Imagining Nevada’s GOP gubernatorial debate

By Jon Ralston

Sunday, April 11, 2010 | 2 a.m.

The first GOP gubernatorial debate is history and luckily I have a transcript:

Heidi Harris: Welcome Gov. Jim Gibbons, Judge Brian Sandoval and Mayor Mike Montandon. It’s a pleasure having you here. First, can we all agree we hate Harry Reid?

Gibbons: He is going to bankrupt the nation and turn it into, as I so eloquently put it in my fundraising letter, a Socialist World of Big Government. In case anyone wonders, Heidi, all those words are capitalized in my mind.

Harris: Mayor?

Montandon: First, Heidi, may I say thanks for inviting me? Everyone in the mainstream media ignores me, I am reduced to goofy Web ads because I have no money but I am the only candidate with executive experience. As to your question, Jim’s answer is good. But I don’t know what would be wrong with rubbing honey all over Harry and then putting him in a field of bees. (Studio audience erupts in applause.)

Harris: What a delicious image. Judge?

Sandoval: I would like to take a judicious approach and say I admire the senator and he did help me get appointed to the federal bench. I would like to, but I can’t. I agree with Gov. Gibbons. Thank you.

Harris: OK. Let’s start with an easy one. All the liberals are whining about this state budget deficit. Three billion dollars. Blah, blah, blah. Will you consider a tax increase of any kind to fix the problem? Mayor, let’s start with you.

Montandon (affecting Sierra Madre accent): Taxes? We don’t need no stinking taxes. (More applause.) Thank you.

Harris: Governor?

Gibbons: Hello? No new taxes. How many times do I need to say it? Thank you.

Sandoval: What the governor said. But stronger. No way. No how. Never. Not even if they rub honey on me and put me in a field of bees. (Raucous applause.)

Montandon: May I say something, Heidi?

Harris: Of course.

Montandon: I don’t understand how either of these guys can say they wouldn’t raise taxes. Both already have shown they like taxes. The governor raised taxes and fees in the last special session and in the 2009 session. And Brian was part of the conspiracy to circumvent the two-thirds constitutional requirement in 2003 to get the Guinn tax passed.

Gibbons: If I may, Heidi, I would like to respond to the mayor, even though I am not quite sure why he is here. First, no new taxes. There. That felt good. What the mayor said essentially is true, but so what? Most people listening to this — like your listeners, Heidi — don’t really care about facts. They care about slogans. So: No new taxes.

Harris: My listeners, Governor? They are the smartest people in this state. You’re starting to sound like the liberal media. (Chants of “Heidi, Heidi” go up in the audience.)

Sandoval: I must respond, too, Heidi. I could give you a long, legalistic explanation about how I didn’t support taxes and was just doing my job as attorney general back in 2003. But no one wants to hear that. So let me be clear: I am giving people a reason to believe again. (Audible groans.)

Gibbons: I must interject here, Heidi. This shows the difference between Believey, Taxey Brian and me. And it shows why he is just like the current attorney general — he wasn’t acting in the state’s best interests just as Catherine Cortez Masto isn’t in trying to stop me from suing to stop the Nationalized Socialist Government Takeover of Health Care. Again, Heidi, I would like people to know I have capitalized all those words in my mind. Thank you.

(Montandon starts to speak but Sandoval cuts him off.)

Sandoval: Heidi, I must respond. I am offended by the governor’s suggestion. I never voted once to raise taxes. Never. Ever. Never would. Ever. I mean that. Never. Thank you. Believe in me. Again. And, like the governor, those words are all capitalized. Thank you.

Gibbons: If I may, Heidi, I am not sure bs can be trusted. And those are not capital letters, either, in my mind. He was for driver’s licenses for illegals before he was against them. And that was in the Las Vegas Sun, a paper I revere.

Sandoval: Heidi, I must respond. Illegal immigration is a difficult issue, so it is not surprising I would have several different positions. Thank you.

Harris: Thank you.

Montandon: Heidi, you forgot about me.

Harris: Oh well. So have most voters. Thanks for being here. And remember: This election is all about Harry Reid. We’re going to get you, Harry, and (affecting her best Margaret Hamilton) your little son, too. Thank you.