Jon Ralston imagines what Gov. Jim Gibbons’ State of the State speech will sound like, assuming it matches his campaign actions and rhetoric

By Jon Ralston

Sunday, Jan. 14, 2007 | 7:18 a.m.

Someday, somewhere a newly elected politician will give a speech that actually reflects the intent to follow through on what he or she has said and promised during the campaign.

Perhaps this landmark event, which would make Halley's Comet seem a frequent visitor, will occur on Jan. 22, when the tabula rasa known as Gov. Jim Gibbons delivers his State of the State speech in Carson City. It might sound something like this if he sticks to his past scripts:

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to the Assembly chambers at midnight to hear this speech. You know how concerned I am about security and that is why I chose this unusual time - I sure fooled the media, didn't I?

I regret that only a few legislators have shown up at this late hour to hear my vision for this great state. I see in the audience only our venerable Senate majority leader, Bill Raggio, who I know does not require sleep and is always in the building, and a few freshmen who are as excited as I am to be here and have been sleeping in their legislative offices.

Before I begin, I want to thank my wife, Dawn, for all of her support. She has been with me every step of the way - except for that one night in Las Vegas. I have a great story to share about Dawn. Last night I was over at Adele's having a few drinks - you know I am a Mormon only until cocktail hour and Dawn won't let me drink at the mansion. I got home a half-hour late and Dawn asked where I was. I told her I went around to the rear gate of the mansion, couldn't find my key, so I went to the front door, then realized I might have dropped my key near the back, found it and then got in. It took me a half-hour. She was so happy and relieved to see me that she didn't ask any questions about why I was late. And then she gave me a Red Bull to calm me down.

Knowing how much the media will jump on any little thing I do, I hesitate to say this but I must: Dawn will be my co-governor. She will help me set policy - and you can be sure she won't come up with any Hillarycare type of plan. She is not someone who likes the notion of a nanny state - she and I believe the nanny, especially an illegal one, belongs in the basement. So please give a round of applause for Co-Gov. Dawn Gibbons.

Now, my fellow Nevadans, the state of the state is not good. And we know who is at fault - Kenny Guinn. I regret to say that my predecessor was too much in love with taxes. I am not. I will save you money.

When I said I was going to leave "small fingerprints" on the budget he left me, perhaps I should have defined "small fingerprints." What I meant was "You'll see a big difference between the previous administration and mine. The status quo for the last 40 years in Nevada is going to change. It's going to be very exciting." I don't understand why there is any confusion. These two statements do not contradict each other at all. And anyone who says they do is a communist.

We are one state. I know where Las Vegas is and I have been there and I will fix their road problems without raising taxes. I will save you money. I propose we sell all the water rights there - and give them to Harvey Whittemore for Coyote Springs. It is the right thing to do, and I know water from the ground up.

Anyone who doesn't think I care about the South should listen to these words. Someone sent these words to me in an e-mail - I don't know who - and I thought summed it up pretty well: A house divided against itself cannot stand. Those words are mine now.

I don't have all the answers, but I have a lot of questions. As my spokesman told everybody, I am not a brain surgeon. But I will save you money.

In closing, my fellow Nevadans, let me say that I will prove to you tonight and during my tenure that I am a man of my words. If I say something, you can be sure I mean it at the time I say it, even if I am not sure why I am saying it or whether I plan on saying something different later.

Good night and good morning.