Jon Ralston:

What might happen should Jim Gibbons visit the C Street gang

Sunday, July 19, 2009 | 2:01 a.m.

Just another day at the C Street complex, where one of the residents, John Ensign, has brought a special guest to see The Family.

After pushing the secret code to enter the hallowed house, Sen. Ensign and his gray-haired friend stroll into the living room. A handful of Family members are huddled around a television, watching a DVD of “The Sopranos” and wearing “Christian Guys Have More Fun” T-shirts.

“I love this episode,” Ensign says as he walks in. “Tony Soprano knew about secrecy. He knew how to run a family.”

“Who’s your friend, John?” says Tom Coburn, the senator and OB/GYN from Oklahoma.

“This is Jim Gibbons, the governor of Nevada,” Ensign replies.

“May God be with you,” comes the couch chorus.

“I need a lot of help from the Lord — and from you,” Gibbons replies. “I told my staff to tell the media that I went to Afghanistan, but I really needed to come here.”

“Better than our old friend Mark Sanford’s story about the Appalachian Trail,” one member chuckles.

“It’s all right to lie to the press and your staff,” Ensign says, putting his arm around Gibbons. “We are answerable only to The Family and to God.”

“Amen,” the couch chorus says.

“Before we start, I need to do something,” Coburn says. “Jim, I understand you have been feeling sick in the morning and your ankles are swollen.”

“Well, uh ...” Gibbons begins, before Ensign jabs him.

“Why, yes, doctor,” Gibbons says quickly.

“Well, sounds like you might be pregnant, so I invoke doctor-patient confidentiality for everyone here,” Coburn says with a smile.

“See how easy that is?” Ensign says to Gibbons, then, turning to the group, says, “Shall we start with the usual prayer before Jim tells us why he has come?”

“You lead us, John,” Coburn says. “It’s only appropriate.”

“Let us pray,” Ensign says, dropping to his knees. “Let us pray that if any of us stray from our marriages, we don’t get caught. And if we do, let us pray the husband doesn’t do what Doug Hampton did. Amen.”

“King David had it right,” one member says. “Have an affair with the wife and then kill the husband. That way there is no tell-all interview.”

“Now, now,” another says. “Why have you come here, Governor?”

Ensign jumps in. “Jim came here seeking help, but I realized he can help us, too.”

Gibbons declares, “I need to know what to do about staying in office. I know you gentlemen understand this is a higher calling and we are accountable only to God. But the public doesn’t always get that. John does. Like me, he’ll do anything to keep his job. So what do I do? It cost John only 96 grand. It’s going to cost me a lot more than that with Dawn, and I don’t have any rich parents to pay off these women I’ve been seeing. What if they — or their husbands — start talking?”

“What religion are you, Governor?” one Family man says.

“I’m a Mormon who drinks wine and cavorts with women,” Gibbons replies.

“See,” Ensign says, “I told you he was our kind of guy.”

Another Family member chimes in. “Governor, do what we counseled John to do. Just talk about tax-and-spend liberals, keep your head down, and God will show you the way.”

Gibbons wonders, “To reelection?”

“Have faith,” another couch Christian says.

Ensign then motions to Gibbons and says, “Jim also has some tips for us.”

“Indeed I do,” Gibbons says. “You guys need to work on your explanations. For instance, some jerk actually photographed me with one of my lady friends in a parking lot. It looked like I was embracing her, but I just told the media she was in distress so I was comforting her. Made me look very Christian, I thought.”

“Genius!” the Christian couch chorus cries.

“Oh, there’s more,” Ensign says. “Tell them, Jim.”

Gibbons smiles and continues. “So I got texting one of my (here he does air quotes) ‘friends’ and it looked pretty bad. Hundreds of text messages. So I told them I was consulting her on my policies and about my dogs.”

“Genius!” the Christian couch chorus cries again.

“So I can join then?” Gibbons says.

“You have all the qualities we look for in a Family member,” Ensign says. “You are welcome anytime.”

“Great,” Gibbons gushes. “Can we celebrate at the bar? I’m sure John knows where the action is.”

“Now that’s a spirit that could move me,” one Family member says.

“I could get used to this kind of Christian life,” Gibbons says.

“Amen, Brother Gibbons,” comes the Family chorus.

Jon Ralston hosts the news discussion program “Face to Face With Jon Ralston” on Las Vegas ONE and publishes the daily e-mail newsletter “RalstonFlash.com.” His column for the Las Vegas Sun appears Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.

Discussion: 20 comments so far…

By Fccfirstclass

7/19/09 at 4:18 a.m.

Suggest removal

Jon, you are on the correct tract here.
By mred

7/19/09 at 6:23 a.m.

Suggest removal

They should preform an exorcism of Dawn Gibbons, after all she is Backing Harry Reid, who is no doubt the "antichrist."
By Treeske

7/19/09 at 6:50 a.m.

Suggest removal

Great way to expose these Tyrants in the making!
By Ds_Gentle_Master

7/19/09 at 7:14 a.m.

Suggest removal

Where can I go for a refund of my last two minutes? - I stopped reading halfway through.

This Ralston guy has always been a laughing stock around Las Vegas. Long time Ralston watchers laugh at his obsession with looking for a unique word to use in print.

You'll notice he's never good enough to use those words in person or on his show.

He seeks them out. Joker.

Gosh, another Liberal with a press credential that helped the "American Idol" candidate win the Presidency.
By mamabear

7/19/09 at 7:18 a.m.

Suggest removal

Bravo!
By Treeske

7/19/09 at 7:32 a.m.

Suggest removal

Gentle &bear,- Don't want to hear the news? attack the news provider! And Gentle, -find help to master your ADD, so you might read to the end!
By benighse

7/19/09 at 9:37 a.m.

Suggest removal

Frat Boys Gone Wild----video to be released later on the news!
By onslo

7/19/09 at 10:36 a.m.

Suggest removal

Jon, every now and then you outdo yourself. Today's column is one of those times. Brilliant!
By scorpiogal

7/19/09 at 11:37 a.m.

Suggest removal

Win!
By howdydostu

7/19/09 at 2:13 p.m.

Suggest removal

I was more than willing to give our Senator a pass until these revalations about this house on C Street started to be made public.
There are times when, we the people call our Senators offices regarding issues which may be near and dear to us. And we don't always expect the Senator to agree with our positions. When calling Senator Ensign's office I always found his staff to be very courteous, good listeners, and left me with the feeling that our Senator was willing to take ALL comments into consideration before making up his mind on any particular issue. That is his job.
I feel betrayed. Our Senator has no mind of his own.
He is a Stepford Senator, pre-progammed and open to nobody elses ideas or opinions.
These people who live at C Street revel in a privilege bestowed upon them from G-d. They can commit adulterous affairs, commit heinous crimes and all will be forgiven by G-d almighty because these particular Senators and congessmen, Democrat and Republican, who live and work at C Street don't have to answer to anybody but themselves.
They care nothing about health care. Their fervent religiocity prohibits it. Stem cell research that can help people inflicted with disease, denied by them. A pre-emptive war declared by them, a "crusade" so labled by President Bush which has spent our country out of monies that could have been spent far more wisely on our needs here at home. Taxpayer money, our hard earned dollars funneled to Vice President Cheney's former companies. The Ensign crowd.
Our Senator is a robot, not a representitive. And if C Street "family" has provided him with cover, so be it. It's expected of this cult. If his blood family, however, structured transactions as a payoff for the Senator's illegal, illicit and hypocritical behavior he should go to jail.
Stuart & Robert Wyman-Cahall
Las Vegas, NV 89142
By GABESTA535

7/19/09 at 2:34 p.m.

Suggest removal

Good stuff Jon. Laughter is the only way to cover up the sad fact that these two are publicly elected officials from our great state. It'll be alot funnier when they are no longer in office. However Nevada has historically been more tolerant of shady behavior by its politicians than most other states (Key Pittman).These two make Harry Reid look like a saint.
By JLOKC

7/19/09 at 2:49 p.m.

Suggest removal

I've just spent the last 2 hours catching up on "Face to Face", so please understand I am a fan. But, this is beneath Jon Ralston & the Pulitzer Prize winning paper he works for. I'm not saying it's untrue, only that it is more fun and satisfying to watch Sen. Coburn & Steve Largent, et. al. run themselves into the ditch on their own, of which they are doing an exceptional job.
By Cradle_Of_Liberty

7/19/09 at 8:09 p.m.

Suggest removal

Art Buchwald Lives...
Thanks Ralston for a bit of Mort Sahl in my Sunday .....ivy league shines....beneath Ralston and the paper ???.....what a clown to say something like that....keep it coming John...THANKS
By Stratos

7/20/09 at 5:15 a.m.

Suggest removal

"I'm a Mormon who drinks wine and cavorts with women," Gibbons replies.

Maybe, it's time for LDS elders to summon Gov. Gibbons to SLC for some serious rehab?
By dipstick

7/20/09 at 5:38 a.m.

Suggest removal

ralston brings out the best from the right wing nuts and he tries to educate people on the local scene; you may not agree with him but at least he's not goose stepping w/ gibbons.
By skerlahdee

7/20/09 at 1:09 p.m.

Suggest removal

You can't make this stuff up. Truth stranger than fiction.
By Bertsos

7/20/09 at 1:12 p.m.

Suggest removal

Shows what a bunch of nut cases the GOP trots out for office.
By henderson

7/20/09 at 1:42 p.m.

Suggest removal

Ditto ds.gentlemaster,

There's a few minutes of my life I'll never get back. This was truly one of the dumbest articles I've ever read. Apparently there's no criteria to be printed in the Sun.
By gmag39

7/20/09 at 8:59 p.m.

Suggest removal

gentlemaster & henderson...
Don't worry, Obamacare will get you those precious minutes back. Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Must suck not to have a sense of humor.
Good stuff, Jon!
By larry5

7/20/09 at 9:23 p.m.

Suggest removal

Yawn.