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Reporting’s just not that alluring

A list that only Vegas could do justice to: ‘The 12 Sexiest Jobs’ in town

Las Vegas Sun file

Dancers perform in the vampire review “Bite” at the Stratosphere.

Thursday, Sept. 4, 2008 | 2 a.m.

The other night, while waiting for the guiltiest pleasure, called “The Hills,” I chanced upon a TV show called “The 12 Sexiest Jobs in Las Vegas.”

Of course I had to see what that was all about. Maybe, just maybe, someone was finally going to focus on some offbeat, uncliched, not-so-obvious facet of this place.

Maybe I would discover that my own job is one of the sexiest in town. People used to think the media were sexy, am I right? Woodward & Bernstein = hot, correct? Judith Miller? Rrrrroooowwwwlllllrrrrrrr.

OK, not so much.

But let’s get right to it. You want to know if you’re doing one of these dozen h-o-t jobs, or how to get one. So here they are, as chosen by the E! cable channel:

12. The women of the vampire revue “Bite”: “The most reasonably priced topless vampire show in Las Vegas.”

11. UFC octagon girls: Reassuring male audiences of their heterosexuality while they watch good-looking near-naked men hugging each other till they bleed.

10. “Stripper 101” instructor: No stripper left behind. Curriculum: stripper walk, lap dance, floor walk and pole tricks.

9. Acrobats of “Zumanity”: A celebration of diversity, “whether you like man-on-man or woman-on-man action.”

8. Mood director of TAO Beach: The Julie McCoy of a beached “Love Boat.”

7. “X Burlesque” dancers: 14 hours a week for $50,000 a year.

6. Flair bartenders: “We’re hot chicks with energy — and we’re getting you wasted.”

5. Wedding chapel aerialists: Your wedding night is just gonna be a letdown.

4. “Thunder From Down Under” dancers: Since when do we need to import shirtless meatheads?

3. Rio Secco golf course T-mate caddies: “I do tricks for birdies, and special tricks for eagles.”

2. Grand Crazy Horse Paris dancers: Reversing the worth of the U.S. dollar, French dancers can earn 30 percent more in Vegas.

1. Playboy Club bunnies: Restoring and maintaining an American tradition.

Sorry, meth dealers, phone marketers, street corner sign-holders, clicking people who try to hand you “Live girls delivered to your room” fliers. You didn’t make the cut. But I promise you’re near the top of another list of Vegas jobs.

Anyway, no surprises on E!’s “12 sexiest jobs” list. But it would be silly to complain about the superficial stuff on an hourlong infomercial for the tourism industry.

This is not to knock the high-profile Strip performers. Who doesn’t appreciate a good flair bartender? Our unclad entertainers work as hard for their money as they do for their abs. And they’re our neighbors.

But if you’ve lived here for a while, it starts to rankle when you realize this is the only way most people envision Las Vegas — as a bottomless pit of topless hotties, a mostly naked city.

I should know. I held that view until moving here eight months ago.

Anyway, the E! show’s employment listing got me thinking. I’m no network programming genius, but maybe viewers would be titillated by an expose of a more exotic and unexpected — even underground — aspect of Las Vegas. A side of Sin City no one dares speak of.

Exposed — the lenient librarians of Las Vegas!

The 10 kindest cashiers in Henderson!

The good Samaritans of Summerlin!

Book clubs! Volunteers! Little League coaches! Drivers who use their turn signals!

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t watch it, either.

But hey, E! network: I’ve got a million ideas. Have your people call my people.