Thursday, April 18, 2002 | 8:31 a.m.
In 1994, at age 21, she married the man she thought was her soul mate in an elaborate Las Vegas wedding that cost upward of $10,000.
She was sure they'd be happy, that they'd be together forever. "I always thought I'd be married one time and that was it," Neal, now 28, says, "and I'm sad to say that didn't happen."
After less than a year, she left her husband.
"It was about six months into (the marriage), I was like, 'Oh my god, what did I do?' ... I woke up one morning and decided that was it."
The couple's divorce became final nearly a year later.
"I actually think had somebody, the day of my wedding, told me, 'If you don't want to (get married), don't,' I wouldn't have," said Neal, who works at a Las Vegas casino. "But I felt so much pressure" to go forward with the wedding. "I thought I had cold feet or whatever, because you always hear that."
Neal is among many young adults nationwide who have found themselves leaving (or being left by) a spouse in what have been dubbed "starter marriages."
The definition of a starter marriage, according to Pamela Paul, author of the recently published book "The Starter Marriage and the Future of matrimony" (Random House $24.95), is "a marriage that generally last five years or less and ends before children begin." Husband and wife are typically in their 20s or early 30s.
Don't let the name fool you. Unlike a "starter home," where buyers expect to deal with sizeable maintenance problems and improvement projects before moving on to a bigger and better abode, "Nobody goes into a starter marriage thinking they're going to get out and upgrade" to a better marriage someday, Paul said in an interview for randomhouse.com.
Similar to a starter home, however, where homeowners know what potentially sticky issues to look for with their next dwelling, "When you leave a starter marriage, you learn powerful lessons about what to look for and what to avoid the next time."
Even if you don't personally know someone who has been in a starter marriage, it was hard to avoid the publicity surrounding the short-lived unions of such celebrities as Julia Roberts and crooner Lyle Lovett and, most recently, Drew Barrymore and Tom Green (it was her second marriage, his first).
Jennifer Lopez, Uma Thurman and Angelina Jolie were also involved in what could be called starter marriages. (All have since wed again.)
In researching her book, Paul, who is also an editor at American Demographics magazine, interviewed 60 veterans of starter marriages from around the country, all of whom were members of Generation X, between the ages of 24 and 36.
Negative connotation?
The term "starter marriage" has its critics -- Paul among them.
"It can sound really flighty and superficial, and the reality is it's a marriage just like any other," she says.
"Nobody thinks they're gonna have a starter marriage ... No one expects it to happen to them."
Rutgers University sociologist David Popenoe is co- director of the National Marriage Project (which offers research, analysis and education about the "devastating consequences" of the decline of the institution of marriage).
He was quoted this year in a USA Today article as saying the label "establishes marriage as a low-commitment relationship, and that is exactly what most people do not want."
Las Vegas marriage and family therapist Alexa Elkington calls the term "trendy," as it indicates behavior in which young people might engage, and also because, as defined, starter marriages are nothing new.
"I think it just puts a name to something that's happening in our culture," Elkington says. "I don't think people consciously go into a marriage thinking if it doesn't work, we'll get divorced."
Paul, 30, is a starter-marriage survivor. She wed at 27 and divorced the following year. In the wake of her marriage's demise, she attempted a fruitless search about the issues surrounding young divorce.
"Everything that was out there was about the effects of divorce on society and ... on children and alimony payments and split families and things that really don't apply to someone who's 28 and divorced without kids," Paul explained recently in a phone interview from her New York home.
"And yet (divorce is) such a traumatizing experience and really raises all these questions."
Questions that, ideally, should have been popped before the all-important "Will you marry me?" was uttered.
"It's really remarkable to me that so many people don't ask themselves basic questions not only about their day-to-day life, but about their long-term goals, and really make sure they're making the right decision," Paul says.
Causes for concern
Several factors, which Paul addresses in her book, are being pointed to as the reason for the breakdowns of starter marriages.
That Gen Xers are the children of a generation of divorced parents has not gone unnoticed.
"I think that it's very easy to say that divorce breeds divorce, but I don't think that's necessarily true," Paul says.
"Our generation looks at the (Baby) Boomers' divorce rate and says, 'This isn't gonna happen to us; our generation will be different; we'll be the ones to make marriage work.' "
Elkington says that while the absence of children in starter marriages removes the "guilt factor" typically associated with divorce, "The fact is these people do know that divorce isn't the end of the world, and that it is more socially acceptable certainly is going to affect their decision."
Paul, whose own parents are divorced, says it is "extremely painful" to have to explain to divorced parents why their child's marriage has failed.
"I think divorced parents feel so guilty that they didn't properly teach their children what the institution of marriage was, what marriage required," she says.
What was a common factor among Paul's interview subjects -- those from divorced and intact families -- "was that their parents gave them really no guidance or advice about marriage."
The nation's idea of a "disposable society" also comes into play with starter marriages.
"I think that we have things move so fast nowadays, that sort of instant-gratification mentality is not only something we've become accustomed to, but it's something that is expected," Paul says.
"The reality is ... marriage moves as slowly and unpredictably and strangely as life itself, with all of its attendant ups and downs."
Elkington says of society's role, "We have this value that says, 'You deserve to be happy, and you are the person who will make you happy. So if your (spousal) choice isn't right ... after four or five years, then leave it and make a different choice someplace else.' I think that is behind many of these (starter) marriages."
Another factor -- hinted at by Neal's situation, with her expensive wedding -- is what Paul calls the nation's obsession with a "matramania culture," which has been gaining momentum since the 1990s.
"There's been a lot of focus on the wedding day and on the whole sort of wedding industry, and I think that we haven't really looked at what happens once you waltz past the altar."
Elkington agrees. "We build up for it -- from the homecomings (dances in high school) to the proms to, ultimately, the wedding party ... Maybe more thought is put into the wedding party than is put into the marriage."
The finger has also been pointed at premarital cohabitation as a cause of the failed marriages. Paul calls it "a really gray area."
While she commends young couples for attempting to answer questions about each other by sharing living quarters prior to marrying, the situation may not be ideal, as the parties may expect married life to be the same as it was prior to saying "I do."
"I think that people sometimes tend to model their marriages on the notion of living together, and they think before they get married it will kind of be the same thing. The reality is, it's not."
On the other hand, of Paul's interview subjects, "Often the people who thought it was going to be a continuation of the same thing felt disappointed after they got married because they felt like nothing changed."
Neal says if she had it to do over again, she would certainly choose live with a potential spouse prior to tying the knot.
Had she resided with her ex-husband for even a few months before they wed, "I would have seen a lot of (his personality traits) that I didn't by just dating him," she said.
Largely, though, Paul says the jury is still out on whether cohabitation actually increases the chances of a married couple divorcing, as has been reported.
Studies of couples in the '70s and '80s are not reliable, she contends, since "that earlier population may not have been as inclined toward a traditional institution like marriage."
Therefore, she says, "I think we have yet to see the effects of cohabitation among Gen-Xers, what it's impact will be on divorce rates."
Meanwhile today's young people may be striving for the solid relationships similar to those of their long-wed grandparents.
"I think this generation certainly doesn't want to emulate the traditional (male and female) role models that were the hallmark of our grandparents' marriage," Paul says, "but we do have the idea of marriage being forever (and) commitment being a very serious thing."
Moving forward
Interestingly, not one of Paul's interview subjects regretted their decision to divorce.
"Many felt it was the best decision they had ever made, and people often felt it had been a brave thing to do," she says, " ... to let this (other) person out of a relationship that they felt was destructive or wasn't going to be right for them or wouldn't last a lifetime, and therefore should be ended before it hurt that person more or limited their chances for future happiness."
Count Neal among those. She has no regrets about her divorce from an unemployed husband who she says was "possessive" and "paranoid."
"It was the best thing I could have done for myself," she says, explaining that she celebrates annually the day she left her spouse by hanging out with female friends.
She also counsels friends who are brides- and grooms-to-be to think long and hard before taking the plunge.
"I try not to preach, but I tell them, 'If you can wait, wait.' Because the way I thought about (marriage) when I was 21 and how I think about it now is totally different.
"I think when you're 21 or even 23 or 24, you think, 'I'm ready to settle down. It'll be cool -- we'll have a wedding, we'll buy a house.' I don't think you're grown up enough yet."
Still, the experience has not dissuaded Neal from the idea of marrying again.
"I tell everybody, 'I've had my rehearsal marriage. Now I'm ready for the real thing.' I've just gotta find the right person."
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