Las Vegas Sun

March 28, 2024

Hometown tourist

What a Vegas local saw when she boarded the bus

The Grand Canal Shoppes at The Venetian

File Photo

No, you can’t rent jet skis to navigate the waters of the Venetian’s Grand Canal.

"Oooookaaay, you guys, do you want today's tour with or without the useless info?"

This is how it begins. A tour of the Las Vegas Strip. A five-hour tour. At night. Sunday night.

"Or do you guys want to go to the pub? How many of you guys want to go to the pub?"

We want the useless info. It's 6:30 p.m. The ninth and last passenger has been picked up. The bus, which took off from Excalibur, is taking a shortcut back to the Strip, cutting through the intersection of Swenson and Twain. The tour guide has a microphone: "This is the 'hood. Don't worry, we won't be stopping."

Unchecked tour fact #1 (UTF): There were 90 jaywalking deaths in Las Vegas in 2009.

The first stop is the Venetian, the Grand Canal. The group includes a family of four from Colombia. They got on the bus carrying beers. There are language barriers.

"If I touch my nose, guys, it means drinks are expensive here."

The tour wanders along the gondola route. They take in the piped-in perfume, the daylight-at-nighttime lighting, the professional statues: people painted white and standing still in front of a pile of dollar bills. Cameras come out. Tips don't.

Are the gondoliers really Italian?

"They'll sing to you with a fake Italian accent. I think a lot of them are from the San Fernando Valley. You can also rent jet skis for $35 an hour. That's a joke, guys!"

UTF #2: It's 75 miles, as the bird flies, from the Strip to the west rim of the Grand Canyon.

Onward, past the time-share hawks ("don't make eye contact") to the observation deck, which looks from the Venetian across the Strip to the Mirage, and the volcano — erupting now!

"If it's windy, the fire department shuts it down. They're afraid of burning down the Mirage. That would be a really cool show, though."

Click to enlarge photo

The Oprah Winfrey figure at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum Las Vegas.

Now Madam Tussauds wax museum — complimentary entry included — with 30 minutes of unattended wandering time. The group — the four Colombians, two Canadians, one British, one woman from Arizona, one Las Vegas Weekly writer — walks in. Hello Britney, Beyonce, Liberace, Oprah, Larry King, Hef and Tiger Woods.

One tour member leans in close to the face of every wax figure before posing for a photo: "I'm afraid some are real."

There are complimentary hand-sanitizer dispensers throughout the museum.

UTF #3: It costs $180,000 a year to power the Luxor light beam.

Now to the Rio! To the Voodoo Lounge "the coolest club," accessible by a glass elevator that ascends 51 floors ("anyone scared of heights?"), climbing with a view of Clark County.

"That's the suburbs of Henderson and Green Valley, and 25 years ago, that literally wasn't there. That was all dirt and tumbleweeds. And tumbleweeds are our state flower."

Fifteen milling minutes under the Rio balcony heat lamps, then back to the bus for snacks: cookies, chips, granola bar, also included in the $61.95 fee.

The Bellagio is next. The guide can't leave the bus unattended here for more than 15 minutes. Quick! File through the Conservatory ("changed six times a year"), look at the Chihuly glass ("$14 million worth"), watch the fountains dance ("there are more than 300 songs") and come back to the bus afterwards.

UTF #4: Until 1930, downtown Vegas wasn't paved, and there weren't any streetlights.

Click to enlarge photo

"Born to Be Wild" on the Fremont Street Experience.

It's 9:20 or so. Time to take the Strip all the way to Fremont Street. Past Sahara, pawn shops are pointed out and explained. Wedding chapels are marveled at: A drive-through? Then the tattoo shops.

"Any of you guys want a tattoo tonight?"

(No.)

The bus pulls up to the Plaza Hotel and passengers are dispatched for one hour of self-guided Fremont Street exploration.

"Parts of this part of town are not that safe. If you don't see a TV screen over your head, you are going to get mugged. Stay under the TV screen."

UTF #5: The Golden Gate Casino was the first to have a telephone. The phone number was "1."

"There are cheap drinks on Fremont Street." (No nose touch.) It's not uncommon, our guide says, for tour guests to get off the bus here and never get back on.

"That's fine. Just let me know."

It's not clear if the Colombians understand. They disembark, with everybody, and vanish into the crowd.

"Groups that are dead quiet and sober (ours) are easier to control."

UTF #6: There are no fleas or ticks in the desert.

"A Vegas Evening Tour" is available most nights, departing at 5:30 p.m. Itinerary is flexible and may vary from evening to evening. $61.95, Vegas.com (Vegas.com is owned by the Greenspun family and is a sister company of the Sun.).

Locals Tour #1: Vegas wildlife you can sight on the Strip — some for free

MGM Grand lion habitat: One of the few remaining sites where you can see critters on the Strip for free. It's a few years old, but it's lost none of its appeal.

Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay: A seriously kick-ass collection of creatures here (those jellyfish are mesmerizing, dammit!). There's a year-round locals' discount: $3 off for adults, $2 off for kids.

Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden at the Mirage: The dolphins alone make this destination worthwhile, but you'll also get a gander at S&F's famed white tigers. Locals' specials are infrequent.

Atlantis Aquarium at the Forum Shops at Caesars More than 500 fish swim in this 50,000-gallon behemoth. A Zen-like experience.

Wildlife Habitat at the Flamingo A great place to see — what else? — flamingos, and other exotic birds. For free!

Locals Tour #2: Artwork you can see on the Strip — for free

• That moody photo series of Christopher Walken at Aria, behind the Deuce lounge? It's by art superstar Julian Schnabel, on loan from a private collection.

• It's pretty thrilling to ride the escalator at Aria and pass the suite of Donald Judd works on paper. For that, and numerous other art-viewing opportunities, we thank CityCenter.

• Drop into THEhotel at Mandalay Bay and see the Richard Serra works on paper. His etchings encapsulate the powerful experience of his monumental sculptures in two-dimensional renderings.

• Wynn Las Vegas features Tim Bavington's "Full Fathom Five" near the Terrace Point Café. His vibrant striped paintings combine the 12-tone music scale with the 12-hue color palate. Each bandwidth represents the length of a note. Each painting represents a song.

• Wolfgang Puck's Spago restaurant at Caesars Palace features a Bavington and works by Angela Kallus and David Ryan, Las Vegas artists who create abstract, hard-edge, minimalist paintings.

Locals Tour #3: Vegas film locals you can see — for free

The Riviera and its Le Bistro Cafe stood in for the Tangiers casino in Martin Scorsese's Casino; Sharon Stone's death scene was shot at Ruth's Chris Steak House on Paradise.

Flamingo/Las Vegas Boulevard intersection is where Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue's prostitute meet semi-cute in Leaving Las Vegas. They also chat in front of the big clown at Circus Circus.

Imperial Palace appears as the penthouse lair of villainess Alotta Fagina in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

Forum Shops at Caesars Palace is where Elizabeth Berkley buys her fabulous "Ver-sayce" dress in Showgirls; she also lunches with Gina Gershon at Spago.

Las Vegas Hilton is where Robert Redford made his Indecent Proposal to Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson.

Bellagio fountain provided the unforgettable ending for Steven Soderbergh's remake of Ocean's Eleven. Of the casinos featured in the 1960 original, only the Riviera and Flamingo still stand.

Caesars Palace interiors are seen in Rain Man (Dustin Hoffman picks up a hooker at Cleopatra's Barge) and The Hangover. (That hotel room itself does not exist, and, no, you cannot get on the roof.)

— Originally published in Las Vegas Weekly

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