CONVENTION CRASHING: AMERICAN ACADEMY OF OPHTHALMOLOGY

Wednesday, Nov. 15, 2006 | 7:08 a.m.

The sign and the booth stood directly inside an entrance to the American Academy of Ophthalmology's convention at the Sands Expo, right where it could catch the eyeballs of 27,000. The sign announced that the Graether 2000 is "ideal for intraoperative floppy iris syndrome."

And boy, doesn't that sound ghastly.

It's not, really. Sometimes a patient's iris refuses to dilate during cataracts surgery, making it difficult for the ophthalmologist to work instruments through the pupil. The Graether 2000 is a small, expandable ring that opens up the iris.

We mention it so we can point out that ophthalmologists are not optometrists. Optometrists prescribe glasses for you. Ophthalmologists stab you in the eye with knives and lasers.

Is there a branch of medicine fonder of puns? "Eye on success," "vision for the future," "in our sights," etc., etc. So who could resist taking a look?

Claptraps of quackery

But why not skip all that business of glasses and knives? Try a refreshing eye tonic instead or try placing a smooth pebble under the eyelid. Or if you're really concerned about increasing blood flow and strengthening the muscles, consider the Better Sight Vibrator, a long-ridged rod with a cup on the end. Place it against your eye and, while twisting it, rub another rigged rod up and down the length, like walking past a picket fence while hitting it with a stick.

If you want this particular model, instead of a battery-powered eye massager advertised on late night television, you might be out of luck. This one dates to 1925 and is part of the Museum of Vision's quackery exhibit, a collection of contraptions and elixirs from America's golden age of snake oil.

"Home cures," said curator Jenny Benjamin. "People do stupid things in their homes."

Like, for example, using an electric eye washer. The museum's example, circa 1930, hooks up to a crank-powered galvanic battery. The eye washer itself is a glass cup on a stick. The home health enthusiast would fill the cup with water, attach the battery and dump the water in his eye to make a circuit.

Two ophthalmologists walk up to a glass case containing suction cup goggles (for reshaping your cornea, obviously).

"Oh, my God," says the female ophthalmologist, clutching her face in her hands and turning away cringing. "No!"

"All of the docs are totally horrified," Benjamin said.

A couple of aisles down and over, at the convention's obligatory vibrating chair booth, Thomas Kelly promoted his product by telling of the wonderful health-promoting, blood-flow-increasing properties of massage.

"They're a very good thing for doctor's offices," Kelly said.

Product #1: Bully magnets

Medical glasses in pink, bright red, yellow, green and more. Styles include blocky "Miami grandma glasses," clip-ons, wraparounds and mutant bug. Brochure shows bowl-cut sporting moppets in said. Prices range from $17 to $100. From NoIR.

"It stands for 'No Infrared,' " said salesman Wade Allen. "It's not French for black."

Product #2: Don't worry, they're sponges

"Eye spears," foam tipped. For removing moisture during surgery. Multiple brands. About $100 per 200.

Overheard #1

"Oh, it's easy. You just stick it in there."

- One ophthalmologist to another

Overheard #2

"Yeah, well, just make sure she doesn't think she'll be able to read again."

- Another ophthalmologist