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August 21, 2014

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jon ralston:

Trying to understand what Reid and Angle might really be saying

Welcome to this history-making debate in the race for the U.S. Senate.

This is the first debate ever to require translators so the candidates can be understood. Sharron Angle will speak in her native tongue known as Angleish while Harry Reid will converse in his preferred dialect known as Reidspeak. The moderator is about to begin:

Moderator: “Let’s start with the economy. Ms. Angle, who do you think is responsible for the terrible economy?”

Angle (smiles broadly): “We have the highest unemployment rate in the country. We have the highest foreclosure rate. People are hurting. Harry Reid waterboarded the economy along with Obamacare and the bailouts and Nancy Pelosi, too. I don’t mean he waterboarded Pelosi, but she is a domestic enemy who needs a Second Amendment remedy.”

Angleish translator: “My staff told me to talk only about the economy and Reid. That’s it. Otherwise, I tend to get in trouble.”

Moderator: “And you, Sen. Reid?”

Reid (chuckles): “Sharron Angle, as you know, is crazy. She is very extreme. Even the Review-Journal, a newspaper that hates me, ran a story saying she is crazy. OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I don’t want to talk about the economy.”

Moderator: “Thank you. These translators are very helpful. Let’s start with you this time, Sen. Reid. Why would you have ever said “The war is lost” when you know that could have demoralized our troops in Iraq?”

Reid (chuckles): “I was only saying what Gen. Petraeus was saying, that the war couldn’t be won militarily. I used to think he was a liar, but now I love him because the president does, too. And I misspoke because the war is won. And I was there for Petraeus when he needed me. OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I know it was a really stupid thing to say. But it was even dumber to say it when TV cameras were on.”

Moderator: “Ms. Angle, I was wondering about a couple of your statements, too. You once said people might resort to Second Amendment remedies and that government has taken the place of God, which violates the First Commandment. What in the world did you mean?”

Angle (smiles): “I didn’t say that. Thank you.”

Angleish translator: “Well, of course I said those things. But I was just trying to please my interviewers and probably sounded as crazy as they are. Now it’s time to do what my hero, Ronald Reagan, did when questioned about Iran-Contra: I don’t recall.”

Moderator: “Thank you, again, to the translators. I’m really seeing things more clearly now, and I’m sure many voters are, too. Ms. Angle, you are about to go to Washington and raise money from a bunch of lobbying insiders after making a big deal out of Sen. Reid being a K Street captive. How do you reconcile that?”

Angle (smiles): “Let’s talk about what people care about. Harry Reid has destroyed the Nevada economy with his reckless spending, Obamacare, the stimulus and bailouts. That’s what people care about, not this inside baseball stuff.”

Angleish translator: “Of course it’s hypocritical. But do you know how hard it is to raise money? And that whole million people sending me 25 bucks thing hasn’t worked out so well. I’m about tapped out.”

Moderator: “Thank you. Sen. Reid, how do you possibly claim that you bear no responsibility for the high unemployment rate in Nevada and for the high foreclosure rate? That’s not credible, is it?”

Reid (chuckles): “Have I mentioned yet during this debate that Sharron Angle is a little cuckoo? She wants to phase out Social Security and Medicare. She wants to close down the federal government, for all intents and purposes. And you ask me about the economy? That’s not the issue. She is the issue, OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “I don’t want to talk about the economy.”

Moderator: “Thank you, again. Final question of this illuminating debate for both candidates: Why would you be a better representative for Nevada than your opponent? Sen. Reid?”

Reid (chuckles): “Is that a serious question? Me or Sharron Angle? Everyone knows this is a joke. No one can do more than I can. No one can do less than she will do, OK?”

Reidspeak translator: “How can she even be in the race against me? That’s what’s really nuts!”

Moderator: “Interesting. Ms. Angle?”

Angle: “I am a mainstream American. I am a mainstream Nevadan. Reid-Obama-Pelosi do not represent mainstream America or mainstream Nevada. I am not extreme.”

Angleish translator: “Oh, I’m extreme, all right — extremely lucky to be where I am today.”

Moderator: “Thanks to both candidates and their translators. Or, as I really mean to say: This race is lost.”

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  1. Jon, your satire is becoming tiresome. Not as tiresome as the pronouncements of the candidates, but tiresome, nonetheless.

  2. A vote for Sharron Angle will prove detrimental to Nevada.

    She gets in, it's guaranteed she will serve no one but herself. And to add to the horror, she will be shunned by the Republicans! Because her ideas are so way out there, they will end up walking away from her all the time shaking their heads in disgust.

    I can't waste an important vote on a nutball like her.

    I'm sticking with Senator Reid.

    In November, I'm doing my part and slamming the door in the faces of every Republican candidate in Nevada. They failed us before. They fail us now. And in the future, if they get into power, they will continue this horrible trend.

    Contrary to popular opinion, Republicans cannot just get in, snap their fingers, wave their magical wand and mystically....VOILAH! Peace and economic prosperity happens. Wake up. This is a wide and deep hole we are in right now. Progress is happening right now, and it is guaranteed it will be slow and take a few years. To lose patience and change now would provoke calamity.

    Because if the Republicans get back in power, they will look at the car they drove in the ditch and, rather than call a tow truck, they will jump in on top of the hood and scream and jump up and down vigorously trying to drive the car even further into the ditch! That you can bet on.

  3. NoLongerADemo, you do realize that Social Security and Medicare are funded by payroll taxes, right? FICA, for those of use who look at our pay stubs? And that contributions to OASDI stop after $106,500 of income, so that the people who make the most income pay comparatively less than the majority, right? And you do realize that removing that cap on contributions is all that's really needed to ensure retirement and disability will be funded for the entire 75-year horizon used by the actuaries, right?

    Right?

  4. "In life, success never comes from repeating known mistakes. Reid is a known mistake."

    If you slipped and fell going down the stairs, after you recovered, would you jump off the roof to avoid the stairs?