Thursday, April 2, 1998 | 9:18 a.m.
LET'S TAKE THE top down, ease it into drive, put the pedal to the metal, swing onto the on-ramp and cruise the TV freeway.
(No speeding. Buckle up. Always signal before you turn. Stay in your lane. No tailgating. GET OUTTA MY WAY! WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DRIVE!? STICK IT WHERE!? LOCK 'N' LOAD, PAL!!! ... Ahem ... Sorry):
EXIT 1 -- Jason Junction: A "Seinfeld" spinoff? For every "Cheers" that spins a "Frasier," there's a "M*A*S*H" that coughs up an "AfterMash" (almost forgot about that one, didn'ja?) Although the "Seinfeld" gang -- as a gang -- is gangbusters, my interest level in following any of these characters' lives individually is, to put it in "Seinfeld"-ian terms, about nothing. However, one actor, if there's any justice, should ignite the airwaves for years to come: Jason Alexander -- and not in a sitcom or a drama.
As discussed last week, I yearn for the return of variety shows, and Alexander is the dude to drag 'em back. A Tony winner for his New York work in "Jerome Robbins' Broadway" (and robbery victim for never winning an Emmy for "Seinfeld"), the incredibly versatile Alexander, a song-and-dance man at heart, has also given TV audiences glimpses of that talent during numerous award-show production numbers and his turn as the lead in ABC's remake of the musical "Bye-Bye Birdie."
Combine that much-needed musical factor with Alexander's obvious comedic skills, channeled into sketch comedy, surround him with a gaggle of adroit cut-ups, and you've got "Carol Burnett Redux." Jason, I'll be glad if we can spend that time together, just to have a laugh and sing a song.
EXIT 2 -- Sacred City: So, after the season's hottest controversy -- excepting, of course, whether "Ally McBeal's" skirts are too short (NO -- but hey, that's just me) -- the priest drama "Nothing Sacred" was sacrificed on the Altar of the Almighty God of Nielsens (that's Latin, I think, for "cancelled."). Meanwhile, other religious-themed series such as "Touched By an Angel" and "7th Heaven" roll blessedly along. Ever notice how those two shows squeeze thorny issues of faith into neat, solvable-in-one-hour packages, while "Nothing Sacred" refused to cram such complex issues as homosexuality, abortion and female priests into that formula? We obviously prefer reassurance over reality.
EXIT 3 -- Big Screen Boulevard: "Lost in Space" opens Friday at a theater near you. Still to grace movie marquees: "The Avengers," "The Mod Squad," "Rugrats," "My Favorite Martian," "I Dream of Jeannie," "The Love Boat," "S.W.A.T.," "Speed Racer," "The Jetsons," "Green Acres," "The Green Hornet," "Sanford and Son," "Fat Albert" and "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." Why not just charge $7 per night (bargain $4 matinees, discounts for seniors) to watch Nick-at-Nite and TVLand?
EXIT 4: -- Seinfeld Circle: Asked if he wanted his show's living room set to sit alongside Archie Bunker's chair and Fonzie's jacket at the Smithsonian, Jerry Seinfeld answered: "Screw the Smithsonian. I want to keep it for myself." Well, the show is about selfish, self-absorbed New Yorkers, isn't it? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
EXIT 5 -- Ratings Road: Parents complain that the new TV content ratings don't work. Do parents do anything about it? Well ... yes. The Internet site iVillage.com: the Women's Network, and its parenting channel, called Parent Soup, provides message boards for parents to share concerns about specific shows and scenes. If TV programmers, who ridiculously rate their own programs, can't be counted on to effectively flag inappropriate shows for kids (no surprise there), then this is the way to go. Parents: Go forth and ... parent.
EXIT 6 -- Cancellation Canyon: Looking back over the season, do any of these ring a bell: "Hiller & Diller," "Dellaventura," "Over the Top," "Timecop," "Union Square," "The Tony Danza Show," "Built to Last," "413 Hope St.," "Meego," "You Wish," "The Visitor," "Teen Angel," "Sleepwalkers," "Total Security," "C-16," "Four Corners," "Style & Substance," "Jenny" or "Ask Harriet"?
Let me rephrase that: Does this entire season ring a bell?
THIS & THAT: Las Vegas One, the new 24-hour news cable channel from the Las Vegas SUN, KLAS Channel 8 and Prime Cable, debuts at 12:01 a.m. Monday on Cable 1 and 39. Expect live, local broadcasts, with updates, weeknights at 9, 9:30 and 10, followed by rebroadcasts at 10:30. ... "Karaoke Krazy," the Las Vegas-based TV Show That Isn't -- Yet -- will resume taping Wednesday in the main showroom at the Debbie Reynolds hotel-casino. Seating's at 5 p.m., taping's at 6, admission is free. The show, says a spokesman, is close to a deal with Chicago superstation WGN to air there starting in late May, with additional deals possible with UPN and the WB. For more info, call 895-9315. ...
"The Las Vegas I Remember," a 10-part radio series featuring highlights of an oral history project commissioned by the Nevada Humanities Committee, Clark County Parks and Recreation and the Las Vegas Rotary Club, will air on KNPR 89.5-FM at 6:30 and 8:20 a.m. from April 20-May 1. The complete oral history series will be donated to area museums and archives. ... Illusionist Rick Thomas briefly trades in the Tropicana, his home base, for the Las Vegas Hilton, the taping site of TNN's variety show "The Oak Ridge Boys From Las Vegas," when he guests with the boys on the May 26 outing. ... "Fly on the Wall," a 30-minute show featuring UNLV students questioning experts on a variety of subjects, debuts at 6:30 p.m. Sunday on UNLV-TV, Cable 4.
CROON A TUNE: "Through early morning fog I see; visions of the things to be; the pains that are withheld for me; I realize and I can see; that suicide is painless; it brings on many changes; and I can take or leave it if I please."
Those calmly fatalistic lyrics -- sung in the movie theme, but not in the series' instrumental version -- are from "Suicide is Painless," the actual title of the "M*A*S*H" theme. Numerous calls poured into the Dial File hotline last week to ID that one, but reader Richard Massey gets the quick-on-the-trigger crown for nailing it first. Congrats, Richard. You win a hot date with Hot Lips Houlihan and Lt. Dish. ... Well, maybe not -- but it's a lovely thought, isn't it?
Just for curiosity's sake, here's another snippet of the "M*A*S*H" lyrics: "The sword of time will pierce our skin; it doesn't hurt when it begins; but as it works its way on in; the pain grows stronger, watch it grin; suicide is painless; it brings on many changes; and I can take or leave it if I please."
IS EVERYBODY HAPPY!?
Anyway ... next up: The late, great Henry Mancini composed numerous jazzy TV themes (not to mention movie themes). Which two -- both enduring pop hits -- accompanied series about a suave private detective and a rather colorful cartoon character? If you're the first to boogie on over to the phone or computer with the correct answers, we'll boogie-oogie-oogie with joy to put your name atop the Dial File Pile. As always, please provide the spelling of your name and a daytime phone number. Last week I also suggested that you send a signed, blank check.
I'm still WAITING.
SPRING(ER) FLING: Jerry Springer's Human Freak Show and Fisticuffs Festival masquerading as a TV show -- watch Billy Bob destroy the set and attack his wife, who has just revealed that she has a penis, on the next "Jerry Springer"! -- is causing much renewed hand-wringing among media critics these days.
The reason: Springer is now challenging Queen Oprah for the talk show ratings crown.
Trash TV, you say? Well, they probably won't call it that for long. There's an old saying in television that when ratings go high enough, sex and violence become "romance" and "adventure." Trash TV? Try "human complexities."
Now if you'll excuse me, I really must expel the contents of my digestive organ through my oral cavity.
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