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April 17, 2014

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Steven Seagal vs. a Ford Escape. Who wins?

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He may be hard to kill and out for justice, but can Steven Seagal beat a Ford Escape?

Two ridiculous shows premiere this week: the Seagal-led low-budget cop drama True Justice (Fridays, 9 p.m., Reelz Channel) and Escape Routes (Saturdays, 8 p.m., NBC), a weekly infomercial for the Ford Escape masquerading as a reality show. We decided to pit the stars against each other to see which came out on top.

Girth:

Seagal His weight has ballooned since his ’80s action-star heyday, and he wears bulky clothes to hide his puffiness.

Escape Stands 81.8 inches wide (including mirrors) and has a sleek look.

Dialogue:

Seagal His character, Elijah Kane, mumbles through lines like “I got my own set of rules,” delivered with … a Cajun accent.

Escape Sadly, the car has not yet learned to talk. Reality-TV veteran Rossi Morreale hosts the show instead.

Speed:

Seagal Seems to barely move during his fight scenes, and clearly employs a stunt double on occasion.

Escape The 2.5-liter engine delivers 171 horsepower and a reported top speed of 102 miles per hour.

Intelligence:

Seagal The actor created True Justice and wrote or co-wrote all the first-season episodes.

Escape The car can follow simple voice commands, automatically correct for swerving and even parallel park itself.

Verdict: The Escape is leaner and faster (and possibly smarter), but Seagal’s show should be more entertaining. Not that you should watch either one.

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