LAS VEGAS SUN

An ornament depicting the first White House Christmas tree, with pamphlet.

By Ron Kantowski (contact)

Fri, Nov 28, 2008 (2 a.m.)

If you see a big guy in a red suit coming down your chimney unannounced on Christmas Eve you could ...

• Hit him over the head with a glass decanter with tiny seashells and sand at the bottom. The top has a cork for closure and the front has a small navy blue plastic log that says Lands’ End (item No. 57).

• Scare the bejeezus out of him with a clown figurine sporting a large bow tie on a green felt base (No. 66). Never underestimate the creepiness factor.

• Show him something from Giorgio Armani’s Crystal Collections palette; a limited edition jeweled case is this season’s must-have, double-level compact, glittered with Swarovski crystals in a black velvet pouch. The upper level contains four shimmering eye-shadow shades, ranging from silver to gold, and the bottom holds an iridescent body powder in a versatile neutral shade. Retail value $98 (No. 178).

Yes, it’s that time of the year again. Time to wade through ponderous catalog descriptions written by starving screenwriters and playwrights — “the season’s must-have double-level compact” ... where do they come up with this stuff? And, cutting to the chase, to bid on the myriad items entered in this year’s 11th annual Las Vegas Sun Holiday Auction.

During the year the Sun receives billions and billions of items — OK, more like a couple of hundred — from people who have access to huge advertising and promotional budgets and a mandate to spend every last penny. This is what commonly is referred to as “swag.”

We don’t accept swag at the Sun. We share it with you in return for a donation that will enable a lot of children to learns arts and crafts and the words to campfire songs via the Sun Camp Fund.

This year, there are 211 fantastic items from which to choose. Actually, better make that 210. Item No. 207 is a 24-Hour Fitness exercise mat, and exercise and the holidays have never gone together, at least not at my house.

But if William Conrad, TV’s “Cannon,” isn’t on your list, here are some fantastic alternative choices you may want to consider:

• Item No. 152. Green iPod Nano by Apple. Comes with instruction booklet, white earphones, clip and USB cord that goes into computer port. All items are issued in a 3-by-6-inch redwood burr on walnut case. Retail price without the redwood burr starts at $149. And you know how expensive redwood burr can be, especially during the holidays. As an added bonus, the iPod comes preloaded with an absinthe video. You know what they say: Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (But in the morning, it just makes your head hurt.)

• Item No. 185. “We Wish You a Metal Xmas and a Headbanging New Year,” a new CD from Armoury Records featuring artists such as Alice Cooper, Ronnie James Dio, Dave Grohl, Tommy Iommi, Lemmy Kilmister, Steve Lukather and George Lynch. Dave Grohl? How did the Foo Fighters’ front man get on board with that motley crue — er, crew? Maybe it was the absinthe talking.

• Item No. 197. “Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.” This CD is the official antidote for item No. 185 — as well as absinthe and George Thorogood’s “One Bourbon, One Scotch and One Beer.”

• Item No. 198. 15 historic postcards from in and around Boulder City. Although I’m certain Hoover Dam is included in all its majesty and glory, I’m not sure whether the Jack In The Box at 1101 Nevada Highway made the final cut.

• Item No. 211. Marble Coasters. Not to be confused with Cornell Gunter’s Coasters, whom I once saw at Vacation Village. No, the Marble Coasters are a set of four drink coasters honoring Las Vegas’ past. They are carved from Fine Italian Botticino Marble, which, I’m told, is even better than Fine Corinthian Leather. No word yet on whether there will be a matching set of Marble Platters.

I could go on and on ... but then you’d have less time for making your bidding list and checking it twice.

Check the Sun’s Web site for a complete list of items. Bidding closes Dec. 12.

So as they say in Indianapolis, “Ladies (Sarah Fisher bobblehead doll, item No. 204) and gentlemen, start your engines!”

Er, let the action begin.