Thursday, April 30, 1998 | 9:41 a.m.
AH, THE JOYS of Springer: When a young viewer's fancy turns to thoughts of hermaphrodites, transsexuals, cross-dressers, 300-pound strippers, intra-family dating, slapping, biting, kicking, punching, gouging and general hysteria.
Can you imagine anyone being offended by any of the above?
Well, such is the situation with The Circus Freak Show Du Jour, "The Jerry Springer Show." It's hosted by the ex-mayor of Cincinnati (ironically, the same puritanical place that has replaced Boston in the phrase "Banned in ..."), a politician-turned-pop culture panderer (insert your own joke here). Haven't heard about Springer's surge and the resulting we're-all-going-to-hell-in-a-hand-basket howls? Let's recap:
Springer, critics scream, fakes his famed flying fisticuffs between guests -- usually after some guy named Bubba boasts that he's done the mattress mambo with some other Bubba's Bubbette; Springer, they wail, fouls the airwaves with his never-ending quest to find the basement of human behavior -- and dig a tunnel under it;
Robert Iger, ABC's Chief Muckety-Muck, blasts Springer's sleaze 'n' slug fest as an "embarrassment" to an industry that has embraced Howard Stern, turned "Beavis & Butt-head" into cultural icons and elevated "South Park's" crudely-drawn, potty-mouthed tykes to pop culture demigods;
Springer's "Too Hot For TV" tape is sleaze squared, the most tasteless tripe flushed into the video market since Stern's "Butt Bongo Fiesta" -- and the fastest-selling; Springer's contract with Chicago's WMAQ -- which houses the studio where "Springer" is taped -- is terminated, but the show is rescued by rival WFLD, which will pollute its schedule with it twice daily, proving that no good deed goes unpunished;
Springer rates coverage by USA Today, Rolling Stone magazine and "Dateline NBC" and tells the Associated Press that "we have no obligation to make the show truthful, because it's entertainment, not news," thereby clearing up that pesky problem of mistaken identity with Dan Rather;
Ex-Education Secretary Bill Bennett and Sen. Joe Lieberman plead with broadcasters to adopt an industry code that will keep the Jerry Springers of the world where they belong -- under a rock; Springer tops the Almighty Oprah in the Almighty Ratings -- someone tell Nero to tune up that fiddle.
Jerry Springer: The End of Western Civilization.
What's new here, folks? What's true now that wasn't true during the lowlife high times of Geraldo and Sally and Jenny and Maury and Montel and Morton and Ricki and Rolanda and Charles Perez and Richard Bey? What's so much worse than Perez's alleged fabricated stories? Or Bey basting his guests in paint and glop? Or Geraldo getting clocked and nursing his neo-Nazi-busted beak? Or Morton Downey Jr. whipping his neo-Nazi-ish audience of Neanderthals into frenzies against intimidated, defenseless guests-cum-lambs for slaughter?
Or Jenny Jones setting the stage for murder?
Maybe you know, but I sure don't. In fact, remembering the talk show scene barely a year ago -- a scenario that writer Paddy Chayefsky, if he were still breathing, couldn't invent in a dozen sequels to "Network" -- I'm rather relieved by today's comparatively tame talk game. Is this an endorsement of Springer's shtick? Please. He's sleaze -- period. And that's a characterization -- of his show, anyway -- with which even he has publicly agreed.
Last year, the same high-pitched howling was hurled at the lot of these louts, who have, if certainly not eliminated their excesses, then toned them down across the board. That created a gaping marketplace vacuum for outrageousness that Springer -- a first-rate opportunist with old-fashioned capitalist (i.e., American) instincts -- leapt to fill. With a full-throttle freak fest.
Another tawdry TV invention? Hardly. People have been frequenting freak shows to gape at human oddities under circus tents for centuries, long before TV flickered to life. If we've gone from gawking at physical oddities (the bearded lady) to emotional oddities (the I'm-having-my-brother-in-law's- baby lady), what's the real difference?
My only real complaint is Springer's afternoon time slots in most markets: This is late-late-night fare -- although in the VCR age, when anything can be seen at any time, it's almost moot. Parents, kick into supervisory -- and, if necessary, censorship -- mode.
You can detest this, but you can't deny it: Whether faked or real (as if it really matters; this isn't breaking news from the Bosnian front lines), there will always be an insatiable human appetite for this dreck. Thankfully, now there's only one genuine place to feed it, instead of a couple dozen.
P.T. Barnum observed that "there's a sucker born every minute." Jerry Springer simply put remotes in their hands.
THIS & THAT: Public radio station KNPR 89.5-FM will move into its new $4.5 million digs -- they prefer to call it the Donald W. Reynolds Broadcast Center -- on May 8. At 1289 Torrey Pines Drive., it's 15,000 square feet and includes administrative offices, production studios, a recording studio and student teaching facilities. Staffers expect the move to happen with a minimum of fuss, predicting a 10-to-20 minute on-air interruption early on moving day morn, as old equipment in the Boulder Highway station is turned off and new equipment is powered up. ...
KXNT-AM talk show host Dominick Brascia, who doubles as a filmmaker, will hold a screening of his new film, "Steven & the Troll," on Wednesday, in search of new investors. Brascia's film is about a group of friends, and what happens when one of them announces he is gay. Brascia needs money to complete post-production. For information and an invitation to the screening, call 440-1614. ... The Buzard Eye Institute and Refractive Laser Center will host a program about vision correction at noon Sunday on Channel 33. ... Jeanne Cooper ("The Young and the Restless") and Gina Tognoni ("One Life to Live") have lathered up to join the roster for SoapExpo Las Vegas '98 in June.
CROON A TUNE: Reader Phil O'Leary doesn't Monkee around with his opinions. "They were almost as bad as 'The Banana Splits,' which were on Saturday morning, about the same time," our Phil says about "The Monkees," the series that, he correctly noted, featured the theme lyrics "We're just tryin' to be friendly, come and watch us sing and play; we're the young generation, and we've got somethin' to say."
"The Monkees" did, in fact, have a run of reruns on Saturday mornings on CBS from 1969-73, following a prime-time stint on NBC from '66-'68. Clearly, Phil's a believer -- hey, hey.
Next? What sitcom theme juxtaposed the series title with the singing of the seven days of the week? As always, be the first to amuse and amaze us with your astounding acumen for the arcane -- via phone or e-mail -- and your guile will land you in Dial File, the Ultimate Arbiter of Arcane Acumen. Please spell your name and leave a daytime phone number.
And, while you're leaving numbers, why not also leave the numbers for your bank accounts, credit cards, personal safe combinations ...
AD IT UP: A new survey confirms what most of us never needed a survey to confirm: Prime-time network shows are more crammed with commercials than ever before. The survey, courtesy of the American Association of Advertising Agencies and the Association of National Advertisers, declares that "nonprogramming time" -- commercials and network promotions -- has increased a stunning 33 percent since 1989.
This could alter the entire language of television:
And now, a word from our sitcom ...
"You're Not Fully Clean Until You're ZEST-fully Clean" will return in a moment.
"Frito-Lay." Sponsored by Seinfeld.
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