Summing up the initial debate between Rory, Sandoval

By Jon Ralston

Sunday, June 13, 2010 | 2 a.m.

Gubernatorial front-runner Brian Sandoval emerged briefly last week from the Sharron Angle Extreme Makeover Clinic, embedded somewhere in an unfinished tunnel at Yucca Mountain, to have his first debate with his Democratic opponent, Rory Whatshisname, the man with a plan but no last name.

Moderator: Welcome, gentlemen. Brief opening statements, please. Commissioner?

Rory: Hola, Brian.

Sandoval: What? What does that mean?

Rory: Never mind. I want to let everyone know I have a plan. Here it is: We can fix education, which Brian wants to cut. My plan is simple. It’s so simple it has no fiscal impact and actually might save money. Brian is just like Jim Gibbons. Except he looks better in a suit.

Moderator: Judge Sandoval?

Sandoval: I am glad to be here with Commissioner Reid.

Rory: Don’t call me that!

Sandoval: It’s your name, isn’t it? Reid. Reid. Reid. You look a little harried, Rory. Harried! Get it? I understand why. I am leading in all the polls because Nevadans like my view of the future. Commissioner Reid wants to raise taxes, even though he won’t say so. And I will never, ever raise taxes.

Rory: That’s what Jim Gibbons said. See, he is just like Jim Gibbons. Repeat after me: Si se puede. Si se puede.

Sandoval: What does that mean? Why does he keep speaking in gibberish? Anyhow, Commissioner Reid — that’s Reid — keeps saying he has a plan. He doesn’t, really. I do. I want to cut state employee salaries, reform the public benefits system, divert some education money from class-size reduction and magically find a whole bunch more money in waste and privatization. That’s visionary. That’s leadership. Commissioner Reid only has a secret plan to raise taxes.

Rory: I have a plan, and it has nothing to do with taxes. Brian’s plan would force teachers out of their jobs and destroy the education system as we know it. I have some real ideas and even better pictures of my ideas in my “Rory has a vision” packet. Because I have vision. And a plan. Gracias, Brian.

Sandoval: What? What language is that? Can you tell him to stop?

Moderator: Gentlemen, the budget crisis is now looking as if it will require a $3 billion solution in 2011. Should you become governor, what is yours? Judge?

Sandoval: I cannot imagine any situation in which I would raise taxes. To say anything more might force me to go into specifics and cost me my large lead over Commissioner Reid. That’s Reid.

Rory: This is a very complicated issue. But I have vision. Just trust me on this. And despite what my compadre said, I will not raise taxes. So there. Si se puede. Si se puede.

Sandoval: I must object. This is America and we should be speaking English and not whatever language Mr. Reid is speaking. It sounds vaguely familiar, but I am outraged.

Moderator: Speaking of English as the official language, Judge Sandoval, you have embraced the new Arizona illegal immigration law and you seem to be unclear on driver’s licenses for illegals. Can you expand on those positions?

Sandoval: Thank you. This is a new day. I believe, even though those statements are on tape, that I have been misinterpreted. On driver’s licenses, I now think we need to study the issue.

Rory: Copycat!

Sandoval: Please. And on the Arizona law, when I said during the Republican primary that I have studied it, and I believe it is constitutional, I didn’t realize what I was saying. I believe the tea may have been spiked at the Anger Is Brewing debate. I am now open to study it. You see, it’s a new day for the general election and, as Gerry Rafferty might have put it: There are clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, so I’m stuck in the middle with you — the majority who can vote me into office.

Moderator: Jokers to the right? Do you mean Sharron Angle?

Sandoval: I am running for governor. I don’t need to talk about other candidates. Sharron who?

Moderator: Commissioner?

Rory: Here again, I am the one with a vision, and Brian is not. I see a Nevada where most of the Hispanics don’t like what Brian said in the primary and will gravitate to me instead. I know the polls say the Arizona law is popular, but I need that Hispanic vote and Brian has been badly hurt there. So I have the vision to take advantage of that. I have a plan. Rory has a plan.

Sandoval: Rory Reid, you mean.

Rory: Silencio, Brian.

Sandoval: What did he say?

Moderator: Gentlemen, thank you for the enlightening, thoughtful discussion.