NHL cleans up for Vegas awards show

By Ron Kantowski (contact)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 | 2 a.m.

In 1892, or thereabouts, Lord Walter Stanley purchased a decorative silver bowl, forged in Sheffield, England, by London silversmith G.R. Collis and Co., for $48.67 that would become the most famous trophy in pro sports.

It costs $504, not including the Ticketmaster service charge, to attend tonight’s NHL Awards Show at the Palms.

But you can get Stan Mikita’s autograph — as well as those of a bunch of other guys with gaptoothed grins — on the red carpet beginning at 3 p.m. today for absolutely nothing.

If you’re kin to Warren Buffett or one of those sheiks from Saudi Arabia and can afford to pay your way inside the ropes, you may get to hear Chaka Khan sing “The Zamboni Song.” And comments such as these:

• “It costs $504 to get in? Hey, this is just like a real NHL game.”

• “Which one is Gretzky?”

• “This chicken sort of tastes like the octopus they throw on the ice in Detroit.”

• “Wake me up when Commissioner Bettman’s done talking.”

• “Any chance I can trade my dessert for a Tim Horton’s honey cruller?”

• “With every goalie in the league in Las Vegas this weekend, it might take Wade Belak only two shifts to light the lamp.”

• “I hope that swirly thing in the bean dip isn’t a strand of Chris Simon’s hair.”

• “I’ll bet Denis Leary is here somewhere.”

• “It’s official: The Phoenix Coyotes are moving to Istanbul, where they miss hockey.”

• “I didn’t know that Tie Domi and Lady Byng were even dating.”

• “I sure hope nobody invited that Borat guy.”

• “I’ll bet Gordie Howe could still whip anybody in this room with one hand tied behind his back.”

• “I think Eric Godard just broke the Art Ross Trophy.”

• “Alex Ovechkin and Penn & Teller are out in the lobby doing hat tricks.”

• “Jacques Demers just told Guy Carbonneau to have Kerry Fraser check the curve in those salad forks.”

• “Snoop Dogg’s in the crease ... with a 40-ounce.”

• “Somebody tell those female fans from Saskatoon that the playoffs are over and they should shave those beards.”

• “And here I thought Rusty Wallace looked uncomfortable in a tuxedo.”

• “The Zamboni just dropped ice shavings all over the red carpet.”

• “Robin Thicke’s hair was just sent off for interference.”

• “The Awards Show is only three minutes old and Sidney Crosby’s already got a couple of assists.”

• “Man, I sure hope Sally Field isn’t one of the presenters this year.”

• “Somebody said they saw Paris Hilton making out with the Maple Leafs’ checking line.”

• “Who does Gretzky’s wife like for the Vezina Trophy?”

• “I wonder if they’re going to let Wanda Sykes say a few words.”

• “Uh-oh. The Hanson Brothers have arrived and they brought their toys.”

• “And the winner of the Calder Memorial Trophy is ... ‘Slumdog Millionaire’!”

• “If Sean Avery returns to the carving station for another piece of prime rib, and they put too much horseradish on it, would you call it ‘sloppy seconds’? ”

• “This thing is dragging on way too long. Somebody call Pat LaFontaine.”