Tuesday, March 23, 2010 | 7 p.m.
Housecats do what they want, how they want, when they want. And new Jet resident DJ Felix Da Housecat is no exception. So you'll simply have to wait, pray and salivate for Felix's return to Jet for the next installment of The Cat's Meow, which should be every four to six weeks or so. But in the meantime, on the occasion of the Monday industry party's grand opening...
20 Lessons Learned:
1. A note upon entering: The first of Jet's side rooms is being used for the circus acts: snake charmer, tattooed woman, Rubber Boy, Siamese Twins, the stilt-walker... Enter at your own peril.
2. There's precious little standing room at Jet. So just keep moving with the flow when it flows, either clockwise or counterclockwise. Every hour on the hour, switch directions to keep it interesting!
3. No matter what your genius friends say, do not attempt to eat the cotton candy, candy apples, lollipops or licorice used to make the female sideshow-act costumes. Nor should you tug on the braid that conjoins the Siamese Twins nor punch the stilt-walker in the goods. I'm just saying.
4. Cat's Meow is more circus than freak show, but beware! There is a short, round balloon-twisting clowness hiding in the crowd. She's fast and mute, has crazy-eyes and is liable to jump out at any moment... Guys: Balloon hats render you unkissable. Sorry.
5. While it might be cute to wear your own circus-inspired clothes to this party (i.e. bowtie, suspenders, vest, top hat), know that you risk being mistaken for the staff and might end up taking cocktail orders or bussing ice all night. You've been warned.
6. No matter what we tell them, tourists will always say "At the Jet," "In the VIP" and "I have the bottle service." It's enough to give us the headache.
7. Those are balloons, not colorful condoms. Know the difference.
8. Best non sequitur: The balloon sharks and toy soccer balls under the red-and-white awnings dangling over the bars make way more sense after you've seen the signs for the traditional midway games hanging behind the bartenders: Ring Toss, Clown Knockdown, Pop the Balloon, Drown the Clown.
9. Drown the Clown is not a euphemism for a new sexual position...
10. Resident DJ Felix da Housecat goes on pretty much right at 1 a.m. Definitely plan to be in the main room for his intro video and the wild performance that accompanies his appearance.
11. Best hair of the night award: The white boy channeling Kid of Kid 'n' Play from the front (more of a mohawk from the side and back), Jersey Shore from the deep V-neck to his waist, and Good Charlotte from the waist down. He was his own mash-up! Applause!
12. Bump into me in a nightclub, sister, and I'll guarantee more of my drink goes on you than me. It's just a matter of gravity and inertia.
13. I kinda feel bad for the group of guys seated directly in front of the giant floor-to-ceiling "Freaks" sign. But only kinda.
14. Everyone knows it's the-more-the-merrier on the stripper poles that make up the center of Jet's big top. Every circus needs a merry-go-round and drunk tourists are sooo much more fun than horses.
15. Even a full drink, without your hand securely wrapped around it, is a goner. "Ah ah ah," I shook my fist at a busser like an angry old woman. "Nobody touches mommy's vodka!"
16. Best convo of the night: Creepy foreigner vs. savvy local
Him: Are jjjjjew lookink forrrr me? [Puffs on clove foreignly.]
Me: Is your name Felix?
Me: Then no.
17. Watch out for that "Busser Tip" line snuck in between the traditional tip line and the total or you may find yourself tipping an additional $20 on top of that $11 Skyy and $6 Evian. Tricky... Now why didn't I think of that?
18. Ladies: If more than 50 percent of your butt crack is exposed, don't sit with your back to the dance floor or bar. However, if only 1-49 percent is out, I say go for it. Guys: Sorry, Vegas nightclubs have a zero-tolerance policy on crack.
19. In general, be careful who or what (trash can) you stand next to. Proximity can be taken for association. Leave before the drunkest person in the room does. You neither want to be on the road with them nor stand with them in the cab line. Guys: standing near her doesn't mean you're with her.
20. A note upon exiting: No no, you didn't mainline a keg of absinthe — those are just funhouse mirrors!