Friday, May 11, 2001 | 5:56 a.m.
Susan Snyder's column also appears Tuesdays and Fridays in the Las Vegas Sun. Reach her at [email protected] or 259-4082.
My mother hates Mother's Day.
Granted, this is a touchy subject -- especially in these days of feminism backlash. "Doing it for the children" is no longer just a parental pledge that works. It's become a plank in a political platform that wins.
The U.S. Census Bureau says we have about 35 million mommies across the country. And across the valley this morning thousands of them are accepting breakfasts in bed, baskets of bubble bath and handmade cards. In fact, we'll likely spend more than $200 million sending Mother's Day cards this year, census figures show.
In contrast, women in other local households will be yearning to celebrate this day as mothers, rather than daughters. This is a hard day for them.
And to both groups of women my own mother says take a step back. Mother's Day is not where your identity begins or ends.
My mom was born in 1925. For her, motherhood was a matter of "when" rather than "whether." She threw herself into the task, carting us to music lessons, dancing lessons, art lessons, dentist and doctor's appointments.
She taught us to read, led scout troops and school-band boosters. She even marched into our elementary school with a box of books under one arm, asked the principal for an empty classroom and told him she was starting a library.
She brought our classmates ice cream sandwiches on our birthdays. She made us go to cotillion. She taught me to sing "Puff the Magic Dragon," and hugged me every single day.
When Mother's Day rolled around, she always said she didn't want anything. Then she graciously accepted the sticky paper cards, watery perfume and dime-store jewelry. (After all, "There's no excuse for bad manners.")
But eight years ago when a couple of hefty decisions loomed large for me, Mom wrote a letter explaining why she really and truly disliked the Hallmockery of the second Sunday in May. She said:
"Motherhood is a biological phenomenon. From the moment the offspring arrive life becomes a race. Decisions, indecisions, trial and error, hurry up and wait, mads and glads -- it is just like any other job.
"Motherhood can be a rewarding way to spend 'the best years of your life.' But mostly it is a long scenario of fear and ignorance and trying to catch up on what you are 'supposed' to know. You suddenly discover that your offspring are just other adults, and you hope they stay in touch because they want to (like with the people on their Christmas card lists).
"Please let her enjoy her birthday, Christmas, Labor Day, the Fourth of July, a picnic, a reunion, a family dinner. Let her enjoy your friendship, but don't categorize her.
"However she did her 'motherhood' job, she is just another acquaintance. She is not 'Mother's Day.' She is an individual."
It's hard to think of our mothers as regular women who could have made other choices. Harder still is getting them to say what those choices would have been and learning that most, if not all, have an answer.
But it's amazing what you can learn -- not only about her, but about yourself.
My mom, as it turns out, wanted to be a newspaper reporter.
archive
