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By J. Patrick Coolican (contact) 
Thursday, Dec. 15, 2011 | 2 a.m.
J. Patrick Coolican
Reno joke at 09:06 to 09:15
I feel a bit of guilt making fun of Reno, which has recently endured an air show crash and a bad fire.
But Reno gives me no choice, being so Reno and all.
In the new Muppet movie, Reno appears as a sad sack dump for Fozzie Bear's failed solo career. The TV show “Reno 911” has long mocked the city’s police department, and to add insult to injury, the show isn’t even filmed in Reno — where this week two bins of “Toys for Tots” were stolen from a Walmart only to be returned.
And then on “Saturday Night Live” last week, “Weekend Update” host Seth Meyers had this to say: “According to a new list, the least happiest city in America is St. Petersburg, Fla. But that’s only because Reno, Nevada, finally killed itself.” (Las Vegas is actually the suicide capital of America, but moving on ...)
Well, Reno is fighting back!
Some genius in an editors’ meeting of the Reno Gazette-Journal decided he’d had enough. (Somehow I know it was a he.) The paper asked its readers to contribute to an “open letter to Seth Meyers” that will be published Sunday from the people of Reno, a city known for the purity of its methamphetamine.
“It just needs to be funny,” says the newspaper of Reno, where the five food groups are venison, fish, berries, beer and Marlboro Reds.
Here are some examples the editors provided:
• Seth Meyers: Making David Spade look macho since 2001.
• Hey Seth, washing Tina Fey’s Mercedes is not the same as “I worked with Tina Fey at SNL.”
• Wow, Seth Meyers made fun of Donald Trump. Even Donald Trump makes fun of Donald Trump.
The problem here is that these aren’t funny. In fact, the whole flaw in this plan, as I noted on Twitter on Tuesday (@jpcoolican), is that Seth Meyers is funny. Whereas the people of Reno — where the dirt flooring of the homes serves for both sleeping and eating — and the editors of the Reno Gazette Journal are not funny.
If they were funny, they wouldn’t be living in Reno, where we all hope girls will be permitted to go to school someday. They’d be in New York City getting paid to be funny. (Same goes with me, s’pose.)
Then after they got famous they’d come back to Reno and be VIPs at the Reno Rodeo and be served Reno’s famous delicacy — equine tartare.
No, see, there’s nothing more Podunk, nothing more Reno, than shaking your fist at the big-city snob, who I assure you doesn’t know or care.
Do you think it ever worked for Cleveland? Just ignore the guff and get busy bringing modern conveniences like electric light and running water — preferably fluoridated water — to the good people of Reno, whose outhouses are filling to capacity as we speak.
In fact, the editors might take note of Brian Duggan, the paper’s city reporter, who takes a far more droll and knowing tone to the recent cultural embarrassments.
He suggests an excellent motto: At least we’re not Detroit. (Reno may have to fight Vegas for that one.)
Or better yet, make lemonade out of lemons, or in terms Reno would understand, make “purdy” flowers out of manure. When Gene Weingarten of The Washington Post named Battle Mountain the “armpit of America,” the rural Nevada town ran with it. In 2003, Old Spice sponsored the city’s new event, the “Festival of the Pit.”
Is there an equivalent for Reno and its marker as the “saddest city in America”? A “Festival of Sadness”? Perhaps a film festival celebrating — or mourning? — the movies of Ingmar Bergman? Sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with. Just get some kegs and start a tire fire and call it a party.
Finally, I’ll stipulate that there’s nothing more suspect and pathetic than the metro columnist for one failing city making fun of another (smaller) failing city. Reno readers: Let us have it. In the comments, tell us why you hate Vegas.
Ha Ha Ha
I love Reno even more, now that a journalist has had his way with her.
No, but seriously. Reno has nice people, well, a few. We have fewer piercing stations, though we do have a significant smattering. Reno has better weather. Cooler nights in the summer. Reno has parks and rivers and mountains and skiing. Djever hear of Reno/Tahoe INTERNATIONAL airport?? SEE?? Reno is here on the map too. Check your Southwest points and zip up to Reno for some top of the state, down-home fun!
Sure many folks see her as the cheap little sister of the big slut Vegas, but we also do windows and we ski.
We need a high speed train from Vegas to Reno and the whole country needs to pay for it asap. Do it Harry. The Muppet Express.
Reno has UNR. Enough said. No really, I remember when Las Vegas was Great, just like Reno. Reno has managed to keep all it's cousins on the same bus, so you still have to go through a cousin to play with your lego's, to even get a permit to play with them. I can't believe the locals don't know that there are parks in Las Vegas, that the Ski area is not that far away, and while the Colorado River does not flow through town, and we have to "pay" to get to it, we do have a river..I love Reno, but I have been in Vegas to earn the title "southern slut of Nevada"..
Coolican, first a drive-by (Henderson) and now a City (Reno).
Your comedy routine is picking up!
Festus: lol!
It's more a sign of the decline of the Reno papers. There are good people there, even some very good ones, but not enough of them to squelch every bad idea that comes bubbling up in the desperate effort to stay relevant. Newspapers lost the battle long ago (Craig's List won it), but like the cartoon character sliced by a scimitar, seem not to know it and carry on as usual despite their impending doom. Hilarious onscreen maybe, but in real life a vital community resource slowly ebbs, until the day it falls to pieces.
Coolican, as usual, only tells part of the story -- he conveniently neglects to mention that the majority of comments on that article are from Reno residents who agree that the RGJ's attempts here are somewhere between stupid and pathetic. (In fact, I'd venture that the amount of people who are actually taking the RGJ seriously up here aren't much higher than the staff of the RGJ themselves.)
As for Coolican's own slams on Reno, he should heed his own advice and leave the comedy to the comedians as well.
Thanks to both J Patrick and Seth for continuing the covert campaign to keep overpopulation & gridlock from destroying the Reno environs. As long as the world thinks Reno is famous for an inept police force, smoky casinos, and quickie marriages & divorces ... it will continue to enjoy easily accessible world class kayaking, rafting, mt biking & miles of city bike paths, skiing, snowboarding, 300+ days of sunshine, clear starry night skies, and pedestrians who can actually cross safely in cross walks. Did I mention real fall colors, the new Art and new Children's Museums, the 2nd most efficient major airport in the U.S., and safe playgrounds with actual nets on the bball hoops? If only Outside Magazine would stop bragging about Reno...
In-fighting, with these types of stories picked up by news and travel websites throughtout the world, is just what Nevada needs to perk up its economy. Way to go, JPC, whom within our state will you insult next?
Hey Coolican:
If it weren't for Ralston, nobody would even know about the Sun.
At least the RGJ isn't tucked inside a paper as an advertisement.
reno is an uncultured cowtown but so is las vegas. at least reno has tahoe right up the hill. winner: reno.
Reno should change its name to Not Far From Beautiful Lake Tahoe and hope people are confused enough to actually think they're staying at a lakeside resort instead of a smokey, run-down fleabag motel with escaped convicts holed up in the room next door.
Best line in The Muppets: "I don't want to go back to Reno." Fozzie Bear.
First off, the RGJ isn't worth wrapping old fish heads in.
Second, the "editors" there stink worse than the aforementioned old fish heads.
But it does have two things going for it that Las Bugsy doesn't have: water, water everywhere and a (medoicre) football team.
Las Bugsy is going to look pretty stupid in a few years when Lake Mead dries up while Reno is having white water competitions on the Truckee.
@ScottNV
Coolican's article is NOT about infighting.
In his playful and blustery role as journalist for the Las Vegas Slut, poor Mr. Coolican has unearthed a rare commodity - playfulness! And in Nevada no less.
Reno may appear an uncultured cowtown. If you haven't spent much time at the Art Gallery or UNR, numerous venues for world-class shows (yep, some still come), then it's easy to understand how you may take offense.
Reno is actually a pretty nice little cultured western city with an abundance of attributes that elevate her above many in the world. Proximity, propinquity, perspicacity and pullenty of WATER!
hey Vegas, can I get ya a drink?? lmao
I live in Reno and visit Las Vegas several times a year and I am originally not from this state. This whole Reno/LV rivalry baffles me. On one hand, I like both Reno and LV, although for different reasons. On the other, it seems that the rivalry blinds Nevadans to the bigger picture--with all its social problems, many of which are the most severe in the country, the entire state of Nevada is a pariah.
I've lived in both Reno and Las Vegas. I'll take the heat and crazyness of Las Vegas over the freezing winter weather and snobbishness of Reno. At least we can laugh at our many absurdities. Plus we have much better restaurants and shows, and much more affordable cost of living.
The only thing I miss about Reno is being 45 minutes away from Lake Tahoe and 4 hours from San Francisco.
Having spent a lifetime living in Toledo, Ohio one year, I sympathize with the good citizens of Reno.
This Reno/Vegas rivalry between the yocal locals is a joke. Everyone else, who moves here, makes some money and then leaves is just laughing at you. Hey native UNLV grad, bring me another drink.
Reno, don't waste your time. Save it for the day they come looking for water.
As a recent transplant to Reno from Vegas, I can honestly say Reno has more culture and community than Vegas will ever dream of having. From the Pioneer Center, to the Bruka Theater, Reno contains a more diverse group of arts and entertainment than the 24 Cirque Shows on Las Vegas Blvd. combined. Sure, Reno's downtown isn't The Strip, and the GSR isn't exactly the Wynn Hotel, but there are more community events and local appreciative activities in Reno every year than Vegas has in ten years.
I lived in Vegas for 9 years and worked on The Strip for eight of those years, and Vegas has never been anything but an over-priced, fake (and I mean everything is fake. From the stupid themed hotels, to the breasts on the cocktail waitresses) tourist trap with no soul.
In one word, I can tell you what Reno has and Vegas will never have...SOUL. Reno is a small, rural corner of the northern Nevada area, but it's got F!@#ING soul man.
I did freshman year in the Reno area. When the cops busted our parties, they always stole our beer
(and weed) and let us go. They can make fun of Reno-911, but those guys always had free beer. Maybe LVMPD needs more free beer, and a sense of humor.
You're correct, Reno is a terrible place. For your own good DON"T move here. Stay in the beautiful Las Vegas valley.
I can't believe I'm actually getting ready to type words that will defend any northern area of Nevada, much less, Reno. But I'm about to. When I worked for the state there was always this conflict between those in the same agency between northern and southern Nevada. They despised us. We, in return, despised them.
But, let us be fair. When President Obama made the comment about not coming to Las Vegas, the crocodile tears were running down the faces of most Las Vegans. Oh, how I remember Coolican's articles on this issue. But now, I have to give Reno credit, they have taken a public thumping recently, and I haven't seen a baby tear yet roll down from their eyes. You got my respect. And, Coolican, don't try to be a comic, it doesn't fit your persona. Although, I'm not sure what would. Oh wait, maybe I should apologize, I certainly wouldn't want you to begin crying those crocodile tears again.
"...Reno, whose outhouses are filling to capacity as we speak."
Well, at least we keep our sh!t confined to outhouses, instead of spewing it all over our newspaper. :)