
While Doctors Foster & Smith offer 15 Halloween costumes for dogs, they have none for cats. See? Even vets know it's futile.
The best way to celebrate Halloween with a cat requires only a mask, a bowl and a can of tuna.
Don the mask. Open the can. Dump contents in the bowl. Place bowl on the floor. Walk away.
My dilemma now is what I'm going to do with the cat-sized elf costume packed away in the closet.
I'm thinkin' those elf booties aren't going to work.
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