Gibbons shares his wisdom

By Jon Ralston

Friday, Dec. 12, 2008 | 2:01 a.m.

News item: Gov. Jim Gibbons says he will consolidate agencies and cut the size of government without eliminating any services.

You think it can’t be done?

Just listen in to a high-level staff meeting in the office of the man who holds the job formerly known as governor:

Gibbons: “So we’ve asked every agency for a 34 percent across-the-board cut next biennium. Some might think any monkey with a calculator could do that. But I’m no ordinary primate.”

Staffer: “That is so true, boss. So what are your ideas, Governor? We have cut a billion dollars out of the state budget this year. People are really hurting.”

Gibbons: “What people? (Chuckles) Democrats? Just kidding. As I have said, we can merge economic development and tourism. Those don’t do much of anything except keep the lieutenant governor occupied heading them. And (chuckles again), he has plenty to keep him occupied the next couple of years.”

Staffer: “But, Governor, economic development and tourism combined make up only $40 million a year. We have to get to $2.3 billion less than what we proposed two years ago to balance the budget.”

Gibbons: “Hey, it’s a start.”

Staffer: “But, Governor, why start with something outside what makes up 93 percent of the budget — human services, education and public safety? That’s where the meat is.”

Gibbons: “Duh. Because it sounds good. The rest is hard. Unless, of course, you are creative, as I am. I don’t get enough credit for my creativity. (Chuckles) Remember when I said I was doing all that texting to get advice on the tax structure? Who says I am not creative?”

Staffer: “Good point again, boss. So what else do you have in mind?”

Gibbons: “Glad you asked. Here’s my first great idea — I call it ‘Tough Love Teaching.’ Let’s combine corrections and K-12 — they take up $3 billion.”

Staffer: “What? Is that another joke, Governor?”

Gibbons: “Not at all.”

Staffer: “But how?”

Gibbons: “We have so many prisoners sitting around doing nothing. These are people who have been educated in the school of hard knocks. Why shouldn’t they have to teach kids every day? They are more qualified than most teachers. And think of all the teachers we could fire to do this — imagine the savings. Not to mention the capital costs of building one facility that could be a prison and school. It’s called vision, people.”

Staffer: “But, but, wouldn’t there be safety issues? Parents would go crazy.”

Gibbons: “Oh, please. They would have to buck up. Most kids today are mollycoddled. These prisoners would scare them so they would pay attention. And if there’s a little violence, if a kid or two gets hurt, that doesn’t seem like such a big sacrifice.”

Staffer: “I’m almost scared to ask: What else, Governor?”

Gibbons: “This one I call ‘The Road to Recovery.’ This would combine Health and Human Services with the DMV. We pay $2 billion for HHS and who knows what for DMV.”

Staffer: “But how does that make sense, Governor?”

Gibbons: “It’s obvious. I don’t know why someone didn’t think of it before. People still wait in line forever at the DMV. So why shouldn’t we offer line passes for people willing to become foster parents, too? We wouldn’t have to worry about background checks on them and I bet we’d get a lot more takers. And think of this: We could cut people off Medicaid if they fail their driver’s test. How much would that save? It’s genius, I tell you!”

Staffer: “But, but, Governor, DMV isn’t even funded by general fund dollars.”

Gibbons: “Oh, so what? Meaningless details. And bet you didn’t think of this: I call it ‘The Jim Rogers Revenge Plan.’ We merge higher ed and transportation. Let’s make the chancellor responsible for building roads and see how he likes that. And we could force those college kids to be on highway crews, too. How much do we save in personnel costs by firing all those people?”

Staffer: “But, Governor, this seems like mindless consolidation for the sake of consolidating.”

Gibbons: “Hello? Have you not been watching how we do things around here?”

Staffer: “But what about the long-term effect on the state?”

Gibbons: “Long-term effect? In a couple of years, I’ll be sipping wine and texting away in Lamoille, just tending to my livestock. Which reminds me: Let’s get rid of the wildlife department, too. Don’t need them bothering me in my golden years if I want to hunt on my property.”

Staffer: “Is that it, Governor?”

Gibbons: “Oh no. I have plenty more where these ideas came from.”

Staffer: “I was afraid you were going to say that.”