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August 1, 2014

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Ice Ice Billy

Putting it all on red

A massive, 1,300-foot asteroid intersected the moon’s path of orbit of Earth, twice, as it passed by our world Tuesday, just in time for a six-ton U.S. satellite to fall from our sky late tonight or early Saturday.

As of Tuesday, the oddsmakers at NASA posted very few finite probabilities, but the one of most interest is the chance of any individual being hit by any one of the expected 26 fragments that will survive reentry. That probability is one in 7 trillion.

As part of applying for my privileged gaming license, I propose to paint a 2,500-square-mile roulette table in the desert, with a minimum bet on a single number of $1,000 at 3.5 trillion-to-one odds.

To generate action, one can bet the field — creatively marketed as “The Desert Bet” — for just $1,000,000. It pays one-trillion to one.

The “suicide” wager pays big. For a $500,000 minimum bet, the bettor actually sits in a lawn chair (provided) with a cooler of domestic beer (also provided) anywhere in his or her chosen numbered space. If physically hit by a piece of space junk, they win a 7-trillion-to-one payout.

This winner can receive the payments in a lump sum, less taxes and costs for a memorial service (provided), or choose an annual payment over the next 20 years.

Just to move the odds to favor the house, there will be a 65-square-mile green zero.

An assortment of off-table bets will be offered. Successfully predicting that a fallen piece of man-made space junk lands in any town named “Man-Made Space Junk” is going off at 50 trillion-to-one, with a $100,000 minimum. If that town is in Rhode Island or Liechtenstein, then the payout doubles.

Betting that a piece of space junk hits and destroys any building in Las Vegas that is already scheduled to be imploded in the next month pays three-to-one on a $5 billion minimum bet.

“The World Bet” gives the player a special gaming chip that can be placed anywhere on Earth, including on a boat — excluding rafts. The minimum bet is $7.5 million with a payout for a direct hit of the chip at 975 trillion-to-one.

Winners must present the chip at my cage, location to be determined, to cash in.

With just a $1 billion wager, one can bet the trifecta. Accurately predict where three pieces of space junk land and claim a whopping payout of 1,000-times-one-million-trillion-to-one.

And of course back on the desert board, red/black or odd/even pays two-to-one with a $5 minimum.

Hello retirement, and hello Liechtenstein.

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