[End times] Apocalypse Vegas

Monday, Sept. 17, 2007 | 2:07 a.m.

With Resident Evil: Extinction (out this weekend) fictionally covering Vegas with sand dunes and some seriously miffed undead, we thought it best to get our data in order ...

A history of films that gleefully trashed the City of Sin

Movie: Honey, I Blew Up the Kid (1992)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Giant baby tosses giant Hard Rock guitar about after receiving giant shock.

Far-fetched factor: You’re telling me you can actually play that humongoid Les Paul?

Vegas destructo-meter rating (out of five): 2

Movie: Go (1999)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Hotel room broken into, set ablaze; Crazy Horse brawl and shootout.

Far-fetched factor: Buffet shrimp makes two characters sick? Never!

Vegas destructo-meter rating: 1.5

Movie: Mars Attacks! (1996)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Spaceship lasers and demolishes Landmark Casino.

Far-fetched factor: Apparently it wasn’t demolished enough, so Hollywood did it again at the end of 2003’s The Cooler.

Vegas destructo-meter rating: 3.5

Movie: Rush Hour 2 (2001)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Red Dragon Casino windows vandalized, shootout, bombing.

Far-fetched factor: Chris Tucker gives away his $10,000 Caesars winnings.

Vegas destructo-meter rating: 3

Movie: Con Air (1997)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Plane crashes into the Sands, overblown chase scene ensues.

Far-fetched factor: Nic Cage’s hair and Nic Cage’s Southern-fried accent (tie).

Vegas destructo-meter rating: 5

Movie: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

Scene of Vegas destruction: Sidewalk blocking (with car), stancheon-knocking-overing, hotel-room destruction, generally burning the locals, abusing the tourists, terrifying the help.

Far-fetched factor: “Two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.”

Vegas destructo-meter rating: Sadly, 1

•••••

Four signs the apocalypse is upon us

1. Demons cast into herd of Gadarene swine being trucked through town on the I-15; they immediately sue Britney Spears, alleging defamation of character from her “I look like a fat pig!” comment after her VMA performance.

2. Whore of Babylon signed to headliner gig at major casino; Hans Klok and Criss Angel collaborate on advising how to incorporate Seven-Headed Beast from Book of Revelation into the act. They explain: “Look, it was bad enough when Montecore got out of hand ...”

3. Jesus returns, changes water into wine at top Strip restaurant; storms out when charged the usual outrageous corkage fee.

4. Las Vegas’ increasingly rapid construction/destruction cycle finally collapses into a temporal black hole, with all new buildings imploded before being finished. Nobody minds.