Buy now; you’ll want this stuff someday

saxo-archive

Wednesday, Jan. 2, 2008 | midnight

With the caucuses and primaries and mega-super-incredible-wow primaries coming up, the next few weeks are your last chance to buy campaign merchandise when it's plentiful and untainted by failure. Of course, it's failure that can transform a hated candidate's gewgaws into retro fun. For instance, a Tom Tancredo button can seem funny and almost lovable when it's for sale only on eBay (if you can find it at all). And the effect gets better over time. Imagine the ironic cool you could project if only you had a Mondale '84 T-shirt. Let's take a look at the campaign swag that will suddenly be campy cool if these candidates meet ignominious defeat.

-- Brendan Buhler

REPUBLICANS

Rudy Giuliani

“Sportsmen for Rudy” baseball cap, in olive drab with orange and white text, $19.95

Right now it's merely ridiculous, but if Rudolph W. Giuliani loses, it will be comedy gold to imagine that people who identify politically as hunters were asked to vote for a pro-gun-control opera-lover from pushy New York City.

John McCain

“Faith of My Fathers” DVD, $50

Whether or not McCain wins, going through his campaign to buy a dramatization of his memoir is funny, but a sad kind of funny. There are only two possible explanations: You're such a sucker you paid $50 for a DVD you could have bought on Amazon.com for $12.95. Or you wanted to give $50 to McCain but just didn't think it was worth it unless you got a submediocre made-for-basic-cable-TV movie out of it.

Mitt Romney

Red foam baseball mitt that says “Mitt '08,” $7

Romney is just setting himself up for awful baseball metaphors here. Mitt couldn't catch it, campaign fouls out, no joy in Mittville, etc. Plus, can you imagine trying to snag a ball with a foam mitt? It'd be like eating with a rubber fork. But long after a Romney loss, this mitt will still exude a hokey charm.

Ron Paul

“Ron Paul for President 2008” blue mouse pad, $5

In the unlikely event that the libertarian congressman doesn't seize the White House, what better way to commemorate his rabid online support than with a mouse pad? OK, maybe a spam filter would be a good idea, too, but the campaign isn't selling one of those.

Mike Huckabee

“Chuck for Huck” Ringer T-shirt, $20.99

“Fact 2008,” it says, “Chuck Doesn't Endorse, He Tells You How It's Going to Be.” Chuck, of course, would be Chuck Norris, the famed martial arts expert and actor capable of, oh, several facial expressions. Norris is already kitschy cool with college kids, but a Chuck Norris endorsement on a ringer T-shirt (so named for the colored rings around the neck and arm holes) is like a trip back to 1986.

DEMOCRATS

Hillary Clinton

“Hillary Cares About Me” piggy bank, in pink or blue, $7.50

There are many, many contenders in Hillary Clinton's online store. An ice scraper? A water bottle urging you to “Reuse, Recycle, Rethink”? And there's the somewhat disturbing button featuring a black and white photo of the former first lady and the words “I'm your girl.” Ultimately, though, the honors have to go to the little plastic figures that are meant to convey the candidate's interest in saving for America's children. But they do a much better job of suggesting an interest in moneyed swine.

BaraCk Obama

“Hope Obama '08” silicone bracelet, $4

Twenty -- heck, 10 years from now, people are going to look at old photos and wonder what on Earth they were thinking wearing stretchy plastic bracelets. 'Cause bracelets are this decade's mood ring. When you go to a retro party in a couple of decades, you'll be wearing one of these bracelets and a pair of Crocs.

John Edwards

“Tomorrow Begins Today” T-shirt, $17.75 (most sizes)

One can only imagine the rejected slogans: “The Future Is Now,” “Day Begins at Night,” “Cooking Starts in the Grocery Store,” or “There's a McDonald's Past the Next Exit.” But beyond the sheer up-with-people bromidic nature of this slogan, the logo includes a blue shooting star with a green smear behind it. If all you had to go on was this shirt, you might guess Edwards ran against Carter in '80.

Bill Richardson

“Bill Richardson for President” button, $1

It's the misprint that makes these collector's items. Get yours now before the corrected “Bill Richardson for Vice President” buttons arrive.

Dennis Kucinich

Palm Beach County Voting Machine, $219.95

Why anticipate '08 nostalgia when you can buy '00 memorabilia right now? The Kucinich campaign is selling these relics of the 2000 follies, which come complete with a replica ballot and “actual chads.” Or, if you must be of the moment, you can buy a “Dogs for Kucinich” doggie scarf with the slogan “Strength Through Peace” for only $8.95.