Friday, July 11, 2003 | 9:31 a.m.
Dean Juipe's column appears Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. His boxing notebook appears Thursday. Reach him at [email protected] or (702) 259-4084.
It is, without question, one of the most hilarious video clips in the history of sports.
No doubt you've seen it yourself in the past couple of days and laughed at the madcap folly. Four fans, dressed as oversized meat products, in a foot race around the perimeter of the field inside Milwaukee's Miller Park.
The stunt is a common occurrence at the ballpark between the sixth and seventh innings on game days and it has to draw chuckles on a regular basis. After all, how could a race between giant Polish and Italian sausages and a bratwurst and a hot dog be anything but a side splitter?
But the usual playful nature of the contest was interrupted Wednesday night when Randall Simon, a first baseman with the Pittsburgh Pirates, defied etiquette and common sense by swinging a baseball bat at the Italian sausage as it and its three cohorts waddled past the Pirates' dugout.
An 18-year old woman, identified thus far only as Mandy, was struck in the back by Simon's bat and, top-heavy as she was in the enlarged get up, tumbled into the hot dog, causing a meaty collision that sent both to the ground. Amazingly, the contestants paused only long enough to help one another regain their balance, after which they raced on.
The sequence remains uproariously amusing only in that neither of the costumed characters was seriously hurt.
Looks of horror overtook Simon's teammates in the dugout. They and 22,490 others had witnessed an assault that not only wasn't provoked, it was absurdly unexpected.
Simon, 28, was arrested following the game and taken to police headquarters. He was cited by the sheriff's department for disorderly conduct, fined $423 and given a Sept. 3 hearing date.
The penalties would have been far greater had Mandy or her hot-dog pal, a 21-year-old woman named Veronica, been grievously hurt or willing to press charges. They got off with scraped knees and Simon got off with what amounts to a token reprimand.
But baseball commissioner Bud Selig shouldn't be amused: He should relish his role and suspend Simon for the remainder of the season.
Simon didn't play Thursday as the Pirates won 5-4 in the series finale, but, if he is allowed to remain in uniform, he can look forward to an endless succession of creative catcalls and boos from fans in every city the team will visit.
Everyone will check their schedules to see when the Buc stops here.
And who won't be able to resist calling Simon a "weiner" if given the opportunity?
Selig, who is notoriously wishy-washy, said he is reviewing the matter and has issued a statement. "Obviously, the type of behavior exhibited by Mr. Simon is anathema to the family entertainment that we are trying to provide in our ballparks and is wholly unacceptable," it said.
He would be within his rights to suspend Simon, a major leaguer since 1997 who apologized for his bizarre conduct a day after the damage was done.
"I'm a fun player and I've never hurt anyone in my life," the Sausage Assailer tried to explain.
But there's a price to be paid for putting a little too much mustard on the dog, especially if the wielder is a jerk -- or a jerky.
Simon sez he's sorry. On behalf of tube steaks everywhere, Selig should say that's not good enough.
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