Las Vegas Sun

March 28, 2024

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Bill Gates’ manure bin needs reboot

Dear Village of Wellington Code Enforcement Office:

I represent Microsoft founder Bill Gates, who owns an $8.7 million horse farm in your municipality.

It has come to my attention that the Florida village has placed a lien on Mr. Gates’ property because of the placement of a horse manure bin erected without a permit and placed less than 100 feet from a pond, which is also an alleged violation.

It also has come to my attention that the village has been fining Mr. Gates $250 a day for each of these infractions since July 18 and these fines amount to approximately $42,000.

Money isn’t the issue here.

Mr. Gates, who is worth $80.4 billion, can surely afford to pay this fine, which represents approximately 0.00000052 percent of his net worth.

But I believe that on principle, it is unfair to fine Mr. Gates because of what is essentially a macro-hard pile of horse dung on his property.

In the interest of fairness, you should view the horse manure bin on his property with an attitude that is more collaborative and supportive.

For starters, think of it as Horse Manure Bin 2.0.

As the founder of Microsoft, Mr. Gates is well aware that prototypes and first attempts at rolling out new products are frequently met with unforeseen problems and glitches.

You introduce a new product and hope it works. If you’re unlucky, it could turn out like last year’s Windows 8.1, which clashed with existing software, created mouse-control problems with video games and developed issues with the company’s Surface tablets.

Hey, (expletive deleted) happens. This is especially true with a manure bin.

So, instead of a fine, the village should have simply written a scathing review of Mr. Gates’ horse manure bin — heretofore referred to as HMB 2.0 — in a publication such as PC World, and Mr. Gates and his team of engineers would have recalled it to the barn and begun beta-testing a 3.0 model.

Speaking of HMB 3.0, it would be unreasonable to expect that Mr. Gates would provide you with information on it before its backyard product launch.

I realize you like to assert your right to pre-approve such matters. But you need to recognize the special circumstances here and make allowances with the understanding that Mr. Gates operates in a extremely competitive environment.

And since this product would contain what is commonly known as “horse apples,” we can expect that Microsoft’s corporate rival might be very interested in developing its own version of HMB 3.0, perhaps an equestrian product called the iThrone.

As for the existing HMB 2.0 being closer than 100 feet to the pond, did you consider that this problem could be simply fixed by moving the pond, not the HMB? Expensive, yes, but not beyond the budget of this particular resident.

Or perhaps the pond might just be gone the next time your code enforcement officers come to take a look. It wouldn’t be a tragedy.

Ponds, as you know, are breeding grounds for mosquitoes, which can transmit malaria and are, as Mr. Gates wrote on his blog, “the deadliest animal in the world.”

So before you continue down this road of enforcement, please govern yourself accordingly and enjoy the enclosed Microsoft Xbox $5 gift cards.

Frank Cerabino writes for the Palm Beach Post.

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