Monday, Jan. 23, 2012 | 2 a.m.
He wouldn’t be the first puppet president the world has known. But he would be the fuzziest.
Marvin E. Quasniki, a Republican (for now) from Tonopah, is making the most refreshing of runs for the White House in 2012.
He may not be on any ballots, but that doesn’t matter to this bug-eyed, bespectacled turquoise farmer with a comb-over and a bolo tie. He has a simple, winning message for America: “No bull(expletive).”
We caught up with this The Jim Henson Company creation and Nevada native son to ask him about his bid. To see video of the interview, visit lasvegassun.com.
Why do you want to be president?
Why do you want me to be president? Why does anyone want me to be president? It’s because they want someone who’s tired of the (expletive). And that is me in a nutshell: I’m tired of the (expletive). I’m tired of the problems. I’m tired of the brilliant people coming in with plans that don’t work out. I’m one guy that doesn’t have a plan, and that’s refreshing to the American public. I’m filled with oversimplified proposals. I’m filled with good catchphrases, like, “Happy, happy, happy.” That sort of thing.
Nevada has never produced a president. What makes you the right guy to make history like this?
It just seems amazing to me that the state that produced legalized prostitution can’t produce a president, and I’m saying it’s me and it’s my time and it’s our time, as Nevadans. Plus, I don’t know any other candidate that knows the Nevada state song.
People are very nervous about losing their health care and their homes. What would you do about those issues?
The solution to the health care crisis is simply don’t get sick. That way you’ll never need a doctor, and here’s the other thing: I think everyone should be trained to give themselves physicals. You know, you could maybe get a loved one to give you a rectal exam, and if they can’t do it maybe you could go to the bar and maybe a few fellas would do it for you for free. Just give them a beer or something.
What about Yucca Mountain — what do you think about that?
Basically, Nevada, you’ve got a problem there where there’s a lot of unemployed people. So basically, Nevada should become the state of, “Yeah, we’ll do that!” You know, give us your nuclear crap and send us that crud and we’ll take it and we’ll deal with it. And maybe we get the aliens from Area 51 to supervise the whole thing. You know, and what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe you get some radiation, it leaks and then you got big ants. Big giant ants, and then Nevada could be known for large ants.
Then the next thing you know, other states are like, “Well who’s doing that? Oh they’re doing that? Nevada’s doing that? Well, why didn’t we say we’d do that?” So, basically, it’s win-win-win, win-win-win.
Several candidates have had their campaigns suffer from personal scandals. How can we be sure that won’t happen to you?
Well, you can’t. Look, I’ve done things I’m not proud of. So, who knows when I might be attacked from someone from my past who thinks America would like to hear about my history of violent crimes and that sort of thing? But here’s the deal: I’ve almost gone broke paying off everyone to keep quiet, so I don’t think we’ll have a problem.
Have you started fundraising, and are you at all concerned about becoming a puppet for the special interests?
I’m not into becoming a puppet for special interests, but I’ll tell you something: Every president we’ve ever had has always had a hand up his ass. And I’m the first one where you’re going to know it’s the right hand.