Gibbons shares his secrets

By Jon Ralston

Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2008 | 2:01 a.m.

News item: Gov. Jim Gibbons will host the 2008 Seminar for New Governors in late November. The seminar “helps governors-elect prepare for life as their state’s chief executive,” the National Governors Association announced. Gibbons says he found the 2006 version “to be an invaluable experience.”

I can see the workshops now:

• Understand Your Own Agenda: In this session, Gibbons explains to the new governors that they should try to become familiar with their agendas before they put them out for public consumption. Gibbons chuckles as he relates how he proposed something called “empowerment schools” in his State of the State. “Immediately afterward, I realized I had no idea what I was talking about, so I decided to attend a seminar myself to see what I had just proposed,” Gibbons lectures the incoming chief executives. “In hindsight, I see that was a bad move.”

• Hell Hath No Fury Like a First Lady Scorned: In this brief breakout session, Gibbons explains how he would have rethought his decision to file for divorce while in office. “Maybe the timing wasn’t so good because she had stood by me when I was caught partying with that woman, Ms. Mazzeo,” Gibbons says. “I should have just let Dawn stay in the little cottage on the mansion grounds so I could live the life I wanted.”

• They Keep Records of Texts — Who Knew? In this new-technology session, Gibbons explains to the governors-to-be that government cell phone plans might keep track of text messages. “So if you have a girlfriend — or should I say a friend who is a girl — use a private phone,” Gibbons says. “If you don’t, the media will inevitably request the records and make a big deal out of hundreds of texts in a few weeks between a man and a woman who isn’t his wife. And if you are caught, don’t say you were talking about pets or tax policy. In hindsight, that sounds really stupid.”

• Any Cliche in a Storm: In this damage-control session, Gibbons explains that he has tried staff shake-ups, actually being accessible and working eight-hour days but that he has found refuge in a limited lexicon. “My safe harbor has been ‘no new taxes,’ ” Gibbons says. “But find your own. Tell them you are just trying to make government run more like a business. Or that you won’t put your hand in their pockets. The less you say — and do, for that matter — the better. I have just been indiscriminately cutting the budget, for example. No real thought because that would involve studying and prioritizing. Who needs that?”

• Don’t Keep All Your Appointments: In this seminar on the evanescence of loyalty, Gibbons tells the new state helmsmen to be careful whom they appoint to state jobs. “I basically listened to a lot of different people — my wife, my Reno cronies, my campaign guys,” Gibbons explains. “But we didn’t vet a lot of the people and some of them were disasters. So I had to get rid of some of them. But there are still a lot I appointed without knowing much, so I cross my fingers every day hoping that nothing bad happens.”

• All Hat and No Cattle: In this groundbreaking discussion of ethics, Gibbons tells the newly elected politicians that right and wrong are not up to anyone but them to decide. “I applied for an agricultural tax break on some retirement land,” he begins. “Some say I shouldn’t have done it, but I am still a citizen, too. Who cares if it didn’t look good? I have done plenty of things that didn’t look good. But here’s a hint: Just set up a secret legal defense fund and put the arm on folks. Some jerk in the media discovered mine, but I am still pouring thousands into it from my pals and people who are afraid of my power.”

• Always Remember You Are Still the Governor: In this seminar, Gov. Gibbons explains that no matter how embarrassing your behavior, no matter how empty your policy proposals, no matter how inane your statements, you still hold the highest elected office in the state. The Gibbons credo: “Recalls are so difficult in any state law — and there are few Terminators available in most places — you are insulated unless you actually commit a felony. Or unless you commit a felony and they find out. You can pretty much get away with anything because people don’t pay attention and they hate the media. So just do what you want and have a good time. I’m still governor, aren’t I?”