Las Vegas Sun

October 2, 2014

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Make a bid in Sun holiday auction, help a youth

These unsolicited gifts to the Sun could be yours

Christmas Auction 2009

2009 Christmas Auction

131. X-large, white T-shirt says Launch slideshow »

INSTRUCTIONS

’Tis the holiday season, a time for giving and receiving and, if you are UNLV President Dr. Neal Smatresk, hiring an athletic director and a football coach.

It’s also time to make a bid (or two) in the 12th annual Las Vegas Sun Holiday Auction.

You won’t find any leaping lords or milking maids on this year’s list of Christmas goodies, which began as promotional items that Sun reporters receive from People We Meet on the job. This exchange of goodwill and glad tidings and decorative snow globes is usually done so news of grand openings and book signings of People We Meet appears “above the fold” as they say in our business.

No can do, Mr. Publicity Guy or Gal. That wouldn’t be ethical.

But yes, we will accept the tokens of your appreciation, the expressions of your gratitude, the home games of Concentration and the other lovely parting gifts that come out of your company’s massive advertising budgets. We’ll enter them in our auction, let our readers bid on them and use the cash to teach kids arts and crafts and the words to campfire songs through the auspices of the Sun Camp Fund.

Now where the heck are those piping pipers? Here are a few of the possibilities we pulled out at random.

Flip-Flip Navidad. Item Nos. 6 & 7. You can wish the special one on your list a Merry Christmas from the bottom of your foot with these men’s size 11 “Jersey Boy” flip-flops that say “Walk Like a Man” and “Sing in a Falsetto Like Frankie Valli.”

Let It Coal! Let It Coal! Let it Coal! Item No. 8. A 95th anniversary collector’s edition of a small piece of Titanic coal in a small gift box. Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and a hunk a hunk of burning anthracite.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Terry Fator’s Act. Item No. 21. If Winston the Turtle could talk, he’d probably do an impression of Terry Fator, the ventriloquist. He’d tell you to bid on this stuffed animal/puppet.

God Rest Ye Merry Power Bills. Item No. 31. You can plug the Kill A Watt into any appliance and the large LCD readout will show the power consumption by the kilowatt-hour, just like the NV Energy meter reader. Only your dog won’t bark.

Barack Obama Is Coming to Town. Item No. 34. And you’ll be ready for him if you can put together this commemorative 1,000-piece “Yes We Can” jigsaw puzzle. Of course, if you can’t locate the tricky end pieces, your puzzle could very well read “No I Can’t.”

O Come All Ye Faithful Monsters and Aliens. Item No. 52. While I have never seen a football with an eye on it, this might be a way for the Chicago Bears’ Jay Cutler to cut down on his interceptions. There also are playing cards with monsters on them — do three wolfmen beat a full house? — and a white tennis-sized rubber ball that says Intru 3D in purple letters, which is probably more information than you need.

Armani in a Manger. Item No. 60. Actually, it’s Giorgio Armani makeup in a mirrored black compact. The Sienna Minerals Palette includes an allover blush of sun-splashed colors including sandy cooper, sienna red and a deep reddish-brown glow. Sort of sounds like something Jackson Pollock might throw at a piece of canvas.

Holly Jolly Hendrix. Item No. 67. ’Scuse me while I kiss the sky ... and bid on this Jimi Hendrix & the Soft Machine with the Electric Flag and Blue Cheer poster. Which way to Max Yasgur’s farm, man? Bamboo curtain and black light not included.

Grandma Got Run Over by a Little Pony Figure. Item No. 75. Actually, Grandma appeared to have position, but the Mountain West Conference official thought her feet were moving and whistled her for a blocking foul. Other than the rainbow hair, this little pony figure looks just like the nag I bet on in the Preakness.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year for a McDonald’s Coffee. Item No. 80. So that’s two coupons for a free small or medium hot or iced McCafe coffee, a matching old-fashioned alarm clock and a matching keychain. Want fries with that?

I Saw Rachael Ray Kissing Santa Claus. Item No. 85. She was trying to trade her book of takeout recipes for a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a warm glass of milk but The Big Guy was having none of it.

Good Pen Wenceslas. Item No. 104. This black Parker pen with the NV Energy logo in a black gift box is the perfect instrument for writing a letter of complaint to the toy manufacturer after GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip goes ballistic on the Cabbage Patch kids for not staying off his lawn.

Wayner Wonderland. The Wayne Newton fan on your list will say Danke Schoen if you make the winning bid on this Mr. Las Vegas XL T-shirt.