Thursday, Aug. 16, 2007 | 7:02 a.m.
It was some time ago when I decided that I could not do my job properly without the Internets, as President Bush calls the information superhighway that his old rival Al Gore claims to have invented, along with nonaerosol hair spray. And Tipperware.
It was Monday when I determined that I can take or leave office e-mail.
Despite cranking my spam filter to 11, here's a sampling of the electronic correspondence that still managed to come crashing through like Mike Alstott on third-and-inches. I am not making this up:
11:18 p.m. | From: Jobseekerweekly.com
Subject: Secrets to Phone Interview Success
After reading the first four paragraphs, I couldn't make heads or tails out of this one. So I forwarded it to the Sun's Mike Trask, for the next time he writes that broadcast legend Vince Scully should be yanked for a pinch-hitter.
8:22 p.m. | From: @#$%^&!
Subject: @#$%^&*!!*&^%$$$
Wow, when I rhetorically asked what was wrong with the White Sox, the last thing I expected was a personal explanation from manager Ozzie Guillen.
8:18 p.m. | From threepointpress.com
Subject: Tips on Dealing With Taxi Drivers in Mexico City
If the subject line was "Tips on Dealing With Taxi Drivers in Tijuana" I could have put this in the recycle bin without opening it. The answer, of course, is never get in one driven by a "T. Bickle." And if you must travel by cab, and it has only one door, make sure it is on the side where you are sitting.
3:15 p.m. | From: truespeedcommunication.com
Subject: Tony Stewart Racing - Weekly Rewind
If you thought Ozzie Guillen's message used a lot of symbols in place of swear words, you should have seen the transcript from the NASCAR star's latest news conference.
2:57 p.m. | From: Atlanticbusinesscapital.com
Subject: Don't limit yourself to what the local banks are offering!
My response: Take whatever Alex Rodriguez is offering after you snap a picture of him with his stripper girlfriend, instead.
2:46 p.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: Fourth Annual Tip a 51 Luncheon Friday, Aug. 24 at Maggiano's
My tip to a 51 would be to pack your bags ASAP because the Dodgers sure need help.
1:26 p.m. | From: Matt Chillinsky:
Subject: Realtors Make Me Sick
Hey, Matt, better lighten up or you're never going to see that cleaning deposit.
1:05 p.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: FemaleMuscle Newsletter No. 26
Ah, more fan mail from the roller derby. Or correspondence from an old girlfriend.
12:30 p.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: Tensions Rise Between Amnesty and Catholics
And just think what might have happened had Miami actually scheduled Notre Dame in football this year.
11:02 a.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: Real-Time Leads
If I had only received this one before deadline.
10:27 a.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: August Wine and Show Special at Eldorado Hotel-Casino
The Eldorado is in downtown Reno, which might mean that Boone's Farm is making a comeback.
10:19 a.m. | From: echanneline.com
Subject: If you believe in the Channel, please take 10 minutes to provide your input.
It's official: Craig Thompson will do anything to get the Wyoming-San Diego State football game on TV.
7:04 a.m. | From: [email protected]
Subject: Meet Girls Who Want To **** Your Lights Out.
If **** is Internet shorthand for "punch," I thought this might be fan mail from the Roller Derby. It wasn't.
Anybody know where I can get a spam filter that goes to 12?
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