Friday, April 13, 2001 | 3:32 a.m.
Jason Smith was cheating on his wife.
Every time the phone rang at his home, he worried that it would be one of his mistresses. Every time he drove into his driveway, he feared he would see his wife and kids loading a moving truck, preparing to leave him.
"I was living in a web of lies," Smith, 41, said. "There were more than a few women. I was really paranoid. But the thing was, people thought of me as Mr. Integrity -- I went to church regularly. No one would think that I was the kind of person who would do that."
Two years later Smith, an insurance executive whose name has been changed in this article, stood in front of a congregation of more than 4,000 Christians and confessed: He was addicted to sex.
"I just couldn't stop," he said.
Sex addiction, chronic masturbation, uncontrollable consumption of pornography and solicitation of prostitution may be thought of as the sort of issues good Christians just don't have, much less discuss in a church group.
But some churches are changing their approach to "sexual misconduct."
Instead of issuing stern condemnation and pretending these behaviors pertain exclusively to heathens and not to church-goers, church leaders have begun to encourage members to talk about their deepest secrets.
"This is becoming the No. 1 issue in the Christian Church," said Don Miller, a counselor who leads sex-addiction recovery groups at Central Christian Church in Las Vegas.
Church leaders are discovering that there is a demand for help coping with sexual addictions -- obsessions that sometimes interfere with marriages, distract from careers and result in low self-esteem.
"But sex has always been a taboo subject in the church -- there was always a lot of shame in the church about sexual issues," Miller said. "Now we're focusing on the fact that Jesus said the church is for people who need healing, not just for perfect people."
Miller's recent seminar about sexual addiction spawned four recovery groups at Central Christian.
"I'd say 60 (percent) to 70 percent of Christian men suffer from sex addiction or sexual issues of some sort," Miller said. "And women suffer with it, too."
Problems vary. Some spend hours with pornography, hidden away from friends and family. Others pursue sex with multiple partners, increasing their risk of infection from sexually transmitted diseases and of ending their marriages. Still others are so consumed with sexual thoughts they are unable to concentrate on work.
"But it's difficult to stand up and say, 'I'm a sex addict and I need help' because people think you're a pervert or a child molester," Miller said. "The Bible has a lot to say about self-management and self-control, and in order to heal you need to feel safe in talking about it."
Compulsive behavior
Bob Andrews, a Las Vegan whose name has been changed, was on vacation with his wife and children last year when he realized his lifelong pornography habit had become a problem.
"I went out by myself and bought a magazine, and I masturbated seven or eight times in my vehicle, away from my family," he said. "I thought, 'I'm an addict. I felt physically exhausted. I realized I wasn't going to be able to fix the problem on my own."
His obsession with sexual thoughts also had begun to affect his professional life, he said.
"I was undressing my (clients) in my mind. I had pretty females coming into the office -- a couple of exotic dancers once -- and my mind was not pure," he said. "It never went anywhere, but my mind was not pure. I was being taunted by sexual images."
Additionally, he was not emotionally available to his wife because he was constantly fantasizing about other women, he said.
Andrews tried secular counseling and a 12-step sexual-addiction program to regain control -- but initially steered clear of Christianity.
"I always thought Christianity was a fear-based religion," he said. "But nothing else was working."
Andrews went to Central Christian, heard Smith's testimony and sought help in a men's sexual-addiction recovery group.
"I learned that I was using sex to mask out emotional pain, and I learned that Jesus is there for that pain," Andrews said. "Jesus saved my life." Now when he is tempted by pornography or attractive women, he has a new coping tactic.
"I verbally cast out Satan and recite Scripture -- Psalms 51. It's my armor of God," Andrews said. "I must've said that thing a thousand times."
Group support
Sex addictions have come to the forefront in recent years, in part because of the availability of Internet pornography. Some estimate there are more than 1 million Internet porn sites, which means people don't have to leave their home and face the stigma of purchasing pornography or visiting sex shops.
Additionally, Las Vegas' well-advertised sex industries make it doubly difficult for recovering sex addicts to avoid exposure to sexual images.
The root of the problem, according to Bob Predmore, a Christian who leads sex-addiction recovery groups at Shadow Hills Baptist Church, is emotional pain.
"It is usually a person who is meeting his or her emotional needs with sex. They are dealing with some kind of hurt -- whether it was sex abuse as a child or some other emotional pain -- through sex," Predmore said. "Most of the time people are mistaking sex for love, and they never received enough love. So what the Bible gives us is a way to look at ourselves as God sees us, and not judge ourselves and understand love."
Donna Wilson was perusing a Shadow Hills church bulletin one morning when she saw the ad for a sex-addiction recovery group.
"I already knew I had a problem," Wilson, whose name has been changed, said. "I had been trying to work through it for years. But I wasn't getting any better, so I decided to go to the group."
Wilson, a middle-aged woman who had been divorced three times, couldn't seem to get enough sexual attention from men.
"I was promiscuous. I had been sexually abused when I was a child, and I was mistaking sex for love," she said. "If I didn't get what I needed at home, I would seek it outside the home."
But it wasn't until she timidly ventured into a church conference room one night that she was able to fully understand her addiction.
"The first time, about 15 women showed up," she said about the confidential, gender-specific group. "The mood was very solemn, very intense. You didn't see anyone skipping in there with their friends saying 'We've got sexual addictions.' "
Once the women started sharing their stories, Wilson said a weight was lifted from her shoulders. "You don't know that anyone else has had the same experiences, has been there, until you hear another woman tell the story," she said.
The group was a Bible-based recovery group, and the women learned to forgive themselves and realize that they weren't "the worst person in the world ...
"I couldn't have done it without my faith. God had a big hand in this for me. The Holy Spirit cleans you. The Holy Spirit facilitated my healing. I couldn't have done it without this group," Wilson said.
Predmore said the groups must not only be divided -- men and women meet separately -- but must also be discreet. "There is much fear. The anxiety level about coming to the group the first time is very high. It is looked upon as a social and moral defect rather than an illness. So unlike other support programs the church has, we don't tell the time and place of the meeting in the church bulletin -- we have them call to find out. And we don't put a big sign on the door."
Still, some people are too intimidated to attend until something goes wrong in their lives, Predmore said.
"A lot of times we get people who have been 'discovered,' if you will," Predmore said. "But sometimes they'll be relieved in addition to embarrassed, because the lying is over."
Good news?
Rob Weiss, a secular counselor at the Los Angeles Sexual Recovery Institute and author of an upcoming book on cybersex, says that faith-based sexual recovery can be a good thing, but shouldn't exclude clinical care.
"It is wonderful that religious communities are aware that this is a problem, rather than shaming them (sexual addicts) or ignoring them," Weiss said. "Whatever helps people (is good.) If they find help in a brotherhood, then thank God, or thank whomever.
"On the other hand, this is a clinical issue, and some people have more serious issues than just sexual acting out. Sometimes it's not just a matter of getting right with God. Sometimes people have mental health issues that need to be addressed," Weiss said.
For example, he said, if a sex addict merely replaces sexual addiction with addiction to reading the Bible, "it's certainly less destructive, and that's good ... But if that person has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, he might benefit more by being treated clinically."
Additionally, Weiss said, some people may become more discouraged if they think "prayer doesn't work" for them.
But Weiss agrees with Predmore and Miller that progress between the once polar extremes of secular counseling and faith-based counseling is being made.
"Is the church doing enough to help sex addicts? My answer is no, absolutely not. Not yet," Miller said.
"If they did a survey of church-goers about what issue is plaguing them most, and then gave a commensurate amount of funds and support to address that issue, they would all end up having to hire special pastors for sex-addiction ministries.
"But at least they've started dealing with it," Miller said.
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