Obama’s in, so they’re coming to Vegas

By Brendan Buhler

Monday, Jan. 5, 2009 | 2 a.m.

NEWS ITEM: Out of power on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue and mostly out of favor on K Street, many emasculated elephants in the GOP herd will begin the Age of Obama with what amounts to an extended holiday vacation ... “What better way to mark the Obama Inauguration (and his millions of adoring fans that will be in D.C.) than to get out of town to fabulous Las Vegas!” Charlie Spies, a Republican lawyer and former CFO to Mitt Romney’s campaign, wrote in a blast e-mail to GOP friends.

— from Politico.com

Finally, good news for Vegas!

Oh, Republicans, you and us, we had a bad 2008. In Vegas, we saw foreclosed houses grow thick as flies on an overturned seafood truck and watched our tourism revenue drop like a hot rock through Jell-O. You, of course, were blamed by an ungrateful public for misadventure abroad and economic ruin at home and then hurled out of the executive branch like a hobo off a freight train and now the Other Guy’s poll numbers are ... Oh, sorry.

There, there, baby. Come to mama Vegas.

At times like this, we need each other. You, for instance, could use a good bender and a chance to feel like a winner. We could use your money.

So, professional Republicans, consider this our invitation to come paint the town red. As a demonstration of our goodwill, we present a guide for Republicans in Vegas.

Where to stay

The Venetian and the Palazzo are probably your first choices, owned as they are by Sheldon Adelson, a generous donor to Republicans and formerly America’s third richest man (he’s number 15 now — times are tough). Plus, the properties are nonunion, so you won’t have to worry about your sheets being contaminated with collective bargaining.

Although it’s not like you would be ideologically uncomfortable anywhere on the Strip, as casino executives tend to donate to Republicans. The only exception isn’t really an exception — Steve Wynn’s wife may have been a big Obama supporter, but Mr. Wynn backed McCain. (Although the decor at the Wynn and Encore? It’s a bit continental, a bit, uh, French.)

Entertainment

The Cirque shows are very good (almost all of them, anyway — as for Chris Angel’s Believe, well, you’ve already had a tough year) but there are these cautionary two words to consider: French-Canadian.

There’s always politically incorrect comedian Bobby Slayton at Hooter’s. He’s not afraid to tell an ethnic joke.

During the Day

Why not take an ATV ride at Mount Charleston, ON the dunes outside Nellis or just in the desert? Do it now before meddling regulators toughen emissions standards or wildlife protection. Or, if you prefer the water, rent a jet ski on Lake Mead.

Also, be sure to stop in and shoot a machine gun or three at The Gun Store on Tropicana Avenue. The guns are varied and so are the paper’s targets. Now’s your chance to bag (an) Osama bin Laden.

Where to eat

Well, Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar & Grill (inside Harrah’s) is very Red America in tastes and clientele, although Keith himself is an Obama-supporting Democrat, so maybe not. How about the Harley Davidson Cafe?

Oh, heck. The election’s over. Stop slumming. Get a nice steak at N9ne, have caviar on your pizza at Spago or try the lobster pot pie at Nobhill Tavern. Sure, it’s San Francisco-themed, but it’s in Vegas. We would never tell on you.

Where to party

Nightclub-wise, Pure, Tao and LAX are pretty hot, but you’ll fit in at any club so long as you buy a bottle.

Or did you mean “party?”

Well, the brothels in Pahrump are perfectly legal. Of course, considering the tastes involved in certain, uh, scandals, you might want to stay here, where the working girls aren’t necessarily girls ...

Did we say we would never tell on you? We would also never judge you.