Introducing the all-baseball movie starting lineup

By Ron Kantowski

Tuesday, July 7, 2009 | 2 a.m.

While watching the Major League Baseball all-star game selection show (?!?) on TV Sunday afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that I no longer have much interest in watching Zack Greinke pitch to Albert Pujols, even if home field in the World Series is riding on the outcome.

This is what I get for not being a kid anymore.

However, I would pay Yankee Stadium box seat prices to watch Charlie Sheen plunk Richard Pryor in the rib cage with an errant fastball.

If the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had a baseball all-star ballot, this is what mine might look like:

Left field: Anthony Perkins as Jim Piersall in “Fear Strikes Out” (1957): Perkins threw like your mother (unless your mother is Geena Davis) but his portrayal of Piersall, a real-life ballplayer who began his career as a center fielder but played all three outfield positions while battling mental demons, was profoundly haunting.

Center field: Jackie Earle Haley as Kelly Leak in “The Bad News Bears” (1976): Haley covered more ground than Garry Maddox, the old Phillies’ center fielder. Plus, he was only 12.

Right field: Barry Pepper as Roger Maris in “61*” (2001): Not only did Pepper look like the spittin’ image of Maris, he swung the bat like him, too. One of his movie home runs was actually the real deal.

Third base: Corbin Bernsen as Roger Dorn in “Major League” (1989): Bernsen played third base the way Arnold Becker, his character in “L.A. Law,” might have played it — awkwardly. But he looked better in an Indians uniform than Jim Thome.

Shortstop: John Cusack as Buck Weaver in “Eight Men Out” (1988): Weaver played both third base and shortstop for the 1919 Black Sox but his natural position was shortstop. Plus, for some reason, there aren’t a lot of movie shortstops.

Second base: Frank Sinatra as Dennis Ryan in “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” (1949): Ol’ Blue Eyes’ double-play partner in this movie was Gene Kelly. And you thought Ryne Sandberg could dance around second base.

First base: Gary Cooper as Lou Gehrig in “Pride of the Yankees” (1942): They had to flop the negative so Cooper appeared to bat and throw left-handed, like the real Iron Horse. This one still makes me cry.

Catcher: Kevin Costner as Crash Davis in “Bull Durham” (1988): If Susan Sarandon was my leading lady, I would believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days, too.

Pitcher: Kevin Costner as Billy Chapel in “For Love of the Game” (1999): I wanted so badly to hand the ball to Ray Milland as Professor Vernon K. Simpson/King Kelly in 1949’s “It Happens Every Spring.” But the temptation of having an all-Costner battery simply was too great to resist.

Designated hitter: Robert Redford as Roy Hobbs in “The Natural” (1984): Redford knocked down stadiums with his prodigious home runs. You gotta find a place in the lineup for a guy like that.

Manager: Paul Douglas as Guffy McGovern in “Angels in the Outfield” (1951): They’ve redone this movie about 78 times but the original is still the best, owing to Douglas’ jaunty portrayal of the potty-mouthed skipper of the lowly Pirates.

Pitching coach: Robert Wuhl as Larry Hockett in “Bull Durham” (1988): “OK, well, uh ... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she’s registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. OK, let’s get two! Go get ’em.”

Third-base coach: Tom Hanks as Jimmy Dugan in “A League of Their Own” (1992): There’s no crying in baseball, even when Rosie O’Donnell strikes out with the bases loaded.

First-base coach: Walter Matthau as Morris Buttermaker in “The Bad News Bears”” (1976): Proponent of the “cool Carl Paranski shift.”

Umpire: Leslie Nielsen as Lt. Frank Drebin in “The Naked Gun” (1988): “It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.”

Baseball sage with a voice like thunder: James Earl Jones as Terence “Terry” Mann in “Field of Dreams.” People will come, Ray. Especially if James Earl Jones is making an allegorical speech about baseball.

Bullpen:

• Tatum O’Neal as Amanda Whurlitzer in “Bad News Bears” (1976).

• Ronald Reagan as Grover Cleveland Alexander in “The Winning Team” (1952).

• Dan Dailey as Dizzy Dean in “The Pride of St. Louis” (1952).

• Dennis Quaid as Jim Morris in “The Rookie” (2002).

• Michael Moriarty as Henry “Author” Wiggen in “Bang the Drum Slowly” (1973).

• Billy Dee Williams as Bingo Long in “The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings” (1976).

• Tim Robbins as Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh in “Bull Durham” (1988).

• Charlie Sheen as Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in “Major League” (1989).

• James Stewart as Monty Stratton in “The Stratton Story” (1949).

Bench:

• Richard Pryor as Charlie Snow, Carlos Nevada and Chief Takahoma in “The Bingo Long Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings” (1976)

• Robert De Niro as Bruce Pearson in “Bang the Drum Slowly” (1973).

• Chris Barnes as Tanner Boyle in “Bad News Bears” (1976).

• Geena Davis as Dottie Hinson in “A League of Their Own” (1992).

• Wesley Snipes as either Bobby Rayburn in “The Fan” (1996) or Willie Mays Hayes in “Major League” (1989).

• Madonna as Mae Mordabito in “A League of Their Own” (1992).

Placed on irrevocable waivers:

• William Bendix as Babe Ruth in “The Babe Ruth Story” (1948).