Tuesday, Sept. 5, 2006 | 8:14 a.m.
On the Strip, tourists laugh and applaud men who dress up and perform as divas such as Joan Rivers or Patti LaBelle.
But off the Strip, a 6-foot, 210-pound former hockey player sits with four friends, too nervous to reveal his real identity to a stranger. He goes by Mindy. He and his four male friends - who won't reveal their real names either - wear women's wigs, makeup and wardrobe.
By most counts, this is a city where almost anything goes. But not quite. These men live the reality for cross-dressers in Las Vegas. On this night they are attending a social gathering of Tri Ess, a support group for heterosexual cross-dressers. For these men, it's a typical guys' night out, right down to the earrings, press-on nails and tasteful handbags.
The group finds refuge every week at Suede, a restaurant in a gay-friendly section of town. But they are not gay. Each is married, and one of the wives even attends this meeting. She's married to Nora, the fellow wearing a dress, eye shadow and a gold woman's watch.
The wives feel different levels of acceptance or anguish about their husbands' shared fetish. Late in the meal, Nora's wife lays into the guys for their cross-dressing habits, adding a tension to an otherwise amiable evening. She barely tolerates his behavior.
The men defy cross-dressing stereotypes. They're not gay. They don't want to become women. But they feel compelled to dress in female attire, right down to the underwear and stuffed brassieres. They can't explain it, but as they've aged they've come to accept it.
"I guess I just empathized with women so much that I wanted to emulate them," said Kimberly, the chapter's president.
They are hulking figures in the female clothing. Mindy's sleeveless sundress reveals broad shoulders. The bleeding ink of the tattoo on his forearm presents an incongruous contrast to his woman's wedding ring. His strawberry blond wig is styled in a Princess Diana cut.
The men lead secret lives. In many cases, their children don't know their behavior. They say if their secrets were revealed, they could be ostracized by neighbors, dismissed from their jobs and tossed from their churches.
"As strange as it seems, this is a very conservative community," said Dr. Marv Glovinsky, a Las Vegas psychologist who has counseled many cross-dressers. "We have church groups like LDS and Catholics, and there are a lot of 'Thou Shalt Nots' in those groups. For people who live here, we're very different than the people who visit and go to the Strip."
Glovinsky described the men's condition as a fetish because initially, at least, cross-dressers derive sexual pleasure from wearing women's clothing. Cross-dressers divide into two groups, he said: Those who feel they're a woman trapped in a man's body, and those like the Tri Ess group, who dress as women for psychological comfort.
"Donning a female's clothing, for some strange reason with these individuals, has eliminated anxiety," Glovinsky said. "And people develop habits that persist. After a while the behavior becomes self-sustaining. It doesn't provide pleasure, but it sure eliminates anxiety."
As long as cross-dressing doesn't cause problems, and is accepted by the individual and his partner, it's not necessarily something that needs to be corrected, Glovinsky said.
Unlike support groups that discourage behaviors - such as for those addicted to gambling, alcohol or food - Tri Ess supports members' behavior, helps spouses cope with the condition and educates the public. The organization, formally called the Society for the Second Self Inc., started in 1961 in California. Now there are chapters in 20 cities, with an estimated national membership of 1,500. The Las Vegas group (www.triesslasvegas.com) started in 1995 and has 20 members. That's smaller than in many cities.
Nora, the man whose wife is at the meeting, says Las Vegas is a strange place for cross-dressers. When he moved to the city, he assumed it would be supportive of his dual personas. Not so. There's a blue-collar element that frightens cross-dressers, he said.
Three out of four cross-dressers who contact Tri Ess never join the group, Nora said. Most men are unable to cope with the condition and try to deny or suppress it until later in life. This can lead to depression or even suicide. The youngest man at this meeting is 55. Some of the Tri Ess members remain anonymous, even within the group.
Members say they've tried to pinpoint commonalities that would explain their shared addiction to women's dress. They can't find any. For most of the men, it initially had a sexual appeal. But Kimberly said it's never been sexually exciting for him. Instead, it's an outlet to express the feminine side of his life.
Mindy, whose wife and family are supportive of his condition, said it's a stress-reliever.
"It's a way to tune out and relax," Mindy said. "I've had periods of my life when I've been under huge amounts of stress. I found it's an escape."
The dinner conversation turns to shopping, and the men are asked if they're bold enough to shop for themselves. Some do. Others shop online or through catalogs. Mindy's wife helps him shop for women's clothing. She also steals from his wardrobe.
"My wife's big thing is, 'Why don't you get it a size smaller so we can share it?' " Mindy said.
The conversation falters and turns to Nora's wife. She has interjected a few points during dinner, but remained mostly silent. Her presence may lead one to think she's supportive of her husband. Not so.
"I am not understanding," Nora's wife said. "I tolerate this to a very small degree. I do not accept it. We have guidelines, and I tolerate it to a degree."
Nora's wife restrains herself to avoid saying something too harsh. But her resentment is palpable. Arms crossed, she's leaning back in her chair viewing the men with disdain. Each has her out-accessorized.
"If I met these people in different circumstances, I would be happy," she said, gesturing to the men at the table. "But this is not for me."
Nora waited more than 25 years before he disclosed his cross-dressing. That was 16 years ago, and his wife's still simmering. The couple's adult children still do not know.
Not every wife is lucky enough to have her husband confess his fetish. Dina's wife found out by discovering a plastic bag of female clothing hidden in the garage. She assumed there was another woman in the relationship. There was. Dina.
Every wife has to accept it to some degree, Nora's wife said, and she helps the other women cope. Her first questions were, "Are you gay, are you transsexual and are you nuts?"
Nora's wife is rolling now. He tries to interject, but she shuts him down and gains momentum. The men give her the freedom to speak.
"It's shocking. It's devastating. It's heartbreaking," she said of finding out your husband is a cross-dresser. "You're frightened - what is this going to do to my children?"
"It is another woman," she added. "It's not adultery, don't get me wrong, but you cannot fight this woman. This is a third person in my house, in our house, in your house," she says, pointing at the men one by one. "She's taking up closet space!"
Kimberly speaks up: "If there was a pill to cure this, every one of our wives would make us take it."
"He would get double!" Nora's wife exclaims, jutting her finger at her husband.
The meal is almost over now, and there's just one more question. A curiosity, really. Maybe it's better left alone. Oh well, we've come this far.
What do you use to create the bust?
The query is delicate, but boys will be boys. Despite protestations, Nora reaches into his bra, yanks out a flesh-toned silicone breast prosthesis and flops it on the table. Suddenly it's guys' night out again. The men roar with laughter.
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