Thursday, April 9, 1998 | 8:48 a.m.
CABLE IS able. And networks are nervous.
How nervous? Well, last month marked a first as the Grand Exalted Pooh-bahs of NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox quietly met to try to, as Electronic Media magazine put it: "squelch their own infighting and form a unified front against cable," which has, collectively, "sliced off a sizable chunk of the broadcast audience."
Politics may make strange bedfellows, but TV's got 'em beat.
The fear is real. On the ratings side, cable's constant whittling of the networks' numbers has been well-documented. What should really frighten the nets, however, is the high quality quotient. After weathering years of withering criticism about how the promise of cable has been frittered away -- nothing but hand-me-down network reruns and lame copycat series! -- cable is causing enough network heartburn to warrant a tub of Tums.
HBO's phenomenal knack for high-toned TV movies -- so high-toned that cinema snobs Siskel & Ebert even deigned to review a few of them on their show, an honor never bestowed on such network offerings as Tori Spelling's "Mother May I Sleep With Danger?" -- is a fact of life now. So are their superior series, such as "The Larry Sanders Show," "Dream On," "Dennis Miller Live" and "Oz." Their ascension from strictly CableAce winners to Emmy dominators has been breathtaking. Their latest endeavor, Tom Hanks' "From the Earth to the Moon" miniseries, is the talk of the tube, besting the four networks for its premiere last Sunday among homes with HBO.
Ditto for Ted Turner's TNT, which single-handedly brought back biblical epics in its original movie slate, as well as historical tales ("Gettysburg," "Andersonville") and pedigreed works from the likes of Arthur Miller and other playwrights. But even former schlockmeisters such as the USA Network -- longtime home of cheesy, B-grade original "thrillers" -- attracted the likes of Patrick Stewart for the mesmerizing "Moby Dick."
And a whale of a performance it was, with "Moby" capturing rich ratings by cable standards -- nearly 6 million households per night -- that EM described as "a harpoon in the side of broadcasters." One night of "Moby" beat out ABC in the coveted 18-to-49 viewer demographic.
Cable's continued focus on quality material is also yielding A&E's "Tom Jones," based on the 18th century novel; HBO's "A Bright Shining Lie," from the 1988 Pulitzer Prize-winning novel about the Vietnam War; and USA's "Huckleberry Finn." And don't doubt their financial commitment: "Moby" ate up $25 million and Hanks' "Moon"-shot lifted off on an astronomical $68 million budget. For programming last year, cable networks shelled out approximately $4 billion -- billion -- half of which was lavished on original productions.
True, the broadcast networks, with their still-superior reach, are still kings -- and have even fed the success of cable (where would "classic channels" Nick-at-Nite and TVLand be without the networks?). And the hoo-ha over the "Seinfeld" finale and "Ellen's" same sex self-discovery wouldn't have nearly the same national impact on cable.
Still, the networks' new embrace-thy-enemy mantra isn't just amusing -- it's a must. Cable, though rife with individual competitors, has successfully spoken through one voice -- the National Cable Television Association -- persuasively promoting the industry as a true TV alternative. Broadcast bigwigs, meanwhile, have perfected the art of inter-industry sniping, as evidenced by little digs -- nasty enough to fuel an episode of "The Simpsons" -- between, among others, NBC honcho Warren Littlefield and CBS field general Leslie Moonves.
Hey, guys: Cool it. You have met the enemy -- and they are not you.
HELLO, BRO: Despite once being in love with the same network, Channel 21 and Channel 33 have cemented their brotherly bond. Thanks to an LMA -- Local Management Agreement -- Channel 21, in addition to managing their own station, will take over programming of Channel 33. They'll turn it into a "movie and sports outlet" -- including Arizona Diamondbacks baseball -- to complement their own slate of WB programming.
Channel 33, you'll recall, was in a torrid affair with the WB network as one of its affiliates only recently, before Channel 21's flirty owners, Sinclair Broadcast Group -- once in love with UPN as one of their affiliates -- betrayed that network's tender affections and lured that sexy hussy, the WB, away from Channel 33 for a steamy fling and proposal of marriage, leaving Channel 33 without a network to warm its lonely bed.
But, in the spirit of happy-ever-after endings, Channel 21 has adopted Channel 33 into the family, turning a spurned lover into a new relative -- think of them now as the WB's new brother-in-law. Meanwhile, newlyweds Channel 21 and the WB are whispering sweet ratings into each other's ear, while UPN is blind drunk in a Las Vegas bar, croaking "they're writing songs of love, but not for me ...
Ain't love grand? (By the way: If you want to get a wedding gift for the happy couple, we hear they're registered at Target).
CROON A TUNE: Henry Mancini was one of TV's (and the movies') jazziest, classiest composers, a fact strongly seconded by reader Kristin North. Kristin was the first to tell us that Mancini was the genius behind the classic themes (and pop hits) for TV shows about a suave private eye -- "Peter Gunn," of course -- and a rather colorful cartoon character by the name of "The Pink Panther." And Kristin oughtta know.
"He was wonderful," Kristin says. "He was just so nice to us." Kristin, a local violinist, performed with the late, great Mancini when he came to Las Vegas, and she played on both of the aforementioned themes. " 'Peter Gunn,' " she says, "was just so erotic." Hey, let's Gunn it back to your place, Krissy, baby.
Next? What theme song included the lyric "keep your eye on the sparrow, when the going gets narrow" -- and what late, longtime Las Vegas headliner sang it? Be the first little sparrow to chirp the correct answers in our ear -- via phone or e-mail -- and you'll have the narrow honor of finding your name embedded in Dial File ... sort of like a pebble that gets embedded in your shoe or a stringy piece of meat that gets embedded between your teeth.
Anyway, be sure that the spelling of your name and a daytime phone number are embedded in your message. ... Floss, anyone?
'PRACTICE' ON 'ALLY': Fox affiliates are vexed over a planned April 27 cross-over stunt between their own gal pal "Ally McBeal" (one of the season's only hits) and ABC's "The Practice" (one of the few shows gushed over by critics), both presided over by golden boy producer/Mr. Michelle Pfeiffer, David E. Kelley.
"Ally," you see, is a hit -- it has lots of viewers. "The Practice" isn't -- and doesn't. The solution, at least for Kelley? Since both shows center around lawyers, stretch a story over both, thus directing "Ally" eyeballs towards "The Practice."
Fox executives, of course, are in a bind of biblical proportions. They want to placate King David, the savior who delivered ratings unto them with Saint "Ally" so he will send forth more hit shows and lead them into the Promised Land of Nielsen, where boffo ratings fall from the sky like manna from heaven (Can I get an AMEN!).
Fox affiliates, however, are incensed that their hit show is being used as a promotional tool for the devil -- in other words, a series on another network -- and a 10 p.m. show at that, deflecting viewers away from competing local newscasts on some Fox stations (Blasphemy! Brothers and sisters, we must cast the demon out!)
Clearly a conundrum only Solomon could solve -- and irony only a mischievous deity could love: The formerly fledgling Fox -- the Devil Incarnate to some for its sometimes sleazy, puerile programming -- tossing a bone, even for self-serving reasons, to the once-lordly, now lowly ABC? At least Fox newcasts have their lead story for that night:
Join us tonight at 10. Our top story: Hell hath frozen over.
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