The hottest jokes in town

Monday, July 9, 2007 | 7:13 a.m.

To comedians, the heat is a laughing matter.

The unbearable temperatures have not escaped the notice of some of our astute stand-up comics who put their own spin on the local weather.

While to most of us the heat is something to avoid, for professional funny men such as Louie Anderson, George Wallace and Lewis Black , it is a hot topic to be included in their acts.

The following is a sample of what you might hear sitting in an air conditioned showroom with some hot comics.

"It's so hot here that the devil left two days ago to go to Phoenix.

"It's a dry heat. All that means is you don't stink when you die."

"The good thing about playing golf in this weather is you have a chance of shooting under the temperature."

George Wallace at the Flamingo

"As my daddy would say, 'It's so hot they're feeding the chicken ice cubes so it won't lay hardboiled eggs.' "

"People are crazy here. The heat is breaking their brain. The finger in the chili the lady said she found at Wendy ' s in California? Everybody heard that nationwide. Where did the lady live? Right here in Las Vegas. But I knew it wasn't true when it first happened. You never found no meat in that chili."

"The entertainers that live here who went through plastic surgery? They're just melting away like you won't believe. I was walking down the street and stepped in vanilla ice cream. I looked down and I was walking on Joan Rivers. She was all over the place."

"I'm not going to Hell. If Hell is hotter than this it's not going to work out for me at all."

Lewis Black at MGM Grand

"How (expletive deleted) close does the (expletive deleted) sun get? Son of a bitch. 110."

"The dumbest (expletive deleted) in the hotel is me. I picked when I could come here."

"But it's only $39 a night. Yeah but it's 110. You can't go anywhere. you're stuck here."

"Before air conditioning in a place like this, how did people procreate? They had to slide right off."

"You have beautiful, beautiful weather here. You can see why people settled here. What kind of an (expletive deleted) went across the (expletive deleted) continent in a (expletive deleted) covered wagon and stopped under this (expletive deleted) sun and said, 'Perfect.' "